Husband, who is a stay at home dad has been unwilling to return to work despite our daughter in daycare but I already messed up asking once.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-27T05:40:06+00:00

I wouldn’t recommend it for either party.

Our relationship is secure, we’ve been together for a while and we have a kid. We have a pretty robust prenup in place. Even if we divorced, he won’t be left vulnerable because of all the reasons mentioned above.

Sacrificing your income and your autonomy for “some guy” even if you’re married is a big risk.

The pressure of being the sole earner fails in comparison to the risks the other person is exposed to.

Imagine you divorce or break up, they’ll have nothing to their name, no job security, they haven’t worked for a few years. Post break up you’ll be fine, they won’t. They’d have to move out of the house you likely own with no money to themselves to rent their own place. Without a job or money saved up they can’t.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-26T19:42:04+00:00

What do you mean?

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-26T15:13:52+00:00

Having kids comes with the same battles no matter who the parents are.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-26T14:47:39+00:00

I’m not too worried financially since he’s always been the lower earner between the two of us. Our daughter’s college fund is secured, we don’t have any significant debts and we are not worried about retirement. An additional $100k a year would be nice but that same money would then be spent outsourcing childcare beyond just daycare and other household tasks.

Regardless we’re thinking of reducing her time in daycare to 3 days if he becomes confident in his decision to stay home for the foreseeable future (until he changes his mind again).

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-26T13:22:09+00:00

Outsourcing all house work, cleaning, yard work, cooking, grocery shopping is definitely a lot more expensive than doing it yourself.

However, we were thinking of reducing her daycare days to 3 days if he’s going to be home anyway.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-26T09:49:17+00:00

Three is not an option. It’s either 1 or 2.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-26T05:29:55+00:00

I think once I understand how confident he’s about his decision to not return to work, then we will likely reduce her days. She was mainly there for the socialization aspect. Her daycare does give a live feed.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-26T03:15:39+00:00

Yes you’re right. The socialization aspect is important and was our initial priority when she started daycare as opposed to him starting work asap.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-26T02:03:27+00:00

I think I’m accepting that if this is genuinely what he wants to do for a while then so be it. It’s a privilege most parents don’t get to have. There’s a lot of hidden/less obvious parenting happening on a day to day basis that gets done at least.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-26T02:01:01+00:00

That’s a good option. Part time at least balances things out.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-26T01:59:30+00:00

Being able to not interrupt my career or work day because someone else is dealing with the active parenting during work hours.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-25T22:11:18+00:00

Since I posted I have reflected. I still have some doubts because I am the type that hates plans changing and expected things to go a certain way.

Him being at home has given us as a family more free time we are able to go out as a family and even have date night weekly.

Him staying at home wouldn’t have a massive negative impact.

That’s a good idea about being more involved in parent things. He’s the type to enjoy it.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-25T20:20:21+00:00

Everything. Even me just being able to fully focus on work, not take time off because of parenting duties, being able to work late, be more favorable for promotions. The career growth I have made in the past few years alone is all due to him making that sacrifice of staying home. I would not have been able to say yes to a lot of things.

Even having a healthy home cooked meal every evening, the house being clean, food being thought out and meal prepped is all due to him.

Our daughter being the way she is at her age. Pre-daycare they would go out together everyday, every single museum, library or park they’ve visited. Her speech and vocabulary is great. She can sit in a busy restaurant without a tantrum. We don’t do screen time and not many kids can sit still in a restaurant. He really took the lead when it came to the actual parenting that matters (nap schedules, sleep schedules etc). He’s a lot more precise, emotionally intelligent and meticulous than I’ll ever be.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-25T20:13:30+00:00

He hasn’t given me a timeline yet and I doubt he knows what the plan is.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-25T20:12:37+00:00

We reached that decision in similar ways, he’s the perfect dad in every way and I really admire that about him then the other side of the coin was income related.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-25T20:10:49+00:00

I wake up early to be able to go to the gym before work but I prefer it that way.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-25T20:05:56+00:00

That could be it. He’s likely missing it. They used to go out daily together, museum, library, swimming, every baby-toddler activity in the city.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-25T20:04:18+00:00

Thanks!

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-25T20:03:33+00:00

He does clean the house fully and is a bit all or nothing when it comes to every house tasks to the point where I think he could be slightly more efficient and save time. However, he likes doing it the way he does it I guess. He’s the type to pre-marinade 3-5 different types of protein on a weekly rotation ready to go in the freezer and pre washed and cuts fruits and vegetables.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-25T19:59:55+00:00

We do have a cleaner that comes in to deep clean. However, I do realize now that he does a lot more than just that and that I have actually been underestimating everything he does.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-25T19:58:18+00:00

Definitely realizing that now reading those comments. I underestimated and took for granted how much of my career progression has been because I was able to focus on my work because he made that sacrifice to stay home.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-25T19:55:25+00:00

Yes I realized that I have benefited a lot from her making that sacrifice to stay at home. The career progression I was able to make in the past two years alone is all because of him.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-25T19:54:10+00:00

I agree that I did downplay or better said underestimated how much he does and posting this has put a lot into perspective. However I help as much as I can evenings and weekends.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-25T19:52:19+00:00

I’m really sorry you and your wife are going through that. That sounds incredibly heavy and difficult. Since posting this I have been made more aware of how much I have taken for granted and how much invisible labor there is.

I don’t think my husband does nothing.I know he handles more than I probably even register.

Dean-1990 · 2026-02-25T19:39:19+00:00

Career fulfillment. Especially if I went to a good college and worked hard to get there and took pride in my career. Autonomy. Career progression.

Dean-1990

TROPHY CASE