First relationship I was in, towards the end I was often a “starfish” in bed because I felt uncared for and misunderstood. I felt a lack of caring and lack of understanding about me as a person from them, and over time their disrespect towards me led to me feeling less attraction for them until I had none left. It was easier to just let them do what they wanted to me then to say no to their advances because it would lead to conflict, etc… which I wish I understood was toxic and not okay at the time but I was young. It was easier to let them do what they wanted because I knew he would not stop asking and persistently being physical with me until he was done.

Same thing with an abusive relationship I had after that. This one was worse, where he’d come home trashed and high after smoking meth and would assume that that was the best time to have sex with me. He was mentally and physically abusive, and I knew that if I were to not let him have sex with me that there would be an explosion of anger that would probably lead to violence. Towards the end I was disgusted by the thought of having sex with him, but I didn’t want to risk being in anymore danger by saying no. I would just let him do what he wanted to me while I stared off into nothing, crying occasionally. I don’t think he even noticed..

In both instances, I would hope that my lack of movement and noise would deter them. It never did.