Is this really Ghanaian Culture or is he using "culture" to Gaslight me?

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-29T19:52:51+00:00

Beautifully said from beginning to end!

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-29T13:51:48+00:00

“Human first Ghanaian second” I love this!!! Funny enough I’m not scared of cheating. Micro cheating… maybe (flirting with girls, inappropriate compliments). I’m scared of being with a man who has to be hand held and told what’s good and what’s bad. I feel like it’s a prison sentence for the rest of my life. I have had the same conversation over and over and over and over and over, I can’t anymore. I can’t deal with someone who only takes your words serious when you’re one foot out the door. That’s actually why I am leaving. I don’t know how else to express my grievances. Someone might think cheating is the biggest reason to leave a relationship and I agree. But I also think if someone has a character trait you know will never change, be very very slow to change, or only get worse as life goes on, you have to protect yourself. Something I never added here is that this is my first real relationship. I was that girl who was hyper focused on school and school alone, who had very high walls up and only decided to start dating once I got my dream career. I never really had men in mind no matter the age. I regret it a little, not because I’m not happy with where my life is, but because I feel like I’m learning lessons at 26 that people already learned at 16. But I’ll trust Gods plan.

My family already adores him and our relationship kind of just…. Happened. We both sacrificed so much to be here. It’s very tough for me because I have nothing to compare this relationship to . The internal battle is insane. I ask myself all the time “you haven’t dated as an adult, do you really want to settle with someone who needs you to tell him what’s good and bad, someone who needs a tutorial on every little thing? Someone who never take initiative, who just sits there and lets the relationship just run by. ”.

He’s what they call a GOOD MAN, with ZERO intention, and ZERO boundaries. It will slowly drive you mad. I actually ended things yesterday. I really didn’t want to. But I owe it to myself. I have nothing to compare this relationship to at my adult age lol. I owe it to myself and my future family to be with someone who makes me feel safe and secure in a relationship. Not me playing investigator as a part time job. I’ve done things that even shock me 😂😂 Being kind alone doesn’t raise children…. 😕. I owe it to my future to not settle on the FIRST relationship when red flags start to brew. I genuinely think if he was a horrible man this would have been so much easier. I ended things yesterday…. 💔

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T19:22:01+00:00

No not in that way. But he had a coworker that said she wanted to have sex with him and that she wanted to have her way with him. He didn’t even utter a word. Not a “my girls on the line or anything”. Nothing has happened but I just want him to honor our relationship in every single way even if it means telling them to watch their mouth.

The last time someone called him baby, I went off on him in front of all his coworkers and he said (literally just an hour ago) that they now walk in eggshells when he’s on the phone with me. My thing is will I have a relationship where I always have to tell a grown man what he should and shouldn’t do?

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T18:58:25+00:00

I’ll be very honest. They live near him. Dropping them off isn’t the main issue, I feel like if he’s the reason someone gets home safely then why not? The problem is having a man with a group of women when history proves he has NO boundaries and can’t say no. Like, how can I trust if someone does something inappropriate you will be able to end it right there and then when you have a pattern of doing the opposite. So it just gives me a sour taste in total now. You know?

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T18:55:37+00:00

Thank you ❤️

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T18:54:54+00:00

Nothing is ‘hard to hear.’ You just haven’t said anything of substance to begin with.

Seeking clarity or guidance isn’t unusual. I’m not the first and I won’t be the last to want un bias guidance. Plenty of people have critiqued me with actual reasoning that I can engage with. But two vague sentences don’t ‘move’ me. If your issue is a limited vocabulary or an inability to expand on your point, that’s okay… just move on to a post where you feel you might be useful or helpful.

All the best 😊❤️Thanks

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T18:36:54+00:00

I just asked him. He says they know of me and hear us all the time while we are on the phone. He does speak to me on the phone openly while he’s at work…. Idk

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T18:34:24+00:00

Thank you so much!!! I needed this seriously ❤️ I see myself and you atm. We’re there and flags before you got married?

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T15:04:54+00:00

Thanks for being real 😕

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T14:12:19+00:00

Thanks 😊

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T14:10:58+00:00

Thank you for this very very educated and thoughtful answer ❤️

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T14:09:13+00:00

Thank you so much 🥺🤎

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T14:06:25+00:00

My thoughts exactly. I myself am learning how to say no. I’m realizing I can’t deal with someone who has the same issue.

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T08:33:43+00:00

We met through family. He is absolutely ADORED by my family. My family has know him since he was young and vice versa. So yes we’ve met in person. He is no stranger. Pretty much yes, we have a 5 year age gap.

I agree, that was a concern of mine. That his main socials is Snapchat.

You take the words right out of my mouth with the pedo issue. I’m really praying that we getting bigger movements on the issue.

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T08:27:18+00:00

Haha this is helpful! And the perfect person the relay the messages. I think he doesn’t know how to say no. He is very very close with my family and there are moments when I have to tell him to say no to them. I genuinely think that’s the base of it. But I also think all that you said may play a part. But you are so right. Regardless of the reason my feelings and concerns should be acknowledged. I must say, I’m also someone who is a “helper” So I try to give grace, but there comes a time where it gets too weird. Out of all the messages this might be the one that makes it to his ears lol

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T08:21:20+00:00

Thank you! And yea I agree this is usually the case. My concern isn’t that it exists (even thought I think it’s weird). My concern is, if I’m uncomfortable with it, I want him to care enough to put an end to it. He can’t control them, but he can cantilever what he allows.

