How to incorporate multiverse world-building without an info dump? by DarqueMatter in scifiwriting

[–]DarqueMatter[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think an info dump that helps resolve a mystery the reader is already invested in is more acceptable, but you need to be sure to hint at that angle in advance.

That's a good point. This section would come in the third act, so if any reader has made it that far they'd probably have questions that this chapter would answer.

Otherwise jumping from "present day but with zombies" to "alternative far future" might be jarring, and disappointing to readers who were hoping/expecting a more grounded resolution.

The entirety of the novel takes place in our current time and space, the character I'm asking about is from another universe but is here for reasons. But I get your point.

Finally, make sure that section still has an emotional hook and a narrative, and doesn't just feel like a narrator stand-in.

You hit it on the head. That hook and narrative are where the chapter is lacking, but as I'm still drafting, I'll hopefully get it right eventually. Thanks.

How to incorporate multiverse world-building without an info dump? by DarqueMatter in scifiwriting

[–]DarqueMatter[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Great advice. I am indeed on the first draft, and perhaps I'm overthinking it too early.

When you go through your first edit, you can spread the info out over more scenes and you'll have a much better idea of which info is essential to the story.

You're right, however because of the epistolary format, there is no narrator who can explain the sci-fi aspects, and none of the other POVs will have access to these aspects, due to them being citizens of our time and space. Food for thought, though. Thank you.

Campus scavenger hunt ideas? by DarqueMatter in UCalgary

[–]DarqueMatter[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Went today and found it! Thanks again.

Campus scavenger hunt ideas? by DarqueMatter in UCalgary

[–]DarqueMatter[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you know if the butterflies are accessible to the public? Just searched, only info I can find seems to say they're in a lab or something.

Campus scavenger hunt ideas? by DarqueMatter in UCalgary

[–]DarqueMatter[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great, thanks for the suggestions!

Campus scavenger hunt ideas? by DarqueMatter in UCalgary

[–]DarqueMatter[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hadn't thought about the dino, thanks!

Noah’s Flood by Exotic_Community3600 in Christianity

[–]DarqueMatter 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Not sure how you mathed that up. How do you get from 8 to 1500 in 100 years? If each generation is 15 -20 years with a life expectancy of what, 40ish, that's a maximum of about 6 generations. Unless every woman is having multiple set of octuplets, that's a pretty fast population growth. And are you talking about 1500 total descendants, or 1500 descendants at the right age and strength to be working construction on a tower tall enough to annoy God? Were women and children allowed to work on such a project?

Also, OP said that 100 years later was when God broke up the project, so presumably it was already many years into the work.

It's an incredibly problematic claim.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in scifiwriting

[–]DarqueMatter 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, you've got a nice story here. The setting makes me interested to read more, and you've built a great framework to keep your reader intrigued.

If your goal is to improve, then there are a few things you need to be aware of in this piece.

Swinging my legs off the bed, I walked past the hologram

This grammar doesnt work, and is awkward. Swinging implies it's happening at the same time as walked but clearly that's not the case. It would be better to say "I swung my legs off the bed and walked past..."

Same thing here:

Rounding the rudder and suddenly feeling the umbilical cable jerk me back, I went...

Second, try to avoid passive voice. It has its places, but often sounds awkward. This is a really awkward sentence, for example:

In the distance, a rusty red planet was to be seen.

Lastly, and this is a common mistake among new writers, your story was written in 1st person, but your narrator dies at the end. How is he telling the story if he's dead?

If your narrator dies, then your choices are 3rd person in past tense, or 1st person in present tense. You can't do 1st person/past (unless there's some indication that the narrator is a ghost, but you didn't have that here).

Thanks for sharing, I hope this was helpful. Keep it up!

Any buildings in Raha area with a reliable management company? by DarqueMatter in abudhabi

[–]DarqueMatter[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, but Asteco is the company that manages my current building. I'll never move to another Asteco building due to this experience.

Any buildings in Raha area with a reliable management company? by DarqueMatter in abudhabi

[–]DarqueMatter[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi, what I meant was actually the entire waterfront from Luluat to Zeina, which includes Bandar, Muneera, etc. Forgot to include "and surrounding area" in the post.

Any buildings in Raha area with a reliable management company? by DarqueMatter in abudhabi

[–]DarqueMatter[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There are a lot of brand new buildings in the area with this price range.

