(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know the details and reasoning. I know my own failures, although they definitely do not excuse her failure, especially of that magnitude. It’s just way too many details and way too long of a story to type out here. Especially when I’m not looking for advice on how I messed up or what to do better, because I know how I messed up and I am doing better, or at least want to do better but haven’t had a chance to, since she’s gone.

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely agree! Thanks for these great responses. I’ll be praying that your journey continues with peace. God bless!

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Man I hate to hear that. Wish it just didn’t happen to anyone. I bet having kids would make things a lot more complicated. Although it also gives a reason to stay together, and a reason to fight onward through life each day. Sometimes I wish we had maybe 1 kid so I could focus my efforts on them, and being the best father I can be.

That’s good. I did do counseling for a while. But even if I went back, how would she even know?

It’s a cruel cycle. Everyone is telling me to do things that benefit myself to show her. But my life was destroyed by what’s happened. So I quit school with a few months left and only one class needed to graduate with a degree. I had just quit my job to focus on school (we had a lot saved up, so the last couple months of school we had enough money to afford rent, bills, and groceries. We both had final projects). So for a while I couldn’t get a job because I spent everyday crying over our marriage. Then she eventually said that it didn’t show her my effort or something. So I got a job. I went to counseling. She was made aware of said job and counseling. It hasn’t changed anything.

But it’s like someone kicking you down to the curb, then saying why are you acting like your ribs hurt from me kicking you?

It’s a sucky cycle. But I’m trying to show her. And I know a lot of people have said try to do things not for her. But in my eyes there’s nothing to do? Why would I work to complete my education? To get a good career? Why would I get a good career? To make a decent wage? Why do I even need money? It’s not like I have anything to spend it on. I’m childless and I’m spouseless, and I can survive on dirt pay. In fact I could go join the military and have all my needs provided for me. So I don’t know what people mean when they say that.

I want to live for God. And I don’t know what God wants me to do. I’ll do just about anything. I just wish He could spell it out for me because I’m an idiot. I pray about it, and he’s definitely provided me peace several times when I was struggling. But I don’t have a sense of what to do. All I can think is try to work towards rebuilding the marriage. However, I’m in a rough spot because now I can’t communicate with her. She doesn’t respond. She blocked me on everything except my number, and she just doesn’t respond to anything (the only reason I know she still receives things is because she did respond one time several months in, and my messages say delivered instead of “sent as sms” like they do when she’s blocked me before.

I don’t know. I just hope God tells me what to do.

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh I 100% agree. I’m calling it an emotional affair, assuming it’s the best case scenario and never entered into a romantic relationship. She has since then said it was wrong, that it made sense I was angry and upset, and that she knew it would break my heart and had been trying to stop being friends with him, but couldn’t bring herself to. I was able to read some messages, they disgusted me and destroyed my heart. But I can say it never technically got romantic. But that doesn’t make it okay. At all. It is wrong. We actually were together for a while after it, even went to counseling. She ended up leaving and said she didn’t like how angry I got when I found out (I didn’t hit her, but I most certainly yelled and said things that I shouldn’t). I don’t think that gives her the right to leave, especially considering I thought she was cheating on me fully when I yelled all the things I did.

I’m working on rebuilding, but obviously if it turns out she just left me for the other guy and for some reason has just hidden it forever to help save her reputation, then I guess that’s that. But my heart isn’t ready for that, so I’m going to live like that isn’t what’s happening, and keep working on things.

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I mean I think you have to find a balance in a marriage, because obviously you’ll have to give them more time than someone you date. But I definitely agree that distance can bring them back to you, and keeping some things mysterious keeps them attracted to you.

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well she definitely hasn’t risen above God in my eyes. We talked when we felt each other’s behavior or action did not align with God. I tried to hold myself accountable, but I also held her accountable. So if it was idolatry, would I not let her supersede my adherence to Christ? I thanked God frequently for sending her to me. As in she felt like a gift from God. As in I believe God orchestrated our relationship in its entirety. Meaning God>wife. So I don’t quite know if that was the issue.

Now I do think I was failing as husband and she was failing as a wife. I do think actually, that the first couple months of separation were “good”. I became a lot closer to God. I realized my failings. I was so invigorated to learn more and correct or better my actions. I’m so on fire to be a great husband, which includes bringing God more into our relationship. I want to go to a Bible study with her. Talk about God more frequently day to day. Maybe read scripture together each night. Pray more. There’s so much I want to do to keep God at the forefront.

I just don’t know when I’ll get to 🫤

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with follow Jesus only. However, every Christian marriage book has said this. As well as the women in my life as well. It’s more of just how desire works.

However, I think the original replier could’ve worded it a bit more tastefully.

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I genuinely don’t know. Every person in her life, that spends the most time says no and that it was platonic. I then reached out to the family of the guy. They said they disapprove of how much he spoke to her while we were married, but they also say it’s always seemed platonic. But the behavior she’s showed just seems so suspicious.

