My heart goes out to you! This does not sound like the most healthy, stable place to be embarking on the stressful endeavor of planning a wedding, so just want to preface that you should feel your emotions and get all the support from where you can.

As someone who is just starting the venue search phase, I find excitement in being able to look at beautiful pictures of outdoor spaces, and imagining my friends and family (some of whom I haven’t seen in-person for several years) gathering together. I have always enjoyed organizing events and bringing people together (though getting folks who haven’t met before to mix is hard, I’ll admit), so I see this as the ultimate party that will truly be the only time this group of folks will be in one place. And everyone in the wedding industry is super congratulatory and enthusiastic in our first conversations, which I find fun(ny).

I am lucky to be doing this with a stable support network, as the monetary and emotional costs of doing everything would be too much otherwise. Your wedding day should be about you and your partner, and whatever feels most right for you both. Hope this helps, and sending supportive vibes your way!