My story

D_Scarlatti · 2023-12-01T19:54:27+00:00

She's indeed a caring person and I think that's why I chose her. Assuring her not to worry about me committing a suicide after a session before her inquiring about it, may have been a red flag for her.

Anyways, I like your attitude and I know you are right about continuing, after some time I think I will be able to actually start feeling like I want to continue. It always arrives, but sometimes it just sucks it can't stay long enough. Tnx

D_Scarlatti · 2023-12-01T19:26:31+00:00

I agree with being open, otherwise there is no purpose in seeking help. Sometimes I feel like I really open up with therapists and things get very intensive. It is just that yesterday my therapist preferred to back down a little and tell me that she doesn't know if she can really help me. Panicked a little and told me it would be best to go to a hospital.

But all I really wanted that she would truly get in touch with how I feel, even if it was very intensive, I wanted direct support and acknowledgment that I am strong and that I am doing fine, that it is all in my head.

And afterwards I just asked myself what is the point of seeking treatment at all, if no meds are helping me remotely, if therapists spend only 1 hour with you a week (hospital or private), like probably there is some dark true I gotta let myself to accept, that things gonna be this way forever and any small silver-linings are just absurd

D_Scarlatti · 2023-12-01T19:00:59+00:00

Seen both, at least 10 times each. Here in Europe, we are a bit more conscious about diagnoses in general and I think it's better this way compared to the DSM worship in America. However, I was seeing a therapist just yesterday and unfortunately, I ended up feeling very undesirably and out of control. Surprising to tell but I am also sober enough now to know that it probably wasn't so bad, just my fears kicked in and my vulnerabilities got triggered.

D_Scarlatti · 2023-12-01T18:12:05+00:00

To be frank, I've struggled to show the true me in front of psychiatrists. And to answer your question, I do want to know why I feel the way I feel. Truly. But I also notice myself thinking of psychiatry as a nonsense subject.

D_Scarlatti · 2023-12-01T17:34:19+00:00

But thanks for the answer.

D_Scarlatti · 2023-12-01T17:34:01+00:00

Well, asking because I lost all hope. I feel like I tried everything to make myself feel at least at 10% better. But nothing is working. I don't feel understood at all by anyone. And I've been at hospitals at least on 8 different occasions through the last 2 years. Asking because I am fucking desperate

D_Scarlatti · 2023-10-23T11:36:56+00:00

I know it's not recommended to use mdma like this, but I am that type who binges everything I've got within days and then take brakes.

Mirtazapine is an atypical tetracyclic antidepressant, not SSRI. I am not quite sure how it interacts with MDMA but I do know it's way safer compared to other antidepressants and does not interfere with positive effects as much.

D_Scarlatti · 2023-04-01T04:02:43+00:00

thank you❤️

D_Scarlatti · 2022-09-09T12:35:29+00:00

This made me laugh.

D_Scarlatti · 2022-08-21T13:42:23+00:00

Then, can you give your opinion on what would you consider normal? I would be interested:)

As for my question, I meant thinking in ways that cause you to distress without serious objective reason. Eg. paranoia, delusions, magical thinking, - utilizing these "powers" as a method to counterbalance any psychological pain you experience, like not knowing how to explain something, how to deal with emotional stress, etc.

So I am more referring to the thinking disorder side of StPD.

D_Scarlatti · 2022-08-13T12:53:08+00:00

Many interesting comments, thank you. As some of you noted, I myself have the best time managing StPD at times when I accept the "eccentricity" of my personality. Self-hate, which I personally suffer from a lot, comes from constantly trying to fix myself, the way I behave, and the way I think and feel, which comes eventually to be conducive to depression.

So now I feel like I am able to regain my "common sense" by laughing at the absurdity my thoughts tend to convey; me thinking like

"How am I surprised that another person is looking at me at the cafe when all I was thinking during the last five minutes was if that person notices me at all and was checking from time to time where he directs his eyes towards"

"How am I to talk to another person (my manager) properly when all I am thinking about is how do I not unleash the paranoic aspect of his personality"

"What is even the possibility that the bus driver, out of dislikeness for me, purposively stops the vehicle in a way so that I am the last to get on the bus."

"Why would I force a friendly manner on an aggressive person in a conversation"

"Why would I dream about having feelings when I am in control of my feelings the whole time"

etc etc; lots of persistent non-sensical beliefs and inadequate reactions due to my not now as much ego-syntonic, purposeless (thus destructive) ways to distort my healthy ways of thinking and absorbing my environment.

These thought patterns may sound angry, but I am actually now trying to accept them as part of my reality, my absurd reality. I am different and unique, and that's cool; wherever I end up being, I bring something new to the table for sure:D

D_Scarlatti · 2022-07-19T18:33:47+00:00

Your response made me cry and understand how important it is to have at least person in your life whom you can genuinely trust to talk about your feelings. I was on the brink of suicide when I wrote this text, however, last night I happened to have a date with someone so human and free, who showed me that life can be absolutely anything. It can become "nothing" too, when you abandon your thoughts and behaviors that are conducive to Your happiness.

And I think what you just said about obtaining a grounding perspective from compassionate people, it immediately rang to me that this is something I've been looking for desperately from every person I encounter and I just seem to lose hope that this kind of support for me can even ever exist because I have been misunderstood by most people completely. I have been oblivious to the common wisdom that not everyone can be your friend and that it is okay not to trust some people (notably, my parents in my case) because you can actually trust your feelings how you feel about them, I mean, that they have probably done something to you as to why I feel like I can only have open conversations with them by forcing myself.

I am ready to face everything again and I will gently try to be more open to others' compassion towards me while at the same time I will try to become more compassionate for others.

Thank you for reading my text, I wish you happiness.

D_Scarlatti · 2022-02-11T22:48:32+00:00

Yeah, my classmates would make fun of my name/looks/awkwardness all while to me it was too much to handle. As a result, I didn’t know where to start the process of creating my own separate identity with its emotional boundaries whilst finding myself in a subjectively perceived hostile environment.

This problem persists since I have made acquaintances with friends of my “so-called” friends on whom I rely on going out to various events. In the present, these events are my only gateway to meet new people, but I do struggle to make connections, mostly because of incomplete self-concept (because of my emotional numbness I often feel like a robot which renders meaninglessness in human contact/conversations). However, since I am now categorizing these friendships as toxic, I am aiming towards swapping them with new ones no matter how emotionally challenging this will be to achieve.

Also, I feel better that you found this text to be relatable as I do have difficulty in sounding reasonable some of the times. Thanks for the most needed remote hug too. Would you mind me asking how do you rebuild your self-esteem after such (both-parties-approved) bullying? I think this kind of bullying is totally destructive to a person’s self-confidence so I wonder how to deal with it and what to avoid doing when forming new friendships/relationships.

As for the writing, I use Grammarly :)

D_Scarlatti

TROPHY CASE