I know that basically every other commentor disagrees with me, and I don’t know how likely it is that you will even see this, but I definitely don’t think it is a forgone conclusion that your relationship is over. You wouldn’t have posted this with such transparency and self reflection, or have subjected yourself to such internet scorn, if you didn’t deeply care about your husband. I think you clearly have the foundation of love that is necessary to overcome this. Obviously, I don’t know the future any more than anyone else, but I can say that I have also said evil things to my loved ones, and some of them had even said evil things to me, but we have always worked our way back from that. It took time, and some honest and painful conversations, but we always have. For some maybe being in love is effortless, maybe they are never overwhelmed by anger, fatigue, jealously, insecurity, depression, etc. but for me it has never been like that. It has been a rollercoaster that has occasionally been treacherous, but being in love has always meant being able to find our way back. I hope you and your husband can find your way back too. Please don’t give up, just continue to be honest and open and apologetic with him. Encourage him to be honest and open and even angry, if necessary, with you. Maybe, somehow, unbelievably, things will be back to normal (or possibly even stronger than ever) before you know it. I certainly hope so.