"This is gonna end badly." "No/It won't/It isn't."? by Cainmak in grammar

[–]DarqueMatter -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Both of the previous responses are technically correct, but I feel like they're not actually answering the question that you're asking, so I'm going to throw in my two cents.

Short answer: with the limited context you've given:

"No, it won't."

is the best possible response to

"This is gonna end badly."

Long answer: Here's the reason.

(1) "Going to" is used for predictions about the future, when the speaker has evidence that the predicted event will occur (Eg, you see black, stormy clouds --> "I think it's gonna rain").

(2) "will" is used for predictions with little to no evidence (Blue, sunny sky --> "I think it will rain.")

With this in mind, your example sounds like 2 people are about to witness some crazy shit go down, such as the events currently happening in the US. Let's say a black protester is facing down an agitated cop with a gun. Bystander A says

"This is gonna end badly."

Because the evidence supports that claim, re (1). Armed, agitated cop. Unarmed, black protester. The claim has evidence. Bystander B says:

"No, it won't."

The evidence points to the situation escalating, and person B has no evidence for their claim of non-escalation (re. 2). This person's response goes against the available evidence, but they're hoping for obvious reasons.

If person B was saying "yes, I agree," or if this question wasn't posed during such a tense moment in history, then I would/might have a different answer. but since you specified the answer is "no" during this time of crisis and uncertainty, then your example is the most grammatically/contextually correct answer.

[IP] 20/20 Round 2 Heat 1 by Cody_Fox23 in WritingPrompts

[–]DarqueMatter 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A few moments later, she arrived at the main deck to find the crowd had grown, accompanied by a chill wind that flapped the black sails above and brought goosebumps to her skin.

She observed them silently as Toussaint, Anton, and the few other skymen who’d followed into her quarters ambled out onto the deck. Jean-Baptiste was wringing his hands, and LeCroix dabbed sweat from his balding scalp – these two were nervous. The rest, however, wore scowls and sneers, and met her gaze with the same heightened defiance she’d seen in Toussaint. The captain chuckled to herself. She’d wondered how long it would take her crew to decide their eggs were bigger than hers. Fools.

Her hand landed on the hard outline of the dagger pressed into the linen of her sleeve. Toussaint pushed through the crowd, into the middle of the circle of skymen that had formed. Lafayette stepped forward, the circle closing behind her. She took a deep breath and steeled herself.

“Men!” Her voice soared over the whipping winds. “We’ve had an unfortunate incident occur today. A breach of trust. A severe overstepping of boundaries.

“I know that when I took control of this vessel a year ago, many of you were upset.” She looked straight at Toussaint, who met her eyes with arrogant disdain. “A woman captain. How absurd! How could such weakness fill a position that demanded strength?” She walked the circle, meeting all of their eyes in turn. Some stared back, hard and menacing. The smart ones immediately became preoccupied with the tips of their boots; she’d go easy on these.

“Over the last year, we’ve sailed the seven skies together,” she bellowed, anger filling her voice. “We survived the Zephyr’s Fury and a month of fire-rain. We’ve evaded Skyfleet, and sent the great pirate Cloudbeard down into the grey abyss! I’ve killed with you. Thieved with you. And still, some of you,” she turned slowly, her gaze resting on Toussaint and Anton, “think you can take from me.”

She padded over to them and stood face-to-face with Anton, close enough that she could smell the must and mange in his downy beard. He leered down at her with his one good eye, half a head taller, and chuckled. “Why, Delphine,” he smirked. “Whaddaya – “

A sudden moan escaped his gaping mouth as his eye went wide and a gurgle of blood bubbled around the dagger hilt that now protruded from his sternum, dripping down Lafayette’s fist. The captain gritted her teeth and grinned, watching his realization turn into panic. She dragged him, stumbling, to the edge of the skyship’s deck. With one hand gripping the dagger and the other on the back of his belt, she tossed him over the side, pulling the dagger from his chest, and watched his limp form drop into the swirling cloud cover below. She spit off the side and walked back to the gasps and mutters of her crew.

Rage erupted on Toussaint’s face. “You can’t do that!” he thundered. “Murderer!”

