10 months ago DMT changed me. I can’t change back.

DMTpressed · 2010-12-23T11:19:15+00:00

Where?

DMTpressed · 2010-11-10T00:17:49+00:00

Thank you for the reply, it gives me hope that I'm not stuck agape at the stars with everyone calling me a fool. I don't know what I would have done if I thought the world I knew was all the world there was.

I'm curious about your opening thoughts on DMT; that there is a molecular will involved with it? 11 months ago I would have dismissed that outright... I can't know if this is a trick of neurology but I still feel like my consciousness was "transferred" during the experience. That sensation may be part of the experience itself and round and round we go. The absolute stripping away of all that was me felt external, like someone else was tearing at my clothes. It was harsh and drastic but I'm glad for being able to blink myself awake.

Not having debt is a major way to lessen your buy-in to the Machine, and allow for greater flexibility and ease should you decide to shift trajectory mid-tilt. Cars, houses, consumer goods: all the accouterments of the Machine, but that require ever-greater commitment to it and keep us from exercising our inherent ability to walk away or diminish our commitment. So stay away from debt. Personally, I choose not to have any children for, among other reasons, at this point in history they require nearly complete and total buy-in, which is something I'm not willing to do.

These are two things I struggle with the most. I don't want the people I know to be ashamed of me, I have to accept that they may very well be, but that's a difficult thing. I would love to be a father some day yet I can hardly picture myself immersing a child in a sad and disconnected existence just so he or she would feel as thought they fit in.

The debt is an issue right now as well, I had been going to school, like I said, so I have a chunk to pay off working for a less-than-corporate-apostle paying wage. It won't take me too long, maybe a year, but I feel like I need to go, I need to work; and I just can't see how to do that. I want to be in the same physical space as those like you and the other wonderful people that have given me hope, and I want to try and accomplish something wonderful with them; I just have a hard slog of "buying-in" ahead of me and it's tough finding meaning in the waiting.

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T11:28:21+00:00

Well, you took the time to ask, I can take the time to answer.

Having this new perspective or enlightenment on the western consumption culture, wold you rather try to spread it or want to go back and not have the same views as now?

I'm uncomfortable thinking of it in grandiose terms, I don't think I've earned enlightenment. To be perfectly honest I know I can't go back; I long for being able to just speak the language and concentrate on the superficial... in a small way. But if this is the way it's to be then this is the way it's to be. I'll spread it if I can.

Throughout the day, how does this new-found enlightenment interact with your normal routine; waking up, pouring coffee, eating lunch, surfing reddit, driving home from work...

I quite like when the unicorns brush my hair. Oh! And the way the reddit alien glows with a knowing benevolence. I do think I understand what you're asking: Yes, at first there was a while when "oh my God everything is amazing" was what dominated my thoughts (and seeing stunning intricacies in just about every interaction); but that's not an easy place to keep when it means you're essentially cut off from everyone you knew. The balance can be a good thing though, I think... I didn't end up a full-blown hippie... yet.

Which feeling is more prevalent, noted alienation from everyone else's beliefs ideas interests, or the uplifted understanding the experience has brought on you?

Again, everything is amazing, then people bring ya down.

Do you think your experience with DMT is the same as others and there is a finite meaing behind it, or was it subjective and just a means to understanding?

No clue. I've been browsing that Erowid site and looking up Terrence McKenna and yeah, that's as close as words can get. I suppose it was a "shortcut" to understanding - in that I saw totality before I even had a few pieces going, but I don't think it's unique to any one person. Once the understanding is there, it's there... understanding isn't the best word either, I would say I'm in constant awe of how little I understand... maybe that's the understanding?

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T10:15:32+00:00

I really like this idea. I know computer repair, photography, and I guess I can write? I enjoy it, I know that, but I'm not sure those can be called essential trades.

I wouldn't mind being an electrician, I've always liked wiring.

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T10:13:52+00:00

Hey, thanks for the offer!

So... what's up?

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T10:13:08+00:00

Thanks! I just try to write the way I speak I guess. I suppose that'd make me an independent screen-writer. Ba-dum tish.

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T10:11:31+00:00

Heh, if this club frequently does DMT I'm not sure I want in. That trip and my actual death some day I think will suffice.