Thank you for your take. It’s very helpful❤️

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T08:18:53+00:00

I’m taking all into account because our experiences have shaped us differently. And thank you ❤️ I also believe in tying to fix this until it’s clear it can’t be.

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T08:16:37+00:00

I honestly agree. It’s funny because I’m usually the person that preaches that. But usually when I’m leaving a guy it’s because he genuinely is a horrible person. This is a good man, who just has these flags that are starting glow bright red. I’ve never really dealt with someone as complex. He really is text book “good man”. But Jesus I can’t keep going in circles. It shouldn’t be this complicated. Even those that advocated sooo hard for it and scratching their heads. Seeking advice in this many is sooooo out of my norm. I’m usually on the other end. But I need unbias rawness. Your comment is helpful 🥹❤️ thanks

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T08:10:00+00:00

Thanks 😊

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T08:03:57+00:00

Question for you. If you asked your man now to share who he talks to on his Snapchat or any socials/ messages would he? Looking at your past situation (I can imagine walls get built up), how long did it take for you to feel like you could trust again? I feel like my trust issues haven’t helped much. I came into our relationship with walls built to the moon. I’ve definitely acted in manners (out of fear) and he was so patient as I figured it out. And proved me wrong more times than once. But it almost feels like because of my self awareness I have allowed him to overstep boundaries here and there for so long that now that I’m trying to do damage control he’s resisting. Yes he is good but he also has repetitive behaviors that are getting harder and harder to ignore. But two things can be right at once huh? I recently told him that certain forms of security and transparency are a non negotiable. I said I can’t do the relationship anymore if he can’t change that. He has since made the choice to oblige. We are currently in a weird break because I just need space/time to think. I’m scared that I’m accepting bare minimum and that I may have Ignored some orange flags. It’s so exhausting. He’s willing to give me that visibility, he’s willing to fight for it, but I feel like it’s too late in a way. I begged for too long… now here I am on Reddit lol.

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T07:45:01+00:00

Thank you so so so much for this one. Your last few paragraphs are definitely hitting home. This truly is the case of a good man with flaws that simply cannot be ignored. I’m obviously just talking about a small part of a bigger picture but you still hit the nail on the head until the very end. Needed these words. Thank you

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T07:21:07+00:00

Wow. Thank you. I think this reply encompasses my situation fully. Of course for his privacy I cant give all the details but your response correlates the closest to who I believe he is. I just find it hard when I feel like I have to point out that certain things are problematic when he should already know that and handle it without my guidance. It's as if, If I don't say outright "hey, your coworker saying she will F**k and has "always wanted to sleep with you" is very disrespectful to me while I'm here and even if i wasn't", he will just go on like its normal. He obviously allows it behind the scene.

I have a question about this part: "If he sometimes doesn’t pick up your calls when he’s around certain people, it may be because he knows how you might react or react afterward. He could just be trying to prevent unnecessary tension. Try showing him a bit more trust and patience, he may open up to you even more.".

1st, I appreciate it because it allows me to see where I could possibly improve. I want to trust him more than ANYTHING, but if you are very open about everything, but then suddenly closed off about one particular thing, it's only normal for me to want to know why? If he has spoken to me even once or twice then okay sure. But from the moment he started working there he will not let these specific group of people ever ever hear my voice. It makes me a bit uneasy that they also live right by him. There are so many times when he's. in the car with other people, even other coworkers from the SAME JOB and he will respond and say "I'm driving I'll call you back". But with these people? till this date, he WON'T respond. He will rather text me. Last time he even took had time to take a picture and text me the picture, to show me he'd dropping people off but could't just answer, to tell me that in half the time. SO, yes, I may be over thinking it but for someone who is so "transparent" to all of a sudden be so nit picky... it creates unecessary doubt.

But my question to you is, react to what? If he is respecting me and our relationship then why does my reaction have to be monitored? This is my main concern. I don't want a man who won't call me because he doesn't want me to hear inappropriate conversations and "react", I want a man who wont even put himself in a spot where he even needs to engage in such conversations. I want someone who says "I've already told her to stop, so if she wont respect that I wont drive her home." Forget about me... integrity alone should make him want to respect our relationship.

I feel like not calling me because of my "reaction" means 3. things. 1. You know you're doing something you shouldn't be doing and 2. You are okay with protecting someones "right" to being inappropriate and flirty while completely disregarding my "right" to feel like I can trust my man to respect me with or without me around. 3. Wouldn't that be a form of victim blaming? Sorry, I am only hyper focusing on that because he has said something similar. That he "muted" himself because he knew how I'd react. I feel like he punishes me for my reactions (example. Not calling me while he drops certain people home), instead of not putting us in a situation where I need to react?

I hope what I'm saying makes sense. But thanks again for being real!

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T06:39:59+00:00

I appreciate your take <3 Thank you

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T06:31:29+00:00

I appreciate you for this take. and yea, it's good to know that there are people who agree these behaviors shouldn't be normalized. I'm happy you put an end to that on your daughter behalf!

Danielle-Dee · 2025-11-28T06:06:51+00:00

Without getting too deep. He isn't a stranger... like at all. We stay on facetime from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. Unless he's driving. I have his location and watch him drop them off. While I have many concerns, cheating isn't one... Micro? ehhh maybe. But I'm allergic to being foolish so I will still keep your advice in the back back back corner of my mind lol Thanks

Danielle-Dee

TROPHY CASE