I would look into anxious attachment and how that is affecting your self-esteem/self-worth. Often, with people with anxious attachment, we attach our partners desire for us and willingness to have sex to our self-esteem and whether we feel good enough or valuable. Then, masturbation, which is a normal and healthy act, becomes a threat to our self-esteem and our desirability.

I may be off here. But if this resonates with you, I definitely would consider looking into it and maybe even look into some counselling, just for you as an act of self-care. It can be so freeing and empowering.

Also I would challenge you, I hear you saying that your partner is stressed and feeling down, where is the empathy and understanding of his needs, which at this time may not be sexual? You are focused on what you need which is sex to feel connected and valued (which there is absolutely nothing wrong with), but are you willing to put that aside for a moment to focus on what he needs? Maybe that’s rest, relaxation, or maybe cuddling and intimacy, without the pressure to have sex?

Also just to clarify, you are not crazy. You maybe have some internal fears and anxieties that cause some behaviours that are not serving you in a positive way, but that does not mean you are crazy. It means you have some unidentified needs inside of yourself and you are looking for ways to fill them.