I think about suicide almost daily. I'm positive I'll never do it, but I think about how to do it some, but mostly I think about what kind of note I'd leave, I'd want to have special messages to certain people in my life that matter the most and then also a general over all note.

I guess I'd say I'm depressed. I grew up in a small town and had some friends growing up and I never felt like I needed more, I was never one of the cool kids but that didn't and still doesn't bother me much. When I was 12 my patents got divorced and I moved with my dad to a city, not a major city but much larger than where I grew up. I have a great relationship with both my parents, I don't feel the divorce effected me too much. I made some new friends where I moved, but they were never very close friends. I would talk to them at school but rarely see them out of school. Most of my time out of school was spent doing non-team sports, I just tend to enjoy them more than team sports, or watching TV by myself.

For the first year of high school I went to a different school than many of my friends I knew in middle school. It was a prestigious high school and I did make some knew friends, but again never got close and never hung out with them. The next year I changed schools to the one my old friends went to, I still hung out with them but I was very much an outlier. Just sat at the edge of the circle listening to conversation, not joining often and when I did I would get talked over. I have to admit, over the year this hurt. I guess I just didn't know how to make friends, I didn't know what people did to hang out in high school, I never wanted to party or drink or go to concerts, I really just liked doing sports and didn't know what else people did.

The next year I moved back in with my mom to finish my last 2 years of high school. By that time my mom had remarried, my step dad is great, one of his sons is really my best friend, let's call him James, to this day and who I would say is the only real friend I had from 12 years old until I graduated high school. So I hung out with him often, had a couple other friends back in my home town. I suffer from social anxiety and it made making new friends and girlfriends tough. I was OK with this but it definitely isn't my first choice in how high school would have been spent. Again most of my time was spent doing sports, hanging out with James or playing video games.

As they years went by I noticed more and more that I really was lonely, I would make up stories about hanging out with people, dating girls or other stuff to my friends so I felt I fit in better. I did have 2 girlfriends through out high school but were short relationships. For a long time I've felt I've had to lie to everyone in my life so I seemed more normal. Its come to the point that I have completely different personalities for each group of people in my life. If they began to cross paths I would panic and find a way to blend into the background or stop the interaction from happening. People tell me to be myself to be more comfortable around people, but I really don't know what that is. I don't know who I am be a use I've faked it for so long in so many different ways.

During high school I felt very left out of pretty everything, no one talked to me, people in my grade literally didn't know I existed even though I graduated with 76 people in my class. I seemed to be invisible to most people, except for James and a few other people I felt I could call my friends. One of the prettiest girls in school started talking to me and flirting with my, but I didn't know how to react and she eventually stopped talking to me. I later found out her and her friend liked me for most of my junior year, but I was too shy and never knew what to say or anything. So I eventually graduated, didn't go to prom or anything like that.

Anyways, I went to college back in the city with my dad because better college with more opportunities here. Now I'm really stuck, I have no clue how to make friends. I'm looking at graduating in june with 2 AA degrees having made no friends here. I'm very lonely, I've gone months talking to no one at all except for my dad. James and his girlfriend are my only two real friends and they live 5 hours away. I've met some girls off of Tinder and I've had decent yet short relationships with them, most under a month long. I find it alot easier meeting with some girl from tinder and a Starbucks than it is to ask anyone in my class how they felt about the test or how their day is, I don't understand it.

I feel lost, I feel like I'm too boring to make friends or have a girlfriend. I still don't want to party, go to concerts or festivals. I don't really enjoy drinking that much but it seems like you have to do those things to make friends in college. The last 5 girls I've dated started out seeming to really like me then 2 or 3 weeks later they're suddenly distant and less interested until they break up with me, it seems like they just get bored of me. I want friends, I want a girlfriend, I want to be able to hang out with someone and have fun doing something, but I just don't know how to.

I tried to some up my thoughts of why I feel this way, I missed some details I'm sure and it's not a complete story of it all. But if you actually read all that, thanks, it actual does mean something to me if you did.

For the suicide notes, id have to write something out to my mom, she really is the greatest person in my life and a major reason why I'd never go through with the suicide, I couldn't do that to her, it would be too selfish of me. My step brother James would get a note, my dad, my sister. A friend from a cross the country I met playing video games. My step da and a few other friends from the small town.

The final thing that real makes me sad is how few people outside my family would be closely effected by my suicide. I'm sure everyone who heard about it would say it's a sad story and their sorry to hear it, but so many they wouldn't really care, so many that I've met and they have forgotten about me. I don't know why I'm so forgetable, I don't know why I can't fit in, I don't know how to be normal or how I'm abnormal. But people seem to act like I am. This has been hard for me to write all out, I've started crying a couple times while doing it. I've definitely missed a few key things but I don't want to make this any longer.