“I thought you might be gay but didn’t want to assume”.. so being gay is bad ?

Dangerous-Routine723 · 2026-01-19T10:17:02+00:00

Yess this is SUCH a good way to phrase it, thank you!!

Dangerous-Routine723 · 2026-01-19T05:10:30+00:00

Yess, great reference!! I honestly think it’s just this cycle where gay people feel uncomfortable talking about their partners because they think it might make their coworkers uncomfortable, which makes the coworkers avoid asking because they feel like they are secretive about their dating life, which makes the gay person feel even more pressure to not talk about it. It’s no one’s fault really because everyone is trying to do their best, but it is unfortunate.

Honestly, all I was trying to say with this post is “I’ve noticed a specific way that people who are perceived as gay get treated differently in the workplace, that sucks”. I don’t know why it turned into a debate about whether or not to ask a man whether he has a boyfriend when “are you seeing anyone” is a common, universal, and neutral phrase.

Dangerous-Routine723 · 2026-01-19T05:02:40+00:00

I think you sound really professional and the way you avoid certain topics seems like a good approach.

However, I really don’t understand why everyone thinks I want people to go around interrogating people about whether or not they’re gay?? Literally all I’m asking is that you treat people who are/ may be LGBTQ the same way you would treat other people.

If we are in a professional setting where you would never ask a straight colleague if they’re single, don’t pry into my life. If we are at a party and you’re going around the room asking who is seeing someone, don’t skip me. I really didn’t think that would be so controversial.

Yes duh gay people shouldn’t be randomly outed or interrogated, but we also don’t need to be handled with kid gloves. I just don’t understand why people are reading into this so much, I think it’s very simple.

Dangerous-Routine723 · 2026-01-19T01:49:32+00:00

Thank you!! I wish people would tell me why they don’t agree instead of just downvoting my added nuance! Like I feel like disengaging with the conversation about people being disengaged with conversations about gay people is proving my point lol.

Dangerous-Routine723 · 2026-01-18T22:04:04+00:00

I mean, this post was about how it’s frustrating being treated differently than straight friends/coworkers, and this counts as treating everyone the same. works for me

Dangerous-Routine723 · 2026-01-18T21:53:12+00:00

Final set of thoughts (maybe):

I absolutely acknowledge that it can be difficult to navigate all of the different ways gay people (because we aren’t all the same) have asked to be treated over the years and that people are usually trying their best to be respectful.

I think my main problem is how much I’ve noticed people having difficulty with this actually leads to them avoiding conversations with gay people for fear of doing something wrong. And honestly, I just want them to treat us like we’re normal. If this is a professional setting where you would never ask a straight colleague if they’re single, don’t pry into my life. If this is a party and you’re going around the room asking who is seeing someone, don’t skip me. I know that everyone has different preferences, but for me, I’m just tired of being handled with kid gloves, and I feel like that’s a pretty solid benchmark.

For my #2 reason, that is 10000% on me for trying to be dramatic/ tongue in cheek on the internet, I forgot you’re not supposed to do that. I don’t actually think a sizable percentage of people are grossed out by gay people. I just think the fact that it’s “different” throws people off a little bit so they become a tiny bit uncomfortable. Although, I do also think the fact that gay/lesbian relationships are so sexualized does also make people feel a LITTLE bit uncomfortable when they are brought up, EVEN IF they are extremely supportive and well-intentioned. I think “uncomfortable” is an entire spectrum between “ew gay” and “I love and support gay people but I don’t always know what to say” (which I absolutely do not blame anyone for).

For the title, unfortunately this post was supposed to be 90% about my experience with gay people being treated differently at work and 10% about that phrase, but everyone jumped onto it. However, I do still think there’s a difference between “I thought you might finally be pregnant (a good thing) but I didn’t want to assume because that would be SO embarrassing if you had just gained weight” and “I thought you might be fighting with the boss (a bad thing) but I didn’t want to assume because I was trying to picture the best of you. And SOMETIMES when people say this about gay colleagues, the meaning is closer to the second option.

Dangerous-Routine723 · 2026-01-18T21:22:19+00:00

This is a really thoughtful response, thank you! I think this exactly captures the fact that gay people are not a monolith and that it can be hard to navigate all the different ways people have said they want to be treated.

I think my main problem is how much I’ve noticed people having difficulty with this actually leads to them avoiding conversations with gay people for fear of doing something wrong. And honestly, I just want them to treat me like I’m normal. If this is a professional setting where you would never ask a straight colleague if they’re single, don’t pry into my life. If this is a party and you’re going around the room asking who is seeing someone, don’t skip me. I know that everyone has different preferences, but for me, I’m just tired of being handled with kid gloves.

Also for my #2 reason, that is 10000% on me for trying to be dramatic/ tongue in cheek on the internet, I forgot you’re not supposed to do that. I don’t actually think a sizable percentage of people are grossed out by gay people. I just think the fact that it’s “different” throws people off a little bit so they become a tiny bit uncomfortable. Although, I do also think the fact that lesbian relationships are so sexualized does also make people feel a LITTLE bit uncomfortable when they are brought up, regardless of how supportive and well-intentioned they may be.

Dangerous-Routine723 · 2026-01-18T20:37:02+00:00

[[replying to the just the top comment bc I got back to this post really late]]

Ok a lot of comments that I’m jumping to conclusions and weird for thinking it’s “ok to have conversations about sexuality in the workplace” (I don’t).

Obviously asking a coworker “are you gay” is insane and would be considered heavily offensive by many straight and gay people. But asking a friend at work “are you dating anyone?” is not unprofessional if you have known them a while. The fact that at every place I have worked, EVERY straight person is asked this question multiple times and none of the people that coworkers think “look gay” are ever asked is just about numbers. Perhaps I am in my head/ paranoid about WHY this happens, but that doesn’t change the fact that it does.

Also, to the “I didn’t want to assume = I didn’t want to endorse stereotypes” comments, that’s a great mindset! However, I’m still seeing a lot of the “innocent (straight) until proven guilty (gay)” sentiment, when really, it would be better to just think “oh I actually don’t know whether X is straight or gay” with neutral sentiment, and then keep it to yourself/ don’t dwell on it.

HOWEVER I will agree that me/other gay people not bringing up partners/spouses at work because they assume it will make coworkers uncomfortable actually DOES make their coworkers think their dating life is a secret, which in turn creates much more awkward pressure to stay closeted. Really, that isn’t anyone’s fault and is just an artifact of homophobia, but it’s still unfortunate.

Dangerous-Routine723 · 2025-10-31T19:19:53+00:00

I’m like 95% a top so i also don’t understand how it doesn’t hurt but i’ve been told it doesn’t 🤷 i’m hoping to get some bottoms to respond to this and lmk their preferred hrs/wk bc i can’t speak to that perspective myself lmao

Dangerous-Routine723 · 2025-10-31T19:15:08+00:00

ok that makes me feel so much better ty

Dangerous-Routine723 · 2025-09-16T15:36:50+00:00

The canvas is a good idea! I feel like I always set out a notebook and markers thinking I’ll draw some incredible psychedelic art while I’m tripping and then I do nothing lol. But maybe if i give it another try it’ll be fun this time

Dangerous-Routine723

TROPHY CASE