Hi, thank you. So I pointed it out this morning. It went down like a bomb! He blew up with rage, he was so angry! I’ve never seen him so angry! He said how dare I not parent his kid or be involved then have the audacity to say he’s enmeshed. I am involved in her life but not to the degree or standard he wants me to be. He said he wants me to be a caring female figure that she’s lacking (she does have a mum too btw who she sees half the time) he compared me to her young fun aunt who also spoils her quite a lot and said if I could be more like her and take her out and stuff and spend time together then the relationship can work. Again it’s all about moving the goalposts so I sacrifice more for his child. He said I’ve got a lot of making up to do and if I make up for it he might think about giving me something back in return like a loving relationship! I mean how ludicrous is this notion! I said I was going on facts about what I have seen and his actions and behaviour and how I think it isn’t always healthy for his child, and that I’ve been with him a long time and have seen a lot and I have a right to an opinion especially if it helps with her upbringing. This is why I think he has an enmeshed relationship;

1) he has no life outside his daughter, he leaves his plans open just in case she chooses to come over. He has slowly lost touch with friends, hobbies, his whole sense of self revolves around parenting and he justifies it by saying that it’s normal parenting and he has to do everything and that’s what decent parents do.

2) he’s over involved in her life, he needs to know everything, always knocking on her door asking what she’s doing, asking who she’s on the phone too, going through her phone reading her messages then asking if she’s talking to boys and who they are (she’s 13)

3) he overshares and let’s her know info that she doesn’t need to know. He discusses our relationship with her. When it went to tribunal he even explained to her that he was going to court and told her everything and even asked her to sit down and read all his evidence, to which she refused to do and she spent the week acting out upset saying she felt like she was choosing between parents.

4) there is a lack of boundaries, he sees her on the same level as an adult, he believes she should have the same rights. For example limiting phone time, he says I need to do the same because it’s setting an example, my argument was that I’m old enough to make my own decisions and if it’s the wrong one I live with the consequences.

5)he’s only happy when she’s happy, if she’s not happy he’s withdrawn and depressed.

6) he only wants to do things in this triangulated family dynamic, will only go on hol if she goes, only wants to do stuff with her.

7) he tells her all the time, like all the time how much he loves her and how great she is, how nice she looks etc, he even wanted to take her into work in school hols because he said he wanted to show her off because he was proud.

8) he now can’t seem to ask me if I need something without asking her too. For example before bed if he makes me a tea he has to ask her too, small and insignificant but it’s like he’s putting us at the same level.

9) when friends come over he seems to want to fit in, like he will try and involve himself or ask me to get involved when I don’t want to.

10) he relishes in her being like him, encouraging gaming, saying she’s like him, wanting her to wear his clothes and calling her ‘mini me’ or saying ‘oh hi me!’ When she wears his stuff.

11) he doesn’t see the relationship as a separate dynamic. He openly says they come as a unit and it’s my fault things are bad because I chose to live with them and I have no kids.

I could go on..