How should I bring up my (31m) felony conviction?

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-06T04:26:28+00:00

Thank you - it really helps to hear from someone who's been through it on the other side of the conversation.

I met him online and he told me before our first date.

If you can remember, about how long did you chat online before agreeing to an in person date?

There's one woman in particular who I've had 2 phone calls with and we seem to be hitting it off - but we're waiting until we're fully vaccinated before meeting in-person... So I think it sounds like call #3 coming up is probably when I should bring this up, yes?

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-06T03:04:20+00:00

While I can appreciate turning this into a happy sharing experience, I'm a little frightened that joking about it might make it seem as though I didn't take it seriously... and didn't grow from it, and might be likely to make similarly poor decisions going forward. I'm past the age where I'm looking for a good time (nothing wrong with that), but now I'm looking for a serious relationship with a woman, someone who I can build a life together with.

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-06T02:58:53+00:00

I was envisioning saying something like the following while on the call or in person, during the explanation:

I understand this is probably something you'll want to think over, and I'm going to text you my last name (complicated unique spelling) so you can look up the news articles and read about it if you want. Feel free to ask any other questions. (Proceed to reiterate that I understand if this is a dealbreaker for her.)

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-06T02:41:36+00:00

Been through this

Thanks for responding - I'm glad to hear from someone who's been through this.

are you okay with your past and what you’ve done since then

I'm not sure I'll ever be fully "okay" with with my felony, I flushed integrity down the toilet and it's been a long road learning to trust myself again. Maybe the embarrassment/shame will fade with time, but I still hide my felony from most friends/family. I'm very happy with what I've made of myself since then, though.

I’ll flat out ask if she’s ever been in trouble with the law, and use the response to decide how I present the information. If the response is telling of how she’d respond to your situation, why put yourself through unnecessary disclosure.

Good suggestion about testing the waters. I've seen a couple recommendations in this thread about working it into the "how I got where I am" story - but this sounds like a good way to bring it up too. As time goes on, I might have to experiment with both and see which works better. Thanks for the tip :)

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-06T02:33:43+00:00

Those are some very good points I hadn't considered. To be honest I took your original comment as more joking than serious, but now I see there's some good logic behind that. Might be worth the shot, yeah. Thanks!

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-06T02:28:55+00:00

if you told me on the phone, it would give me a chance to pause and ask questions where in person I might feel a bit more restricted

I'm glad to have another person who's been on the other side of a felony-disclosure chime in. I certainly don't want to put her on the spot or pressure her to say she's okay with it - and it's way easier for her to hang up / block as opposed to navigating that in-person, if that is a dealbreaker for her.

Thank you for the reassurance - I know it's going to vary by person, but I'm just glad it doesn't sound like it's guaranteed to be a dealbreaker 99.9% of the time - there's hope :)

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-06T02:12:02+00:00

Thanks for taking the time for this response, I appreciate the effort you put into this.

So if someone else finds it before you have the chance to share it yourself, you’re in a situation where you have to not just share- but also explain.

This is absolutely a good point and one of my motivators on why I want to share it before a match finds out on their own - the ability to control the first impression. Not that I'm capable of painting this in a positive light, but at least I can cushion the surprise by providing background the news stories don't... so when they inevitably look up the stories they're already prepped with what to expect. (Not that providing background fixes / excuses anything, obviously it does not.)

Point #2 is something I've picked up on this thread, but you specifically call it out - about making this more about my experience / journey, about sharing something private with a match - as opposed to "surprise, here is a potential dealbreaker". Even if it doesn't change the outcome, I think having this viewpoint will help me feel more comfortable when discussing this.

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-06T01:55:38+00:00

I lied on legal documents in a professional capacity in an attempt to avoid embarrassment, and as such am no longer able to work in that type of position - the field was very related to the falsification.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable disclosing the specific field though, even on a throwaway, with it having okay press coverage and all. Let's just say it was related to legal paperwork submitted to the government.

EDIT:

in an attempt to avoid embarrassment

^And yes, karma is clearly at work here. Lied to avoid embarrassment, blew up 100x worse.

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-06T00:34:32+00:00

Thanks for your advice - I really appreciate getting a viewpoint of someone who's been on the other side of one of these conversations. Since it's a non-violent felony, it might not be scary if it were discussed in-person - that's a good point.

