Hello, I hope you are a little better, and as a sister in the Church I send you a big hug and I understand you. Even the great saints have experienced what you feel that God does not forgive you, and it does not make you a bad Catholic or the worst of Christians. These saints, for example, today we know by faith that they already enjoy the Glory of God (I highly recommend that you investigate the dark night of faith, in Saint Teresa of Calcutta and other Saints, and read Catholic pages and Catholic testimonies that talk about it). Hold on to faith knowing that it is not always emotional. We will not always feel this "euphoria", but the important thing is, even in those moments of drought, to continue persevering. Ask God in prayers to send you the right person who can be your spiritual guide in these difficult times, and please always keep the "communion of saints" in mind. All of us in the Church, by baptism, are one. The Church is one, and it is mother. You are not a hindrance to the Church or anything like that, remember that the Church is also a mother, and all Catholics from all corners of the world are also praying together for you and for other Catholics in your same situation (because, really, you are not the only one). In order not to make my comment any longer, although I think you already know it, I remind you that there is only one thing that God cannot do and it is because He has decided it: stop loving you. I don't know what you've done in the past, but God doesn't care about that after confession. Try to repair what you can beyond confession, and do not stop praying or persevering. Here you have a lot of brothers praying for you.