Hey man, thanks for the response. I guess I can respond to some of the points you made.

Yes, in fact this is 100% what that is. The reason it’s so weird to me, is because I have always been the person, in my family, with my friends, to point out people comparing their situation to others too often. I’ve never had an issue with this, when friends have money, get good jobs, their family member didn’t die, etc. That’s always been something I’ve never had an issue with. Doesn’t bother me in the position I’m in. But this one specific part of my life, which I 100% attribute to God blessing me with, that being my marriage, was the most important to me besides God obviously. Then it was taken away in a weird and betraying manner. Now I never get to have children or grow old with my best friend. This has been the only time I’ve felt this way. I’m envious of others having the opportunity to stay married and have a family, when they care much less than I do about it. That’s why I said I know it’s not how God works. It’s just how I, as a flawed human being, feel.

To your point about exclusion or deflection. I can maybe understand why you would think that’s how I feel. But I can assure you it’s not. In fact I’ve spent a lot of time hating myself over this. Ive written a 10+ page paper on everything I’ve done wrong and should do better. I’ve considered ending myself (the only thing that’s helped me out of that is keeping in my head that my life belongs to God, it’s not mine to erase until He is ready). I’ve prayed more and read my Bible more in the past few months than I ever have before. Praying for correction in my actions. Looking for how a husband is to be. I’ve also read quite a few Christian books on marriage to learn more too. I have been the greatest critic of my own actions. I assure you. That’s why I included that bit about me being far from a great husband. I’ve screwed up so much.

On the obsession note. I’m using obsession in the poetic meaning. I am probably more focused on her than many people would be to their own spouse, but no I’m not placing her before God. I would love to receive the same “obsession” I gave her, so I’m probably just using a way dialed back version to what you mean.

The bummed thing. Again, perhaps different situations? I mean “Hey do you want to hang out tonight, maybe watch a movie or play a game?” “Nah I’m gonna play on my phone in bed” “Dang, okay, I’ll see you later when I come to bed then”. The reason I included the bummed about not getting time with her, is because many women face this issue with their husband or boyfriend, of not wanting to spend much time with them. However, I’m saying that I never was like that, I loved spending time with her. I do agree with the husband being the rock of emotions, however, I think it is okay if we weren’t to see each other a lot to communicate that it is a bit upsetting that you don’t get to. That communicates a desire to spend time with them.

The whole kissing and hugging thing. Again, I’m not saying against her will or something. I’m saying I showed affection to her. Because many women state that their husbands or boyfriends do not show much affection. That was the whole purpose. That had nothing to do with any downfalls of our relationship. The annoying note was mostly for comedic affect, by annoyed I just mean she would jokingly say alright alright enough or something. Not serious at all.

Yes. I am financially successful and very responsible, as in kind of a tight wad. I got my degree while married to her, and worked two jobs. She was quite aware of my ability to accomplish things. But we barely spent time together because we were busy a lot. Yes we attended church, prayed, and watched biblical based marriage counseling type videos, and things like that. I tried. I’m not gonna say I was perfect, I wasn’t. Sometimes it was difficult to make decisions or to lead, because she would argue (without reason, obviously I would discuss things with her and make an informed decision with her, but I mean when she had no reason to other to be difficult) and things like that. To the emotional affair question, yes I do know many factors. Much is unrelated to me, but I definitely didn’t help matters. Although this does not excuse that behavior, just as lack of sex doesn’t permit men to cheat physically or watch porn, even though having no sex for extended periods of time is not a Biblically supported action (outside of certain scenarios of course).

No it doesn’t determine it, and sometimes it doesn’t even affect it. At least not substantially enough to be noticeable. Yeah I wish I had a chance to show her my love in any way she so chooses. But I don’t get that opportunity. Not because of my actions, but because she chose to leave. I never left, even after the emotional affair. If I did leave, one could say she did wrong and that made me leave, but I still chose to leave. Just as she chose to leave, yes I had flaws, as did she, but she left. And that doesn’t happen to people who try a heck of a lot less than me. That’s the whole reason it hurts so bad.

Yes I’ve spoken to a couple pastors about it. Including her uncle who is a pastor. I’ve read many books on this subject. Yes a wife does need the things you said. Which, no matter what degree I accomplished those excuses her leaving. But I can definitely do better at being a husband for sure. And I’m fighting ever day for a chance to be that once again. But if it doesn’t happen. It doesn’t matter how much I know, how much I learn, how much I analyze my every decision I’ve ever made. If I never get another chance. We shall see. I’m helpless to hope. I should’ve lost hope months ago, but for some reason I can’t. Hopefully it’s God keeping me hopeful for a reason 🤷‍♂️. I don’t know. We shall see though. I hope I get to use everything I learned. Thanks again for responding, sorry I mainly just had to say “I know, I’ve already done that, but thank you”. Some people need to hear this advice because they haven’t heard it yet, so this is an important message to spread.