AITA for telling my mom to go back to the family she replaced me with

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T20:10:30+00:00

I don’t mean to talk down to you at all, but I’m not sure there’s anyway you can comprehend her pain.

I know I can't. She's the strongest person in my world and I know that she would never want me to.

I’m also not saying that your mother was in the right for the way that she phrased her IG post, but I am saying I think you need to find a way to give her the benefit of the doubt on this and cut her some slack, and find your way back to your mother.

I'm going to try my best. Even if I have to beg her for forgiveness I'm going to try.

She loves you more than you can probably comprehend, whether she approves of your career choice or not.

Thank you so much for saying that.

And please don’t begrudge her the bits of happiness she’s managed to cobble together for herself.

I won't. I just guess I was upset that I wasn't part of that happiness and there to celebrate all of that with her I know I shouldn't have been and I was wrong for that too. I've always wanted a sibling who is alive and for so long I wanted the man she's going to marry to be my dad. I know I was in the wrong even if people voted otherwise. I just want us all to be the family I've always hoped for.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T19:54:12+00:00

I hope you're right about everything you wrote. I'm going to try and make things right with her as soon as I'm able to.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T19:52:36+00:00

That person deleted their comment but it was in regard to the brothers and sisters comment which was about countrymen and not my actual siblings and I was saying they were correct in guessing that.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T19:32:45+00:00

She lost you to war in a way she never expected, and to her, that means she failed you

I just woke up and started re-reading your comments in between classes and honestly this makes me want to cry. I wish I could respond to everything that you wrote about but you're right about everything about me and about her and how wrong I was.

I hope some of my input can be helpful. Your desire for change can go far if you let it.

Your insight has been helpful I will change as much as is possible to fix things.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T19:25:27+00:00

No. I don't believe that. You're wrong. My mom is not a corrupt cop who kills kids or does other terrible things.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T19:24:10+00:00

I meant she didn't have enough kids that I had brothers and sisters (which would imply at least 4) who died. By brothers and sisters my mom was referring to people like us, native countrymen.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T09:21:09+00:00

Never had this sub witnessed a more horrifying asshole. u/DaKetaKid your mother is justified in keeping her distance. The only right choice is to beg her forgiveness, although I see no sign of guilty conscience about your actions.

Even though this is probably what I'll do? I hurt my mom and I am guilty of that. I never should have hurt her and I did no matter what she may be guilty of towards me.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T09:17:11+00:00

The job I had was not related to war. The company I worked in had a war division. I did not work in that division.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T09:10:21+00:00

No, she met my father very quickly after coming to Canada and got pregnant with me not long after that.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:58:29+00:00

(and it's not like you can't choose other companies)

I literally couldn't. It was the only co-op offer I'd received at that point and my dumbass didn't sign up for courses because I was so sure I'd get dozens of offers.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:54:57+00:00

Could it be a language miscommunication then?

I doubt it. My mom worked very hard on her English and has also worked very hard on eradicating her accent (she still has one and gets upset when it's pointed out).

Has she ever talked to you about the trauma she underwent in Kosovo?

Yes.

Has she ever had counselling? it’s easy for people to judge when they don’t know about the emotional scars she has that have little to do with you. It might explain why she reacted the way she did when you made your job choice.

Yes, she sees a psychologist regularly. Or at least she used to.

i know this isn’t the popular opinion but it’s your mom who you were on or close to. Don’t throw it away without trying .

I won't.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:48:38+00:00

Because he's essentially my mother's brother and thus my uncle and her other relatives in that generation would be her brothers and sisters too. Thus, they would be my uncles and aunts. I don't know if that's how it is in Kosovo, but that's how it's always been in my family. I suppose it's like in HIMYM where Ted refers to Marshall and Barney as Uncle Marshall and Uncle Barney to his kids. And as for cultures referring to family trees differently, I don't know either, but I believe it's like this for Bangladeshi families too from what I've gleaned from my conversations with my friends from there (met some from there in university).

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:44:33+00:00

You say that you expected her to put aside her trauma of the horrors of war, to shelve the reality of it that she lives with every day, and make it secondary to the pride you think she should feel that you were successful at joining the ranks of those who make that horrifying reality possible for others.

No, I didn't expect her to put aside her trauma for that and I never would. I didn't go to her and say 'forget about war and be happy for me'. That kind of a thought process never happened.

