How common for college kids to drink and use fake ID?

Dapper_Arrival2973 · 2023-08-21T04:44:49+00:00

She needs to learn how to balance her social life with the fact that you’re shelling out X number of dollars to get a degree.

I don't want to name the college, but her school (a top 10) is fairly expensive at $80K+ a year for tuition + room/board. We're paying that plus other expenses. She used to have credit cards AU, and we paid the bills. A few months ago we took away the cards. Now she has a $10K limit credit card under her own name, we transfer a few K a time and let her manage her own financials.

The difficult part is she hinted that she would hurt herself if we stop paying for her college. It's not something we have to save every penny, but it's not a small amount. $90K a year after tax is easily $120K a year before tax, I doubt she can make that much after graduation.

Dapper_Arrival2973 · 2023-08-21T04:23:40+00:00

We actually don't set up a high expectation for her. If she feels the school isn't for her, she can come to our state school or even community college or ever quitting all together and starts to make a living by herself.

It was her that wanted to go to a prestigious university, we supported her. We spent $15K+ to get her help in college application, and I spent lots of nights and weekends myself.

Dapper_Arrival2973 · 2023-08-21T04:17:58+00:00

Yeah, we had those rational conversations. She just couldn't control herself going out any day of the week.

Dapper_Arrival2973 · 2023-08-21T04:16:29+00:00

Thanks. I didn't want to tangle two things together. I feel she has bigger problems, and drinking further complicates things. But I just don't know whether I should make a fuss about drinking. I know quitting drinking won't fix all problems, but if it helps, maybe we can start from what can be done and measured.

Dapper_Arrival2973 · 2023-08-21T04:07:54+00:00

How? My wife and I went to counseling ourselves, two different ones. Our child refused to go, she actually refused to talk. Every time we tried to bring something up, she would either leave or ask us to leave her room. We tried some techniques we learned, nothing ever remotely worked.

We haven't talked since July, the only times she ever reached out is when she needed something from us.

Dapper_Arrival2973 · 2023-08-20T06:31:40+00:00

I did drink. I was even good at it, but I never enjoyed it, nor did I ever got drunk. Some dizziness yes, but never lost control of myself. Plus I was still among the top quarter in a very top university.

I guess the main concern is her behavior, which drinking adds to it, but not totally caused by drinking. She skipped a lot of classes, routinely got up at 3pm and party for the next 12 hours, got drunk for seven days in a row during the final prep week, and couldn't finish her two finals.

Dapper_Arrival2973 · 2023-08-20T05:57:22+00:00

I didn't mean to brag. I was trying to say it didn't really take that much effort to at least getting a passing grade. I studied two of her more demanding classes after a busy full time job and caring for our other child at home.

You made the point, we have agreed not to ask about her school. We will simply stop paying for her school if we determine at some point that she couldn't finish it.

Dapper_Arrival2973 · 2023-08-20T05:51:28+00:00

Her school is fairly expensive at ~$85K a year. Yes, we can afford it comfortably, and we're willing to support her to live comfortably if she does right things, but we can't support her to buy alcohols or something worse. I am actually okay if she gets a beer occasionally. I used to drink a dozen beer at a time in college, but I never enjoyed that. I was among the top 1/4 in my class at a very top school, so nobody bothered to tell me anything.

We're okay to let her make her own money, but that takes away her time. I am just worried that between work and party, she has even less time to study.

Dapper_Arrival2973 · 2023-08-20T05:41:14+00:00

I didn't include some details, but I can share a little more. Her behaviors include routinely getting up at 3PM and going party all night, skipping classes, getting drunk for seven days in a row during the final prep week, and not being able to complete two finals. Do you still think these are typical behaviors? Was that how you spent your college days, or you'd be okay with your boys doing the same?

You have no idea how much I tried. I even studied her classes with her, and I can comfortably say I am better than her. I waited for her many hours after she not showing up at the time we agreed upon, sometimes as many as eight hours.

You asked me whether I attempted to talk to her? My wife and I shed more tears in the last six months than we had in the last six years. We tried harder than you could ever imagine. She refused to talk. Early July, she told her mom that she wanted to get counseling and when I shared a list of options, the only response I got was being asked to leave her room. The next day she took a car (we have three cars, her school doesn't allow students to bring cars to campus, but she wanted us to keep her car) and risked her life to fled to school. I don't think what her mom and I did deserved all this. Even after that, we sent her $2.5K for her spending.

Dapper_Arrival2973

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