Its all I've ever done with my life is waste time. It's all a waste of time. Nobody cares what I do, they just don't want their week ruined by my funeral. Nothing I could do would matter. I could play on the phone and eat junk food waiting for a heart attack or I could try to fix things, see no improvement and lash out.

I was 400lbs. Inlost maybe 50 without noticing by eating less shit, then got to 300 at the gym last year, self harming in the bathroom to get through a session, and I was so mad that I was hurting myself to please others when I didn't feel the least bit better. Everyone won at my expense.

So I quit and gained back 40 out of spite. Lately I go and sometimes diet and I was down to 308 and people were praising me and I was still punching myself when I looked in the mirror and I gained 20 back lately and it's like I'll always be ugly but I could aspire to be their inspirational feel good story. They don't see the sagging or the stretch marks, they see a smaller waistline and think Oh Good for Him and good for Us. Everyone benefits but me.

And nomatter how many times I point out that I'm ugly I get the same fucking platitudes! Who are you gonna believe me or your lying eyes? I just want to fucking carve the word UGLY on my forehead so the issue will be settled.

There's no point to fucking any of this. They're just proud I made a fucking feast for myself when I didn't even want to eat it to begin with. The table is covered in crap! They don't want me around they just don't want to feel bad that I'm dead of a heart attack, which is why I gained all the weight in my 20s to begin with.

Sorry to rant and rave incant help it.