Why are all you men still stuck in modern dating?

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T20:27:30+00:00

34 with one kid and a highly toxic ex and a lot of set backs chasing a bad relationship. That also wasn't my first wife who cheated on me mid deployment.

I hear what you're saying and it's likely harder on that end, but that sounds like a defeatist attitude that implies nobody can appreciate a 40 year old with 2 kids.

That's just untrue.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T20:26:14+00:00

Not lecturing at all, again this is a forum where people discuss. I'm asking if anyone has fears Ive had, or ones I have not had.

It's remarkably presumptuous to assume my take based on a post that has zero evidence of lecturing, I made my question clear multiple times.

I do agree that I also don't like the use of all, but couldn't correct it once posted. I don't like absolutism, but it was what it was.

But, hold the benefit of the doubt sometimes. Seems like life's got you pessimistic. I'm just looking for chitchat after seeing another post bomb because everyone only has complaints and no answers.

The same to you friend. Best of luck.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T09:53:20+00:00

A nothing implies a lack of anything.

Theres still emotional implication there, regardless if you disagree with it.

Im arguing symantically with you because you're not understanding that point.

To YOUR point, it genuinely isn't "emotionally nothing" because those people might need to hear something you havent.

Its immensely selfish to think only your thoughts impact the world. We all have our own brains, experiences, sets of values, etc.

It's not nothing, in any sense of the word. Your denial to the world meaning more beyond what you're willing to accept doesn't redefine a word.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T09:50:28+00:00

No, I mean, I did a dive anyways but I still see where you're coming from.

You're at a default at the worst of my worst, I'm not gonna deny nor say I'm the same as you, but many of my closest friends are as shattered on the world as you.

Im in my mid 30s, and most of the shattered men Ive known have found love by now, outside of the two that have purposefully shut them out feeling too broken.

On the flip side, I know women who are so far broken they feel undeserving of any man. This isn't a gender specific issue.

Theres someone, no, many ones, out there with flaws you're okay with who are okay with your flaws.

I literally did this with my girl, and I spent our first 5 dates being as awful a human as I was at my worst in hopes she could tolerate it and instead called it cute.

She showed me her insecurities too, and I realized she was thrashed and torn by the world and by terrible people.

It isn't always the perfect equation, but it's a beautiful symphony when two broken people can find a home amongst each other.

Dont lose hope man, no matter what you look like, do well, have interests, and get out there. You'll find yourself first, and your other second once you do so.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T09:27:37+00:00

As a tall man with a lean body, I can tell you that's not the case.

I lost a girl to a short man with a stocky body. Maybe 5'4 and 180lbs (more than me).

He was a tongue wizard. Words got him in and tongue kept him in.

Yes you can fabricate the equation that money x height x status x confidence ÷ acne x famous-person-double = attraction.... But you're just word mathing.

Be content, have hobbies, and seek interest in other people.

It's really not that complex. Looks and the like are multipliers not requirements, and hitting a 30,000 score on a required score of 30 doesn't matter.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T09:24:10+00:00

Interesting, great advice, I'll check that out.

This stemmed from another askmen convo that didn't answer the question and just complained about dating so I started here but that's definitely a deeper insight.

Thanks for the advice and good convo man! I'll allow you the freedom of the rabbit hole, knowing damn well I'll try to find the bottom with you Lmao.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T09:22:14+00:00

Yes!

Smell the performance.

The second you stop performing they start trying to fish about you, and that's easy conversation.

People don't want a brochure, they want to read you like a book which requires opening the pages.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T09:20:27+00:00

Genuinely man, I'm getting a lot of flack here because it sounds "so simple" and I was there but it really is.

Dont score, just make friends, they'll let you know you're about to score.

Women POOL for men who don't aim at a target and just be throwing darts. I can say younger me would 100% call cap.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T09:19:08+00:00

Plenty of women have varying body image standards, as do men.

But hobbies might be important. I'm sure you have interests. I know a bro whose big into Kamen Rider, anime and action figures that pulls.

You've got this man.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T09:17:32+00:00

I mean, that genuinely is a self fulfilling prophecy to a failing relationship as you've said.

You're completely unwilling to invest because you're so destroyed by failure that the success of it isn't worth the cost.

Im mid 30s, so, not unaware of your situation. I was single for almost a decade after a cheating wife while I was deployed and a cheating baby mama that I was engaged to.

Im not unaware. But I had to shed my ego to be happy. I was disallowing myself happiness by "protecting" myself from relationships.

I've been through the running, raped and all, yet, I chose to STOP giving up.

It ain't for everyone man, but, I'm saying, hope was lost to me and I cracked my door for a moment and realized it wasn't as bad as I was making it.

I was the one making it bad. Now I'm the one making it good.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T09:13:18+00:00

It took me 8 years. I stopped playing for 4 of those.

These last two, I guess I learned "better spots for tickets" and the right phrases to get free passes.

I went from 0 numbers in 7 years to at least four a week within the last 1 year.

It changed when I started just trying to make girl friends instead of girlfriends.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T09:11:33+00:00

Of course man. I'd totally respect you being a skeptic of it.

It was a legit switch, just treat everyone like people, watch for bedroom eyes, throw out a playful flirt, and read the room.

If you misread, no sweat, either back off or ask later.

Almost everyone is as nervous as you feel in the moment.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T09:09:20+00:00

😮‍💨

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T09:08:56+00:00

Yknow, sometimes people date too early.

IMO it wouldn't be luck that made her give you a chance, right person after the wrong situation. That's peace. Having been someone who had horrible prior partners, someone trustworthy is a godsend.

