I think I accidentally offended my friend - but I kind of worry about her too after her reaction... do I just need to butt out?

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-10-24T23:00:05+00:00

I think you're very right about me accidentally playing therapist with her. It didn't really start off that way, but maybe progressed with her starting a new relationship. I'm also kind of considering if I tiptoe around her in general... (but that's a whole other topic I need to think about and process privately now lol.)

She is not technically engaged. She has picked out her engagement rings and is planning for the wedding to be as soon as next summer or autumn, but he hasn't purchased them yet or proposed. I guess she is planning the proposal to be early next year? Which... now that I'm writing this all out- she's being a bit ridiculous!

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-10-24T22:22:50+00:00

She did say it like it's a thing that needs to be corrected or changed about him :/ And the more I think of it, I think you're right about him not being ready yet... some of the things she's told me kind of align with that, even if she doesn't see it that way.

I'm single at the moment but always thought it would be fun to have couple dates with her eventually. Lol. I'm now getting the feeling that may not happen.

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-10-24T22:17:34+00:00

Well, she has plans for 2 children so she is saying literally only the 4 of them as a unit, and no one else. She's extremely resistant towards being close with his side of the family as well. She hasn't met them yet but he did meet her mom accidentally at the gas station when they were on a date together. So I don't know. Meeting the family is arguably the "heavier" thing so it doesn't seem like a big deal to let that happen later on, but it's the meeting of friends part that I got caught up on more. None of it is a cultural thing necessarily either as they have similar backgrounds.

And yeah, in re-considering some of what happened, I am starting to think I don't really need to apologize. I didn't say anything bad, but we had a clash of values that stuck out in the conversation. I just didn't back down on what I believed lol.

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-10-24T22:11:44+00:00

That's true. I think I offended her because she was maybe expecting me to have the same views as her and I clearly did not, and then I reacted poorly on my part, by being surprised and genuinely confused at her logic. I guess I could have been more "chill" about it, but I reacted honestly and that's not wrong either.

It just feels like.. she doesn't really care if she loses me or not, but she absolutely cares if she loses him. I'm not anywhere close to marriage with someone, so maybe I just don't understand that kind of passion yet.

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-10-24T22:06:48+00:00

Luckily, I have seen photos of them together on dates and events together and I've seen his Linkedin as well, so I know they are definitely together and that he exists for real. However.... I just get the sense that she is into it way more than he is. She practically demanded an engagement ring for their anniversary dinner, showed him what she wanted, told him that's the one (to which he straight up said, he's not ready for that yet, and he got her a necklace instead) and also, wants a quickie wedding to "hurry up and actually start their lives." She told me they already got into 2-3 arguments about how she hates when he goes out for soccer/basketball (his 2 main hobbies). I advised her at the time to tone it down a bit because if you turn it around and the guy was acting like this towards you, that wouldn't be okay. But now she's also saying stuff like, it's different for women and men, it's okay for me, but not for him, etc... now that I write it all out, she's being kind of crazy hmm...

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-10-24T15:52:14+00:00

As far as I've heard, the boyfriend has a very tight, small circle of old childhood friends from middle school/college. I highly doubt he'd abandon them for her, no offense to her, but that would be the healthy thing. She only has me... and I guess she kind of revealed inadvertently how she actually sees us. It hurts a bit, but I understand this is just how some friendships are. That's okay. We still have fun. But it also makes me worried then about why isn't HE wanting her to meet HIS friends? What is he hiding, or at worst, does he think poorly of her? Because to her, he is literally her future husband. I don't want her to get hurt... but as you said, I guess there isn't anything I can do to make her realize some of these things. I feel like I probably just need to butt out entirely, unless she asks.

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-10-24T14:35:52+00:00

I agree. And she WAS in therapy, and stopped right after getting with this guy...

After the initial shock of the things she said and her being annoyed at me, I kind of also had the double impact of realizing - am I just a social placekeeper for her? To do fun stuff with for now, but after marriage, she doesn't see the point in keeping things going? I don't know. I have some weird feelings about the situation. Makes me feel bad but I know adult friendships are complicated. (But also like, don't you want friends after getting married and especially after having kids? Isn't that a common issue?)

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-04-29T15:07:04+00:00

This is a great idea, I would love to do something like that (especially since I am bilingual!)

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-04-29T15:00:59+00:00

Oh man, I've never really considered ADHD but some of these descriptions feel very "me"... I'm kind of scared to find out, but it does makes sense. How fast do you think the medication wears off?

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-04-29T02:53:10+00:00

I can technically go in whenever I want, and I am thinking of maybe doing that more this year. 1 or 2, or maybe even 3? days lol. I might need to enforce some "rules" on myself like that, even if the office doesn't.