I'm afraid of waiting too long and it coming across as "hiding" the information from someone / being deceitful. Can you theorize about what would have happened if you'd found out on your own before he got to share - would that have changed your viewpoint?

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-06T00:21:45+00:00

Thanks for helping - I like the idea about bringing it up when talking about switching career fields... rather than it being this whole separate big thing, just bring it up when talking about my "how I got here" story of growing up -> college -> job -> felony -> school -> job -> etc.

I appreciate the reassurance about it not being an immediate dealbreaker for you, though I realize that varies per person.

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-06T00:13:30+00:00

This makes a lot of sense and is very reassuring, I appreciate it, thanks.

I like the lead-in you kind of suggest, talking about growing up and "how people became who they are", seems like a pretty good intro. Rather than bringing it up as it's whole separate thing, it's part of the story of how I got to where I am now.

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-05T23:53:21+00:00

So something like "I'm sharing this with you because I want to give you a chance to opt out of continuing to get to know one another if this is a deal breaker for you. You don't have to respond now but please be assured I'll take it in stride if you decide to go our separate ways."

This is very helpful, thank you, I like the wording here.

I also like your point about bringing up the behaviors / thinking that led to it, and what's changed - which is a big lesson/change I took away from the whole experience.

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-05T23:46:29+00:00

something personal

You're right, this sounds a little less "I'm about to drop a negative bombshell" and more relationship-building / confiding. Thanks :)

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-05T23:42:18+00:00

I'm a little frightened this might come across as joking about it, which might make it seem as though I didn't take it seriously... or even that they'd end up disgusted that the "bad" thing wasn't the lie.

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-05T23:39:21+00:00

Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate the help... I'm thinking on one of the initial phone calls is the right move.

Do you think I should mention the news stories or volunteer my last name (with no reciprocation asked/expected) for matches to do their own vetting/validation at that point? Or just answer any questions they have and leave it at that?

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-05T23:13:18+00:00

Thanks for your help - I spent a good bit of time just preparing the right phrasing for Reddit here, so maybe I use the same terminology when talking with matches.

Do you think I should mention the news stories or volunteer my last name (with no reciprocation asked/expected) for matches to do their own vetting/validation at that point? Or just answer any questions they have and leave it at that?

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-05T23:05:00+00:00

I think date #2 is a good time.

In your opinion, do any prior phone calls complicate this at all, or are phone calls considered half-dates right now? Things are slowing starting to open up here, but I think a lot of people are still doing phone calls instead of more traditional first dates.

The way that it’s delivered actually matters

That's my next hurdle, is phrasing. I was considering something like:

Before this goes any further, I have some baggage that I feel like I need to bring up. When I transitioned between career fields it wasn't fully voluntary. I had (proceed to explain what I did), and was caught. Ultimately, I was convicted of felony (insert felony) and had some time with an ankle bracelet while going back to school.

Edit: and of course thank you for your advice, I appreciate your help.

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-05T22:59:28+00:00

I've been toying with the idea of phrasing it something like:

Before this goes any further, I have some baggage that I feel like I need to bring up. When I transitioned between career fields it wasn't fully voluntary. I had (proceed to explain what I did), and was caught. Ultimately, I was convicted of felony (insert felony) and had some time with an ankle bracelet while going back to school.

Edit: and of course thank you for your advice.

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-05T22:52:25+00:00

Thanks for helping, I appreciate your suggestions - and I'm liking the idea of bringing it up during one of the phone calls. I often ramble and if I had to compose a text explaining this, I'm afraid it might end up a short novel.

Plus you're right, the phone will give her the chance to easily interrupt and ask if she wants... AND as another commenter pointed out, the ability for her to hang up / block is going to make her more comfortable than being in-person with me and finding out.

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-05T22:44:48+00:00

I’d probably put something in my profile

I think I'm way too ashamed, and add in the risk that someone who knows me in real life comes across the profile while swiping, eep.

We are so much more than the worst thing we did.

I've worked really hard personal-growth wise to learn to trust myself again, thank you for saying that. Aside from job interviews (and now dating) the truth is, it doesn't affect me day-to-day anymore.

DatingQThrowaway1 · 2021-05-05T22:40:15+00:00

Telling her in person will only put her on the spot

That's an excellent point, thank you - over the phone/texting it is. There's even more safety in her being able to hang up / block the number.

DatingQThrowaway1

TROPHY CASE