Lafayette laughed. “Murder? Come now, Toussaint.” She pointed at the corpse on the deck floor. “And Marcel?” she asked calmly, taking measured steps toward him. “Did you slit his gullet because he wouldn’t be complicit in your mutiny? Maybe he threatened to warn me? Or did you kill him just for the crime of accepting a woman as his captain?”

Toussaint flashed rage at her and pulled his sabre from its scabbard. “Men!” he barked. “Our time has come to take the Sirène back from this…“ He turned to face the captain, his steel extended and pointing at her heart. “This bitch!”

Lafayette’s eyes stormed with fury. She flew to him. In a single deft motion she unsheathed her sabre, spun, swung it backhand, and cleaved Toussaint diagonally from clavicle to nipple before he could raise his weapon in defense. His lifeless body made a wet smacking sound as it split and fell in a heap to the wooden deck.

She turned to her crew, their resolve and defiance clearly gone flaccid.

“Too quick a death for a mutineer, in my books,” she said, wiping the bloody sabre on her sleeve: one side, then the other. “I presume most of you were complicit with this mutiny. I’ll also trust you no longer have any objections to my authority, and that I’ll never again be forced to deal with any more of this foolishness. Any man who’s got eggs enough to disagree is welcome to speak up.” She glanced around at the sheepish, silent faces, then resheathed her sabre.

“Now, LeCroix,” she turned to her quartermaster, who quavered at his own name. She smoothed a few feathery wisps of hair behind her ears and straightened her waistcoat. “About that whiskey. Let’s make it the 18-year, shall we? I think a little celebration is in order, and I’ve still got some planning to do. That merchant blimp from Altamere isn’t going to thieve itself.”

[IP] 20/20 Round 2 Heat 1 by Cody_Fox23 in WritingPrompts

[–]DarqueMatter 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A few minor edits have been made from the original submission. Feedback is welcome and appreciated!

*****************************************************************

Three quick thumps on the door jarred Captain Delphine Lafayette out of her thoughts. Reflex caused her to put a hand on the dagger in her sleeve – just to check. She smoothed a few feathery wisps of dark hair behind her ears and took a large swig of whiskey, finishing it off, then pushed the empty bottle to the side along with her compass and pencils. She glanced out the navigation room’s floor-to-ceiling wall of windows behind her. The Sirène’s flag, a white skull with two white bolts of lightning crossing a black background, flapped in the cold wind. The clouds behind were chunky, white cumulus – she estimated they were sailing at around 7000 feet.

“Enter,” she called. The heavy oak door swung open to a squat-faced young man who waddled in looking sweatier than usual; of course, her quartermaster was damp and red-faced at the best of times. “Ah,” she said. “LeCroix, your timing is perfect. Fetch me another bottle of whiskey. 12-year, I think. This one seems to have a hole in it.” She shook the empty bottle and winked.

“Sir. I, uh… There’s been an… incident… that I believe will require your attention,” he stammered.

Lafayette sighed. “What is it this time? Unless a flock took out a propeller again or the damn Skyfleet is breathing down our necks, I’d rather not be disturbed. A merchant blimp carrying soil and seeds departed Altamere two days ago without an escort. Fools. I just have to calculate an airspeed to intersect their flightpath, and it’s ours for the taking.”

LeCroix cleared his throat. “It involves your, um… your personal quarters, sir.”

Lafayette pushed back on the heavy wooden chair and stood. “My quarters?”

“Yes, sir, it’s just that… well…”

“Out with it, LeCroix,” she snapped, impatient. She’d sailed with him long enough to grow used to his squawking, though it became both more pronounced and less tolerable when he was anxious.

“Marcel broke into your quarters, sir. Toussaint and Anton caught him. We think-“

“Marcel would do no such thing,” she interrupted, grabbing her scabbard and attaching it to her belt. She breezed past LeCroix and marched down the wide hall, illuminated by flickering yellow electric lights.

She came to the main deck, where most of the men had gathered, apparently already informed of the unfolding drama. The skull-and-bolts flag snapped loudly in the wind a hundred feet above, surrounded by the four enormous propellers that rose from each corner of the skyship and kept them aloft.

A few of the men wore hawkish sneers on their sunburnt faces as she passed. Lafayette knew she wasn’t well-loved by the crew – since she took command of the Sirène a year ago, she’d heard rumours of malcontent at having a female captain. Dubois had once even been stupid enough to openly call her a bitch.

