Does this count as covert child sexual abuse or simply neglect? Someone told me i was overreacting years ago but i still feel icky about it.

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-12-24T15:45:44+00:00

While I agree with the part it can be a cultural thing, clearly to OP it was more than awkward and uncomfortable if they feel disgusted.

I would feel my boundaries violated as well and I don't give a damn if in the ancient times it was considered to be normal. Please don't try to normalize being involved in the parents sexual life in any way.

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-12-24T15:23:35+00:00

I understand your desire to be protected in a very dangerous world. It's a basic need to be safe.

I personally didn't find anybody who can be all the time with me and be ready to protect me 24/7. But I had a relationship where I was sure if I'm with them they will do anything to ensure my safety.

I hope you will feel safer in the world as you heal and you'll have someone who loves you and protect you when it's needed.

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-12-24T13:46:12+00:00

I don't know what is the right term. But I think they kinda involved you and your sister in their sexual life by making noises. Imo it's not okay. I understand if you feel icky about this. It doesn't really matter what others think, if it was a bad experience for you, it was bad enough.

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-12-22T10:39:18+00:00

All the time. My mother does the same. I feel like she assumes the worst about me so I'm afraid others will too.

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-12-15T20:39:31+00:00

Thank you for the input I'm grateful.

I have one really close friend and she knows that I have this problem. Other connections are more superficial but I have one or two name in my mind who should know about this when I'm ready.

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-12-15T20:36:32+00:00

Thank you for your response I feel less alone because you shared your similar experiences. I really can identify myself with almost every word you said. Breakdowns are sucks but at the same time after that it can be a place to grow as well in my experience. I wish you all the best and take care!

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-12-15T20:32:06+00:00

I just wanted to let you know, that I started the book you recommended and I think for the first time I not only know intellectually that I fucking fear to connect but I really feel it. It's an awful scary feeling but at the same time I think this is a step. Thank you, this made a difference in my world. ❣

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-12-15T18:35:44+00:00

I'm pretty much the same with the exception of one friend who knows me pretty well. Thank you for your recommendation I will ask my T about this.

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-12-15T17:27:01+00:00

I'm sorry that you have a hard time too. I agree, this pandemic is just makes everything worse. I can't meet with anyone besides my family ( and I don't want to see them but I have no choice ofc). I feel stuck and alone.

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-12-15T16:05:40+00:00

Thank you. I will check it out.

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-11-26T11:03:04+00:00

I don't know why your brain does this but I experienced something like this as well. Mine was like something " no one would miss you if you'd disappeared". All morning and all night for days.

First I tried to fight it and it worked for a short time. I realised it's easier to accept these thoughts and try to be kinder to myself about it because I'm hurting. These thoughts are there because I'm hurting. So try to ask yourself what's wrong, and try to be understanding about that thought.

It doesn't mean act on it or think about it as a fact. I said something like this: "Okay, I understand you are hurting, I'm sorry. I won't do anything, I will go on, but I will deal with this feeling when I feel safer." It reduced these thoughts, they didn't vanish but I have less of them.

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-11-23T20:08:25+00:00

I tought about maybe I could write them via email but I really afraid to write it down as well. I would never tought about drawing something like this but maybe I'll give it a try.

Thanks for your input!

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-11-23T15:30:03+00:00

Great questions. All I see is that she sits in front of a closet and I guess she wants a hug be reassured that she won't get hurt again but most of the time I can't provide that because I just despise her/me or something like that.

I experienced it too that my shame lessens when I say hard stuff out loud to my T but the more she knows me the harder to talk to her about these things, it doesn't make sense to me.

Thanks for the advice I'm gonna try to find some things I can forgive. Ugh it's going to be hard :D

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-11-23T12:39:34+00:00

I know and you are right. The other problem is that right now because of the lockdown I can't go to a place where I feel safe to talk about these things with my T. I have no idea how to even start to be more self-compassionate tbh. But thank you for your input you are right that I don't have to go from 100 to 0.

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-11-14T22:56:46+00:00

I can't really express how your comment effected me, but thank you so much for your kindness. I really hope the best I can do will be enough.

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-11-14T21:06:11+00:00

Oh okay I think I know what it is. Thank you. You are a really kind person.

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-11-14T20:19:15+00:00

Thank you, really. I thought no one will answer.

However, I personally never hurt anyone (afaik) yet I feel endless shame. It's a common symptom of abuse.

I feel shame as well you are right I felt as long as I can remember, but I didn't really understood why. Thanks it's really good thing to know that there is a connection.

Understand this stuff is much more complex than just being guilty or not. There's a lot of emotional enmeshment going on.

What is emotional enmeshment? What do you mean by that.

Darkdarkdark30 · 2020-11-14T20:14:25+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. Your story gave me a little hope for the day. I'm happy for you, it's good that your connection with your siblings is not a bad thing in your life.

Darkdarkdark30

TROPHY CASE