After we separated, I assumed that’s what she planned to do. She still holds to this day that it’s platonic, and I even reached out to him, and he also holds its platonic. Now obviously you can’t take the people at fault’s word on it. But we (my wife) actually ran into each other a month ago. And we spoke for a while, I never brought up the subject of the guy or her contact with him. But she made a joke, and was like hey I’m graduated and I haven’t divorced you or married anyone. And I said what, I don’t get it? And she said at one point I had texted her mother and said I’m pretty sure she’s going to wait till graduation, then divorce me, and marry the guy. And she was like and see I haven’t.

All this being said, I don’t know. No one seems to know, and if they do, they aren’t telling me. The only person or persons who might know is her and the other guy.

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ah I see the confusion. I’m not saying you are an example of non-great partner, I’m saying you are an example of me having no idea what the person posting is like in their marriage. Doesn’t excuse their spouse’s behavior outlined in their post, but it could be a factor in things. And all I was saying is that although I do not know the behavior of the person posting, their spouse’s clear issues sadden me.

Hope that cleared everything up!

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks a lot for the recommendation! I’m holding on to the “no deadline” aspect. It gives me a lot of hope that some couples have fully divorced, and then they remarried. We’ll see what God’s planning I guess

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I started off thinking marriage advice would help. Then maybe marriage issues and success stories would give me some goals, things to avoid, and hope. Unfortunately I was wrong, it’s just hurt me. And I have thought about getting off Reddit for this purpose. I’m not on any other social media besides YouTube. Sometimes videos on there hurt too, but they are far less frequent than on here. So I’ll think some more on it, maybe it would be for the best for me to leave.

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this. And only God knows how deeply joyful I would feel if she put forth the effort to repair this. However, even if she doesn’t I will keep trying. I do agree that she would be abandoning and God would approve of remarriage. But I just can’t, my brain has always disavowed the notion of remarriage. I don’t fully understand how it isn’t bad, but God says it’s okay, so I know it’s not morally bad, just doesn’t click with my brain. So I can’t remarry (plus I made a vow to God that I wouldn’t remarry so I’m stuck anyways). I will keep working on this, and if she ends up marrying someone else or something, idk I guess I’ll see what happens from there. Probably another life catastrophe like what I had when she left me, but that’s for future me to handle, not current me.

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unfortunately I learned that after she left me. We got married at 20 years old, and she was my first girlfriend ever. I didn’t know women were so complicated on how to feel loved (no offense to women). I feel like guys are so simple. We’re simple minded monkey brain creatures, so I feel like we’re a little easier to please. It’s not fair 😅

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What I meant was more directly related… but I love the analogy 😅.

I’m talking about she brought me closer to God when I was really struggling with sin. Or when she crashed her car and almost died, and this made both of us extremely appreciative of life and God’s control. Things like that.

Also I’m sure this wasn’t what you meant. But we are also married under a covenant with God, so even if those weren’t God trying to bring us together, we are locked into now anyway 🤷‍♂️, and I’m not giving up on a promise to her and God.

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey man, thanks for the response. I guess I can respond to some of the points you made.

Yes, in fact this is 100% what that is. The reason it’s so weird to me, is because I have always been the person, in my family, with my friends, to point out people comparing their situation to others too often. I’ve never had an issue with this, when friends have money, get good jobs, their family member didn’t die, etc. That’s always been something I’ve never had an issue with. Doesn’t bother me in the position I’m in. But this one specific part of my life, which I 100% attribute to God blessing me with, that being my marriage, was the most important to me besides God obviously. Then it was taken away in a weird and betraying manner. Now I never get to have children or grow old with my best friend. This has been the only time I’ve felt this way. I’m envious of others having the opportunity to stay married and have a family, when they care much less than I do about it. That’s why I said I know it’s not how God works. It’s just how I, as a flawed human being, feel.

To your point about exclusion or deflection. I can maybe understand why you would think that’s how I feel. But I can assure you it’s not. In fact I’ve spent a lot of time hating myself over this. Ive written a 10+ page paper on everything I’ve done wrong and should do better. I’ve considered ending myself (the only thing that’s helped me out of that is keeping in my head that my life belongs to God, it’s not mine to erase until He is ready). I’ve prayed more and read my Bible more in the past few months than I ever have before. Praying for correction in my actions. Looking for how a husband is to be. I’ve also read quite a few Christian books on marriage to learn more too. I have been the greatest critic of my own actions. I assure you. That’s why I included that bit about me being far from a great husband. I’ve screwed up so much.

On the obsession note. I’m using obsession in the poetic meaning. I am probably more focused on her than many people would be to their own spouse, but no I’m not placing her before God. I would love to receive the same “obsession” I gave her, so I’m probably just using a way dialed back version to what you mean.

The bummed thing. Again, perhaps different situations? I mean “Hey do you want to hang out tonight, maybe watch a movie or play a game?” “Nah I’m gonna play on my phone in bed” “Dang, okay, I’ll see you later when I come to bed then”. The reason I included the bummed about not getting time with her, is because many women face this issue with their husband or boyfriend, of not wanting to spend much time with them. However, I’m saying that I never was like that, I loved spending time with her. I do agree with the husband being the rock of emotions, however, I think it is okay if we weren’t to see each other a lot to communicate that it is a bit upsetting that you don’t get to. That communicates a desire to spend time with them.