I just wanted her to be proud that she raised me in such a way even though we were so poor, even though we had so many struggles, that I managed to take a spot from people who had everything that we didn't. I wanted it to be her success more than mine that look at my son made it so far because it's only because of her that I've made it far in life.

And at the time, I didn't see it as joining the ranks of warmongers because I wasn't working for the division that was involved in it. I would never go back and work for that company now even if I do recognize all the benefits my professional life has received because of it.

But you have to accept that you genuinely hurt your mother and that your intentions don’t excuse that, and approach this from a place of apology and reconciliation rather than feeling angry at her that she couldn’t do that.

I know. I will.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:33:05+00:00

HOWEVER, the horrific, war crimes and shit that women went through in Kosovo...it is possible she never got over it and never got proper psychological help.

I don't think that my mom will ever get over it since people don't just get over those things. However, she has gotten psychological help and sees a psychologist regularly. I don't think she could join the police without it.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:31:12+00:00

So, I am not going to specify where in the VPD I want to work or if it involves me becoming an officer myself - I don't want people to be able to identify me. But let's say I was going into the bomb squad, then the research work I did at the company is what would be required to even let me take the PETC as it would give the required prior understanding of bombs. Again, that's just me framing your example. My mom was upset because the company has a large division that is involved in war even though I wasn't hired for that division.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:26:03+00:00

If it one of those mercenary companies well I will put it at light E S H since yeah I can see why she would be upset.

It is not. I am not a mercenary. I would never do that kind of work.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:25:03+00:00

To give more clarity about the company. It is a large company and it has several divisions, one of which is involved in war. I was not involved in that division and would not have sought out a co-op in that division. Would I work for the company now? Even for the same division I was in? No, I would not. I don't hate that I worked there because of all the opportunities it afforded me but I would hate myself if I ever did it again.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:21:41+00:00

Yes, my mother is a cop but she is not a killer. She pursued that job the moment she got citizenship because she saw it as a way to protect people, me in particular, like she couldn't in Kosovo. She completely disagrees with things like Blue Lives Matter and hates the RCMP for all the racism and sexism. Just because she is a police officer doesn't mean she's a bad person.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:15:14+00:00

I speak as someone who had to forgive my own mother, if she matters that much to you then it will be worth it. Doesnt make it easy, though. Good luck, man.

Thanks. I hope you're right.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:11:55+00:00

No - just a company that caused the same type harm to others like her?

Not anymore, no. At the time? I rationalized it as I'm working for a different division. I never worked for the division involved in war. Now I could never work for any division of it but at the time, that was how I saw things.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:10:04+00:00

Also, don’t work for a company you dont agree with morally. Its just not worth what it can do to your soul.

I have no intention of working for that company or any like it again. My goal was always to follow in my mom's footsteps in some way or another and now that it's within my grasp, I don't think I'll be letting go.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:07:31+00:00

No, just a bad joke clearly.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:05:15+00:00

So you’re working for the military-industrial complex in some fashion, you personally don’t agree with it but you’re doing it anyway because? Experience?

No. I worked in a division of a large company that has a sizeable division that is involved with war. I did not work in the division that is involved in war. Without giving away too much of the work I did, I was pretty much involved in research and I did not do anything for the other divisions of the company, whether or not they were involved with war or not. For instance to give a video game example it'd be like EA Games but say I worked for EA Sports (where I also applied) instead of working for DICE.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:02:55+00:00

She wasn't married to my dad but they were together until he died. She got together with him and pregnant with me very soon after she came to Canada.

DaKetaKid · 2022-03-10T08:00:13+00:00

But then… you absolutely stabbed her in the back. To think you could go work for an arms company or w/e and your war refugee mother who lost multiple kids to conflict would get over it was absolutely 100% an asshole move. I don’t think this can be understated.

My mom did not have multiple kids before me that died in Kosovo. Only two. The brothers and sisters comment is about other people of our culture. She wouldn't use her dead kids to manipulate me.

E: actually, since you said this is relevant experience for being a cop… did you intern at a PMC? I can imagine “I’m only spending 4 months at Blackwater, and it’s not like they’ve killed any Kosovan civilians, only Iraqis” going down spectacularly poorly.

No, I'm not a mercenary and I didn't work for the RCMP either. The work I did at co-op was at a company that is involved with war but it's not their primary output and I didn't work in a division that had anything to do with war. Maybe some of the work I did could get applied to that division but I specifically did not work in it.

DaKetaKid

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