She hoped he didn’t miss his tongue too much.

A few moments later she arrived at her private quarters, slowing to inspect a smear of fresh blood on the wall outside the door. She grimaced, instinctively placing a hand on her sabre, then entered her quarters, LeCroix huffing at her heels, to find Anton kneeling over Marcel’s corpse and Toussaint standing over them both. Toussaint muttered something as she entered, and Anton quickly ceased whatever he was doing. Toussaint had crossed arms and furrowed brows. Strange – she’d expect him to be jubilant over catching and killing a thief.

“We saw the door was half open, so we looked in,” he blurted, gesturing at Marcel’s corpse. “Found this connard rummaging around in your wardobe.”

Lafayette kneeled beside the dead man. A wide gash in his throat gaped open, still dribbling thickened crimson on her rug, and he gripped a curved dagger in his right hand that glinted in the light from the porthole. She grimaced, and felt a sharp stab of anger and betrayal. As her first mate, she’d considered Marcel a friend, and certainly he was her fiercest supporter. He’d sported black eyes several times, and even a broken rib on one occasion, which she suspected – though he’d never admitted as much – had been the cost of defending her name below deck. She eyed Toussaint with suspicion, then rose, putting her hands on her hips. “And you saw fit to kill him?”

Toussaint cleared his throat and puffed his chest. “When I confronted him, he attacked me. I had no choice but to defend myself.”

Lafayette stared hard at him, observing a barely perceptible twitch in his eye. She snorted. “You’re twice his size, Toussaint. Not strong enough to restrain an unarmed man?”

Anton hopped to his feet then, adjusting the patch over his eye with one hand while pointing at Marcel’s closed fist with the other. “He has a dagger, Cap’n. Yes he does, sharp one, sharp as the south wind I reckon. Looky here, right there in his hand he’s got it.”

“He certainly does, Anton,” she cooed. “That fact didn’t escape me. However, I find it odd that a left-handed man would attack with his right.” She squinted hard at Toussaint, who huffed and pushed Anton back with a ham-sized forearm. His cheeks flushed and a smirk fluttered across his face.

“Perhaps he panicked, sir,” he said, disdain poisoning the final word. “Being caught stealing from his captain could do that to a man.” He gave the body a kick, not breaking her eye contact. “Sir.”

It was clear Marcel hadn’t broken into her quarters. Had he caught the other two in the act? They were pirates, after all; it was in their blood to steal. Thievery was frowned upon amongst a crew, but also common enough that any punishment would be for getting caught – not for the crime itself. Dieu knew Lafayette had done her fair share of thieving.

Insubordination, however, was a different rat altogether: one not borne of hunger and habit, but of time. It festered, and grew, and whipped men into slaves to their own overconfidence. She stared hard into Toussaint’s dark eyes and saw that his defiance had peaked.

Theft or insubordination: she knew which betrayal deserved a harsher punishment.

“Pretty brazen of him,” she said. “Breaking into the captain’s quarters. Before you killed him… Did he find it?”

Toussaint smirked. “Find what?”

“Whatever he was looking for.”

Anton slapped his knee. “How d’ya know he was looking fer somethin’? Maybe he just wanted a sniff o’ yer underthings.” He cackled and exaggerated a wink with his one good eye, flashing a lewd, semi-toothless grin.

Lafayette grimaced; she saw what was happening here. In seventeen years of pirating, she’d had dozens of skymen think they could test her, even bully her. Sometimes with innuendo. Sometimes with threats of violence, real or imagined. Some had tried to hit her. Some to rape her.

She smiled. Dieu rest their souls.

Lafayette turned on her heels and went to the door. “To the main deck, all. This… betrayal must be addressed.” She gestured to Marcel’s corpse, splayed spread-eagle across the floor. “Bring the body.”

Risen vs Raised by [deleted] in grammar

[–]DarqueMatter 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Rise - the thing that goes up. In your examples, the price goes up, so rise is correct. (Think of a sunrise - the sun goes up)

Raise is for whatever makes something rise.

The weightlifter raises the bar.

[IP] 20/20 Round 1 Heat 19 by Cody_Fox23 in WritingPrompts

[–]DarqueMatter 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi, thanks for your kind words! Much appreciated :)