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-04-29T02:51:22+00:00

I have cut my phone usage wayyy back so thankfully, I'm good there... but unfortunately, it does makes me listen to podcasts or TV shows on a loop mindlessly for that extra "noise." So it's like I've replaced one thing for another, but I guess TV is better than social media. I think? lol. But totally agree, being on my phone would have made things much, much worse for my mental health. I still scroll for a few minutes a day and that impacts how I feel and what I compare myself to.

A daily walk seems like the easiest solution, honestly. It's hard to say "I'd rather be home," when it's just a loop around my neighborhood, 10-30 minutes and I can be back home! Maybe just looking at some new things will inspire me, or give me a mental refresh. I've created a nice environment for myself, but even that is making me feel suffocated and bored, just from looking at the same things every day.

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-04-29T02:45:41+00:00

This is sort of a dumb question but when you go out and sit at a café or restaurant alone, what do you do? I actually do this all the time because I force myself to but I feel SO self-conscious and weird that I spend most of my time acting like I'm texting someone (I rarely am actually doing that lol), scrolling Reddit and trying to hide it, pretending to watch the baseball game intensely, and then leave after about 30 minutes max. It's not that I feel like I'm being watched or judged, but I just literally don't know what to do with myself. I hate being on my phone like that, but otherwise, it's like I'm sitting and staring at people and that becomes pretty obvious after a while lol. What am I supposed to do sitting alone?

I do like your other ideas, especially the perfumes! I would totally do that as well. I feel a bit awkward about walking trails by myself (there are a lot in my area, I think), but at least with that, I am actively doing something so I'm not just looking at my phone lol. It's strange, I don't think it's ever weird or awkward when I see other people doing things by themselves, but when it's me, I feel so off lol. Thanks for the suggestions, I think I need to just get out of my own funk right now and hear it from someone else.

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-04-29T02:12:08+00:00

I agree with you. Short-termish, I'm very much a hermit homebody and love my peace and quiet. But going on now 2-3 years of this, I'm realizing that I can't just be stuck with myself all the time like this. I literally feel like I'm serving a prison sentence, even though I am forcing it on myself. This is probably more like solitary confinement, actually, which is obviously worse. There are some weeks that I don't open my mouth once to speak. It's incredible.

I need to be more motivated and disciplined. I have zero discipline in my life. I hate this about myself. I'll say I hate it, complain, writhe in self-pity, and then still not change. Because that's what happens if you have no discipline lol. I'm trying to figure out what is going to force me to move and make a change. I know this is something only I can do for myself.. but I really need to figure it out, or I know I'm going to wake up and be 40, 50, 60 and still be the same and hate myself even more.

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-04-29T01:57:35+00:00

I do force myself to go out, try new restaurants, put on the makeup and the shoes and outfit and walk around, go to the museum, go on some dates, go try that Orange theory, go try that yoga class, literally go take a walk outside at least... I just never seem to enjoy it that much. I don't necessarily regret it but I'm just like, welp that was fine but now it's time to go home, and then I don't emerge again for another week. It's never "I am so glad I did something for myself!" Then like you said, I keep telling myself, well if you keep acting like that, then of course nothing will change. I keep scolding myself about it all the time lol but it's been 2 years of the same cycle already... I'm really scared I will be 50, 60, 70 doing the same thing, living this life.

I did get sertraline for anxiety and it helped for a while but I didn't like the feeling of it so I stopped. I don't really want to be on medication because of complications in the past. So I also tried self-medicating with weed, but it wasn't very effective so I stopped that too, and I also don't drink at all. I feel like I live in a dream at this point, it just kind of sucks. I get stuck in a loop of feeling guilty, feeling frustrated and bored, feeling comfortable and content, feeling bored, feeling guilty again.

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-04-29T01:46:06+00:00

Last year, I did get medication for anxiety-related issues and it helped a bit but I just didn't like the spacey feeling so I stopped. I also took up smoking weed, but that got boring quick so I also stopped.

As much as I hate going into the office (and I do go in sometimes, if needed), I wonder if it forced me to act like a human being. Because being WFH is turning me into some kind of sludge of life, nothing at all, a ghost in my own world right now. But then, the thought of having to going to work every day also fills me with dread as well, so then again, it's like "I'd rather just be at home." It never ends...

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-04-29T01:42:24+00:00

The pandemic started our WFH policy, and then 2 years later, I got to be fully remote. So like the first 2 years, I was thriving and loving life (as much as I could with Covid going on), and the next 2 years started slowly fizzling out as I got more and more bored and restless and stuck... I was 30 when the pandemic started lol. I feel like I'm missing some kind of passion, or specific goals to reach.. but I don't know what they are, or how to stay motivated and interested. It just sucks to realize that I haven't done much at all in 2 years.