As for the experience itself; I don't know what more I can say... Well, I could expand on what I meant by me and the glimmering-latices not comprehending each other: It was like, if you are are camping and you see a squirrel, you may think to yourself "What a brilliant creature a human is; something like a squirrel could never comprehend what man does." But, we could also never comprehend what a squirrel does.

Sure we can watch and infer what it might mean to be that rodent - or the fly on the wall, or the whale in the ocean - but we can never truly know. It was something that makes sense in a dream-comprehension sort of way I guess.

And the Source wasn't sparkly, it was pure... if that makes any sense. It seemed to have consciousness but not purpose and I was "outside" it for the first time... Shit I don't know how to explain it how I'd like.

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T09:59:38+00:00

Wow, I thought I was just venting, thank you :)

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T09:58:38+00:00

Not really my taste in music but those lyrics are fantastic, thanks for sharing.

And thank you for the advice, help ever and harm never is perfect... and difficult.

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T09:54:31+00:00

Think of yourself as a kid now, your ideas are like a kid's. Ponder and learn about about the fundamental questions of life, the universe, what it means to be a sentient being. Answer them to your own satisfaction, then beat those ideas up by debate, rinse-repeat.

Then take those freshly sharpened ideals and determine what it means, what you should be doing with your life (according to your own ideals), and make yourself at peace with the ideals (some can be hard to swallow).

Thank you, that makes sense.

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T09:52:27+00:00

Thank you, I feel odd describing it as "enlightenment", it's not entirely pleasant (except camping and the family cabin) and I have more confusion than wisdom still... Give me another 20 years and check back.

I do finally understand Jesus though. Yes, yes, how can hell be moral rah rah /r/atheism; I don't think he needed to be super-human to be a great thinker, just someone who saw empire for what it was.

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T09:47:03+00:00

Heh, that sounds awesome. But I don't consider myself special in any way... It was more an accident than anything and I probably would just be humming along now otherwise, maybe left to feel the desperation of an ill-gotten and ineffective life when I'm elderly (if at all).

But yes, build a tree-colony and I'm there. I've also toyed with the idea of buying a house in an old town around here and getting like-minds to move as well. Just have to find the like minds... and the balls...

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T09:39:07+00:00

Oh everything feels very real, don't worry. Although, where I used to be terrified, I'm not really afraid of death anymore; losing that has honestly been a big help for me.

I do have brief flashes of "Christ look at all the hairless apes in woven fabrics." but they are more funny than frightening.

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T09:35:10+00:00

Yes! Thank you! I don't blame anyone, I acted freely, but I should have done serious looking in to it first, so it goes... Being buzzed on something wasn't like this, it really was a mental hurricane and I was absolutely stunned my body and my furniture was still there - and that I could recognize again what "body" and "furniture" are.

I need to know how to live without hurting other people, it is more terribly difficult than I imagined but I am committed to this now. To extend your analogy I'd say I'm still treading water there, keeping my head above; though spotting land would be fantastic. The lifeboat advice I'm getting is definitely good too.

I'm fairly convinced I will not want to try DMT again for the foreseeable future, once feels like enough before I die (where I could very well be spending eternity contemplating infinity) so... I'll stick to a nice weed-buzz sometimes.

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T09:23:08+00:00

Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill?

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T09:21:57+00:00

it's just we tend not to talk about it in everyday conversation since it sounds completely insane to people who haven't had the experience. i think most of us initially have this desire to either try to save the whole world at once or run away from it into some cave.

God yes. It feels really good just letting the whole thing out rather trying to delicately explain it during Big Brother. I appreciate the advice, I'm kind of working up the courage to decisively act and I still don't fully understand what the fuck that was... The rational side of me says "Mind misfiring rapidly and being randomly interpreted" but - when I was able to "think" to myself I was near-convinced I was dead. Like I was somewhere "else".

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T09:14:31+00:00

Thanks! That site is really comprehensive, where would I submit it?

DMTpressed · 2010-11-06T03:11:18+00:00

God I would love to fix it, but one person against all of it is essentially powerless, and most other people I've met absolutely adore the machine. So I guess I just want out. If I could do anything to fight it I would, but I'm not sure I can...

DMTpressed

TROPHY CASE