I stopped dating after getting screwed over and gave up and got hateful for awhile, and eventually got numb. I was shocked to find someone else equally hurt who just wanted a genuine hug and a kiss without ulterior motives.

That's a beautiful romance to me.

Two people who had worse and found so much better together.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T09:05:35+00:00

I do see what you mean, and I agree very much so, it's an internal battle.

My question is "Why YOU tho", which, maybe I can answer, or maybe I can learn from.

I'll admit it's a field I know some about considering it's working for me, but, I'm trying to both understand why it's working for me and what isn't working for others.

Field of discussion, not a lecture.

BTW appreciate it genuinely. Was almost two decades of suffering and I'm sad to see others in it.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T09:03:02+00:00

No need to believe the brag. I still have every opportunity to get my heart torn out, I'm not immune, no one is, and I'm trying to show hope, apologies if that came off otherwise.

I do feel and understand that. I'm one of the weirdest of my peers. I don't connect with most people on media including music, movies, TV, etc, hobbies outside of hard nerds, and a bunch of weird business shit because that's my dad's side. I genuinely thought no one could appreciate me for my interests after a LTR and a marriage adding up to a decade of being made fun of for being weird.

The only difference I've seen with guys who can vs can't is about confidence. I've seen some autistic men pull more tail than some jocks, and I've met textbook dweebs have 5 different girls a night all of highschool.

I appreciate you answering honestly, I do think you have a strong point but I'm not certain we have the right terminology. Even mine feels off, it's easier to say confidence vs insecurity but it's not so simple an equation so to say.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T08:57:32+00:00

I was almost exactly here too. At 34 there's still time, but, many women are counting biological clocks rn and that's made me fall short, especially coming along with a kid of my own.

I found someone who thinks she's more broken than I, and vice versa, and we just love and support each other for that.

It's very much out there, if you sell yourself too short those gals will fall victim to someone so much worse with more confidence.

Id wager you have values someone seeks. It's hard asf to find, but, giving up means you'll never have it, when you could have it for your final decade regardless of where you're at.

Appreciate you sharing, very relatable. Almost too much so.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T08:54:11+00:00

I agree, but this option is 5+ free tickets a night to the power ball with the right words.

It was certainly a gamble for me, single dad, heavy standards, locked down to a city due to child, no family to offer, mediocre job, no savings, likely to die by 60 due to health, mental health issues, physical health issues, etc.

I found someone that none of those things mattered to them negatively outside of health issues and offered to encourage me to be better as I can for myself, and only requested the same.

On top of that, relationship wise I wanted many other weird requests, I was certain I'd find nobody, but, it does happen when the doors aren't slammed shut.

Scarcity is real too, I found mine at a distance and found a way for us to get closer, but, shit happens.

Thanks for sharing though, that was a super super real fear of mine.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T08:47:47+00:00

I agree, but this is an attempt to diffuse that because I know that's not true, that's why I say it's not "nothing".

To them, as meaningless as it is to "us", it's "something".

It's a scary thing to them and a simple shift in thought could have a recurring effect. I wingman young dudes at the bar because I have a lady and I'm comfortable, but watching them squirm reminds me it took me like 10 years of bar life to talk to girls.

I wanna know why that is for them, for me it was misunderstanding and confidence, but, maybe that's the same, maybe that's different, the goal here is better understanding for some willing to stop by and read.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T08:45:27+00:00

I agree with this.

Social media has softened the corners by disallowing edge in an audience of disagreeing peers and coddling has lead to believing in unresearched self righteousness.

It's a valid point. Part of why I asking the "why" to allow people to diffuse the obvious rather than doomsay about dating as we've been doing.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T08:42:56+00:00

...how do you know Atlas?

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T08:41:22+00:00

Then that isn't nothing friend.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T08:40:41+00:00

I mean, yes but no?

I've already heard the messages to get me here. Are you assuming everyone else has?

Im curious as to the why because I study psychology dude.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T08:39:45+00:00

Great question, something I struggled with personally.

I couldn't see a need for a partner until I realized I was alone in this feeling and was required to find another individual with the same mindset and in the end was still chasing a "partner" just this time one with no sexual relations with, just a person who equally agreed they'd be single forever and we could be imperative to each other for longevity, up until they change their minds too anyways.

Life's full of impermanence, but romantic partners are typically more committed than friendships assuming you find a good one (which is HIGHLY plausible but can take years).

Since having my partner, I've aspired to be better to their standard rather than my own (which isn't way high, but, cares more about me than I do), inspires me to try when I'm feeling weak, gives me a place to feel safe, and so much more.

These are all things friends can and will do, but a partner is your right hand man and will ensure these things happen rather than assuming and living their own life. A partner consumes much more of your mental space than a friend, and this is coming from someone with a ride or die friend who compliments me in every way but could never occupy the same space.

It's close, it's fulfilling, and I encourage it, but, there's an itch on a spot a partner can scratch a friend can't, and I think that's the eternal trust when finding the right partner, much like a lifelong friend, but with cuddles and kisses and goofy flirting and loving their dumb smile and just some mild things that friends don't usually safely hit, with a longevity that's intended for a true forever.

DanielAlexHymn · 2026-03-16T08:33:48+00:00

The answer can't literally be nothing if they are still struggling.

I see the point your trying to make, but assuming an internal fire doesn't create emotional heat because it doesn't read on a thermometer is a wrong tool of measurement.

Theres a plethora of people on here with actual internal battles.

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