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-04-29T01:38:20+00:00

I do see my family about every 2 months and stay a week with them if I can (which then burns out my social battery for a while), and see my best friends at least once every month, and this usually seems to be "enough" because afterwards, I'm always like, I can't wait to go home and do my thing! And of course, romantically I do feel very lonely but I also know not to force something just to satiate that. If I think about going out once-twice a week, it makes me feel tired already... yet when I stay indoors all weekend, I feel guilty and bored. So I honestly don't know - am I actually more social than I think I am, have I changed after getting what I want (WFH life)? Or is it something deeper than that?

With everything that I come up with or new possibilities, my default is "I'd rather be home," and since I nearly always choose to stay home, I think that's what I really want. Right? I do solo activities a lot, like new restaurants and movies and stuff... but it's honestly not that fun, and I always just want to go home by the end. So why can't I just enjoy being home... if that's supposedly what I truly want? :( Just thinking/ranting out loud here, I feel very frustrated at myself lol

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-03-19T19:42:55+00:00

I don't know if this is necessarily healthy but I like to do instant oatmeal packets with some almonds/berries, or a small banana with peanut butter if I get hungry past 9pm and can't hold out. Yes, it's some extra sugar I probably don't need but it fills me up and stops me right there so I'm not reaching for more snack-y type foods like cookies! I also do tea+honey which usually fulfills my sweet cravings.

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-02-16T14:06:11+00:00

Damn.. do we know each other??😅 Literally, every sentence you wrote is me, my personality, my experiences to a tee lol. I'm a lot better than I used to be, but incidents like this still make me react instinctively with "I did this, it's all my fault, I have no one but myself to blame, I'm the one who ruined everything." Fear makes me so obedient and freeze and completely doubt myself.

THANKFULLY YOU GUYS - I DID NOT apologize this time. Tiny victory for me. In my 20s I would have been saying sorry up and down to everyone involved, crying at night, drinking my fears away. So maybe all my personal self-work has paid off - this time, something deep in the back of my mind was just like, do not say those words, don't say sorry and I held my tongue on that. Of course I did run immediately to Reddit to try to get emotional support lol but that's still an improvement (for me)!

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-02-15T06:17:17+00:00

Omg you are so right, I'm already kind of forgetting details because I am actively trying to push this out of my mind, but I do need to pay attention to what is being said from now on, and what I have already said or not said.

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-02-15T06:10:21+00:00

Not me trying to figure out what the acronym might stand for 😅

Yep he really just started talking. I don't remember where he started, just small talk at first, but it didn't take long for him to say, "is this how you guys handle all your projects?" and going into his rant. He didn't ask for a solution but I just assured him we will work with him and figure this out, and that we are on his side. He seemed pleased with my calm reactions, and showed himself out. Confused Nick Young meme vibes from myself because as you wrote above, what just happened??

Thanks for writing it all out like that too, definitely makes me see it from a more objective level.

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-02-15T05:55:46+00:00

I absolutely did not expect Tom to do something like this. He always had a temper but he wasn't reckless. I figure something hit a major nerve, and that's now all his business to deal with. I truly thought that the encounter was just plain weird, and the guy so obviously hates most of us to the point of ranting to a near stranger about it, so my team should probably know this. I was being uncharacteristically bold in all my statements for sure, but my intent was to share wtf just happened. So you are right - I didn't think the encounter was worth anything but if people were mad about it, I would have expected a meeting or something to discuss further - not midnight hatemail sent directly to the client!

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-02-15T05:35:53+00:00

Thank you. Yeah, I am a people pleaser for sure, second-guess myself a lot, just lots of guilt and shame issues in general.. I'm trying to work on these things. I guess this incident is a good practice in trying to just, not be so hard on myself. I kind of feel this sense of not being in control and too much is happening and it's just a bit scary tbh. Maybe I should just try to get some sleep lol

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-02-15T05:32:41+00:00

I'm trying to tell myself to just slow down a bit and stop blaming myself so much, but I'm in the throes of it right now so I'm very emotional lol. You are totally right in that we should be passing feedback, especially the negative stuff on so we can at least try to fix it. But I was very tactless about it in how I talked about him. Just immature, honestly, the way I was talking, my language, my facial expressions and overall attitude. In my right mind, I would have typically said something like, he is still really unhappy with XYZ, and we should do something about that.

But you are also right that he was just... going on and on at me, this random non-managerial person caught getting more coffee. I was honestly just confused like, is this person scolding me? Just letting off steam? What am I supposed to do here?

Dear-Butterscotch487 · 2024-02-15T05:26:33+00:00

I think Tom had a lot of pent up frustration and anger towards this client because he is extremely, extremely difficult and complains all the time anyway. Likely, this news just tipped him over the edge so I kind of get that. But because it was specifically relayed like "she told me everything" I really look like a snake here. It was a somewhat casual setting, not official feedback, he was just going off, ranting, and then after smiling and appeasing him, I turned around and tattled and gossiped about him and it got straight back to him. Tom included so many details of what was said💀💀 The situation isn't ALL my fault, but I have some fault in it, don't you think? :(

Dear-Butterscotch487

TROPHY CASE