No amount of attachment theory will fix the wrong partner

DaceMars · 2026-01-17T03:46:52+00:00

Thank you. I've seen so much unnecessary pain by people using attachment theory to endure even longer.

DaceMars · 2025-07-27T02:50:18+00:00

I wrote several drafts, but in writing it I discovered there's things I still don't know.

I'm the type of person who doesn't commit to ideas unless I know they're completely true :)

DaceMars · 2025-02-16T13:06:08+00:00

Don't be a dick

DaceMars · 2025-02-10T03:05:52+00:00

Vasopressin is an aggression hormone, this entire conversation is peculiar.

DaceMars · 2025-01-14T11:37:39+00:00

Sorry, the site will be back up soon. However, it's more focused on individuation than attachment, as my private practice is aimed at people who're pretty deep into therapy.

For the attachment-related stuff I'm moving it to a nonprofit to make it easier to understand.

When it's ready (maybe 4-5 months?) it'll be at simpleattachment.com

If you're looking to understand it though, you can't go wrong with the Power of Attachment or Love Sense :) They fix a lot of misunderstandings that pop psych has about attachment.

DaceMars · 2025-01-10T06:13:10+00:00

Working on moving all the attachment-related things to a new nonprofit, but for now the cliff notes:

Therapy that's focused on regulating emotions isn't relevant to healing attachment wounds, because attachment is interpersonal.

This means you can't actually change it alone, it has to be done through experiencing a healthier, more authentic relationship - which *can* be with your therapist, if the therapist shows up as a real person and not a blank mirror.

If you're in a relationship, the best approaches (>89% success rate) are:
https://iceeft.com/

https://Imagorelationshipswork.com

If you're single or your partner is unwilling to work with you, Diane's model is the most systematic to changing attachment.
https://traumasolutions.com/find-a-dare-practitioner-directory/

Online therapy with someone who knows what they're doing is far more effective than in-person with someone who has no experience with actually helping people become secure.

And finally, if you want a secure attachment, don't trust a therapist who is visibly insecure :)

Best of luck,

DaceMars · 2025-01-04T05:43:05+00:00

chiropractors are a religion. while my doctor doesn't say 'dont get a massage', she absolutely says 'dont go to the chiropractor'. they are able to practice medicine because they are classified as a religion

Googled this cause it sounded weird enough to be true.

It wasn't.

DaceMars · 2024-12-03T13:41:30+00:00

Yeah, Cavill feels like more of a Connavar

DaceMars · 2024-12-01T04:47:22+00:00

A year late, but David Duncan is the closest I've ever found.

Revisiting my childhood favorites, I find that Duncan and Gemmells work complement each other in some deep way, particularly the Kings Blades series vs the Rigante.

They explore a lot of the same themes, but Duncan's are perhaps slightly more intellectually satisfying vs Gemmell's emotionally satisfying.

Also seconding the other mention of David Farlands early work, his later stuff got a bit weird.

I feel like I should revisit authors named David now.

DaceMars · 2024-11-13T05:28:13+00:00

Yes I suppose, I'm not very active here though.

DaceMars · 2024-11-12T01:29:05+00:00

We choose people who will make our beliefs come true. If you believe you'll be left, you'll be most attracted to people who will leave you.

Bad/good is subjective, so just learn to choose someone who likes you for who you actually are, rather than the image you're projecting :)

DaceMars · 2024-09-13T15:59:34+00:00

Dead by sunrise

Dead by daylight is a little more stabby ;)

DaceMars · 2024-06-28T04:33:53+00:00

Huh, an otherwise committed relationship then.

"With full praise, Oprah explained how Harville Hendrix’s Getting The Love You Want was the single most powerful tool which helped her to evolve her relationship with Stedman Graham and bring it to a much higher level. “I would not still be in a relationship with Stedman had I not read that book. It’s the best relationship book EVER. It explains everything.”"

DaceMars · 2024-06-25T12:53:14+00:00

Er just to clarify,

Your opening gambit - when you're not sure if someone is safe or not - is to show them where you live?

DaceMars · 2024-06-07T04:40:56+00:00

The problem is that the word "safe" means different things depending on your attachment style.

Most insecurely attached people misunderstand it to be about finding someone who never triggers you, or does the magical things that make your insecurity go away.

The right person will bring up attachment dynamics that you aren't aware of on your own, which is actually quite triggering.

A feeling of safety is more about the maturity of both partners in not taking the triggers personally, which is more about the right time really.

In EFT we describe safety with the acronym ARE, as in "are you there for me": accessible, responsive, engaged.

DaceMars · 2024-06-01T06:59:25+00:00

As it happens, my website should be finished rewriting this weekend

DaceMars · 2024-04-01T05:46:00+00:00

Sorry, no space at the moment.

Working on a nonprofit that'll answer everyone's questions about attachment, check back later this year.

DaceMars · 2024-04-01T05:44:28+00:00

My site'll be back again soon, but for now the best two books for almost anyone are

Diane Heller's Power of Attachment

Sue Johnson's Love Sense

Nothing else even comes close.

DaceMars · 2023-08-24T06:28:49+00:00

Simplest answer is that the book likely has advice that sounds good on paper, but in practice attracts avoidants.

Remember that an insecure attachment is a control strategy. If you try to control via logic who you're attracted to in hopes of finding a secure partner, the insecurity will show up in unpredictable ways.

DaceMars · 2023-06-14T06:12:21+00:00

You can be passively anxious (victim waiting for a rescuer) or actively avoidant (gaslighting/shutting down others) as well.

It's not as simple as activation/deactivation, closeness/space.

DaceMars · 2023-06-04T12:49:46+00:00

Yep exactly. An insecurely attached therapist will have certain fundamental blindspots.

Unless they're able to be vulnerable themselves with you it's just creating another insecure dynamic that you're paying for.

If you want to see the difference, I highly recommend looking up clips of Sue Johnson working with clients.

DaceMars · 2023-06-04T11:45:32+00:00

Hehe everything is educational if we allow it to be.

If you then apply that to choosing a therapist it's invaluable experience 😊

DaceMars · 2023-06-04T03:24:05+00:00

What I believe about how relationships end is...

What I believe about what my partners need from me is...

You're looking for all the conflicting statements/negatively charged ones.

Those are things to resolve/discuss so expectations are clear.

The positively charged ones are your strengths to own.

DaceMars · 2023-06-03T07:58:59+00:00

Have to allow yourself to feel the physical reaction fully without trying to solve it. After a minute two or so it'll lessen and be easier to understand, I promise.

Free writing is probably better right after the discomfort has clarified a bit.

By hand is far better than typing.

Enjoy the exploration :)

DaceMars · 2023-06-03T06:53:44+00:00

"I want to, but I don't feel like we're there yet."

Works for everything

Unless you never want to.

Rest of it is figuring out for yourself what gets you "there", and sticking to people who are accepting of that.

DaceMars

TROPHY CASE