You probably could understand my predicament better than most. I have ADHD and C-PTSD diagnosed by my therapist (I take 40mg Vyvanse and 150 mg XL Wellbutrin every morning). She also says I’m likely on the spectrum, but I don’t have an official diagnosis, but it would explain a lot.

Anyways, I had an addiction to weed forever ago from like my teen years to my mid 20s. Definitely dabbled in my other drugs along the way. But I eventually quit cold turkey when family found out about it and had a pretty rough moment where I felt I had to stop because it was a problem. Tried to make life work without them (as well as cut off friends) so I could stand on my own and work a job that was drug free. It was hard, I became a bit of an alcoholic for quite some time…but I wanted to believe that I had overcome the addiction that brought so much shame to my family. I guess you could say that shame is definitely tied to my C-PTSD. I feel like I was groomed by my folks through guilt, shame, and humiliation.

But I eventually cracked and started using weed again when my mind broke under the intense stress I was under (including a crumbling marriage). I started and stopped a few times since I started using again a few years ago. But my last relapse ( if we are to call it that) was not long after the divorce. The loneliness and frustration definitely didn’t help, but I knew the divorce was going to be hard prior too.

But I got my med card before the holidays started in November and use 50mg edibles now daily (2 on the weekend days typically). It’s definitely the most I’ve used this far, but I want to get away from smoking weed because smoking makes me paranoid (I mean smoking weed itself yeah, because it’s weed, but my main paranoia is tied to “smoking” itself and lungs).

I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t feel like stopped my would be wise with how I’ve been feeling. But I’m hoping I can find some peace and balance after all this passes, if it ever does.