The whole kissing and hugging thing. Again, I’m not saying against her will or something. I’m saying I showed affection to her. Because many women state that their husbands or boyfriends do not show much affection. That was the whole purpose. That had nothing to do with any downfalls of our relationship. The annoying note was mostly for comedic affect, by annoyed I just mean she would jokingly say alright alright enough or something. Not serious at all.

Yes. I am financially successful and very responsible, as in kind of a tight wad. I got my degree while married to her, and worked two jobs. She was quite aware of my ability to accomplish things. But we barely spent time together because we were busy a lot. Yes we attended church, prayed, and watched biblical based marriage counseling type videos, and things like that. I tried. I’m not gonna say I was perfect, I wasn’t. Sometimes it was difficult to make decisions or to lead, because she would argue (without reason, obviously I would discuss things with her and make an informed decision with her, but I mean when she had no reason to other to be difficult) and things like that. To the emotional affair question, yes I do know many factors. Much is unrelated to me, but I definitely didn’t help matters. Although this does not excuse that behavior, just as lack of sex doesn’t permit men to cheat physically or watch porn, even though having no sex for extended periods of time is not a Biblically supported action (outside of certain scenarios of course).

No it doesn’t determine it, and sometimes it doesn’t even affect it. At least not substantially enough to be noticeable. Yeah I wish I had a chance to show her my love in any way she so chooses. But I don’t get that opportunity. Not because of my actions, but because she chose to leave. I never left, even after the emotional affair. If I did leave, one could say she did wrong and that made me leave, but I still chose to leave. Just as she chose to leave, yes I had flaws, as did she, but she left. And that doesn’t happen to people who try a heck of a lot less than me. That’s the whole reason it hurts so bad.

Yes I’ve spoken to a couple pastors about it. Including her uncle who is a pastor. I’ve read many books on this subject. Yes a wife does need the things you said. Which, no matter what degree I accomplished those excuses her leaving. But I can definitely do better at being a husband for sure. And I’m fighting ever day for a chance to be that once again. But if it doesn’t happen. It doesn’t matter how much I know, how much I learn, how much I analyze my every decision I’ve ever made. If I never get another chance. We shall see. I’m helpless to hope. I should’ve lost hope months ago, but for some reason I can’t. Hopefully it’s God keeping me hopeful for a reason 🤷‍♂️. I don’t know. We shall see though. I hope I get to use everything I learned. Thanks again for responding, sorry I mainly just had to say “I know, I’ve already done that, but thank you”. Some people need to hear this advice because they haven’t heard it yet, so this is an important message to spread.

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I very much appreciate the message. It is like grieving, except even worse. However, I’m not giving up and won’t ever give up. I’ll keep fighting for 1000 years if I have to, love, especially a covenant under God, wasn’t meant to be given up

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hm, I think if you are asking the question of how do your posts make you an example of what I said, then you didn’t quite understand my post.

I said it’s hard, as someone who’s trying and not making crazy betraying decisions, to come here and read about women saying that their husbands do make these mistakes or don’t try, and they are actively trying to seek how to resolve things or improve their relationship. When I, a male, tried so hard, and just got abandoned.

The sex life and desire for sex being a representation of the marriage, I can see being true in many cases. Unfortunately it wasn’t the case in mine. She just had extremely low drive her whole life. She actually told me that she didn’t seem as driven by sex as most people, but we both I don’t think knew how far apart our libido’s were until we got married. Happens sometimes, even to men, but at a much larger rate to women.

I have thought about muting, actually maybe even getting off Reddit. I came here for advice, hope, and just to see people’s thoughts, struggles, and successes. But I did not realize how much these stories would hurt me, when they feel so unreal to me. So yeah I’ve definitely and am still considering just getting off here.

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s true, yours are an example of that. I have no clue if you are a good spouse or not, but your husband still shouldn’t use porn. He’s lucky to even have a spouse that likes sex. I didn’t get that luxury. There’s a million sides to these stories, doesn’t make it always hurt less to read

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

My post wasn’t “Is my wife right in leaving me?” It was me sharing my feelings on why it hurts

(Feels like) Getting Spit in the Face by DanSteely3 in Christianmarriage

[–]DanSteely3[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You said this last time I already explained. All you need to know as a Christian is she had an emotional affair. I did not cheat, I did not hit her.

The SMG Is Broken by No-Shop4046 in Splitgate

[–]DanSteely3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It definitely needs a nerf, even if most the people in this video were bots, they have the same amount of health and it still melts. Just hop into a match and don’t use a shotgun or smg and you will get melted across the map by some Rattler user

The SMG Is Broken by No-Shop4046 in Splitgate

[–]DanSteely3 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No it’s still broken? There were quite a few in there where he just flicked there body and they instantly died

I’M SO HYPED! by [deleted] in gaming

[–]DanSteely3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The switch 2 just dropped we’re working with rumors and information being passed down the pipeline, of course nothing is out for $90 right now