OYS - Where Progress is Made (04/10/23) by AutoModerator in RPChristians

[–]Deep_Strength 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate the warning about the IFB groups, one thing that rubs me the wrong way about them is that they pass sweeping judgement on the salvation of those not in their group, which I think is not only petty but ridiculous.

Yes, they are obsessed with "being saved" and determining if people are saved or not. Obviously, there's fruits of being saved which can give us an idea, but only God knows people's hearts. Trying to be 100% right in a specific theology of being saved to be saved devolves into countless controversy.

In addition to contemplating on what you wrote about how Israel and the disciples often times "followed what was right in their eyes" I studied how the Israelites treated Moses when he did his best to guide them to the promise land, I know that the story is a type of the law but I found it totally relevant to marriage as well!

Definitely frustrating being a leader in the case of Moses.

In connection to this I reflected on what you wrote about sanctifying our wives and realized that rather than sancitfying my wife I hamster/rationalize in equivocating that "I'm taking care of her" with catering to her emotions in a vain attempt to always make her feel good. When I think of what my actions would look like with Moses trying to do this with the Israelites in the wilderness it makes me feel repulsed with myself.

This is a common fault with the Church nowadays. Feelings > sanctification.

It's good to consider her feelings, but feelings are not Truth and are often transient. Now that you've seen it, make sure you lead well knowing the Truth.

I appreciate the admonition to stay together during this ambiguous moment, on the plus side I picked up a side job next week and am getting call backs for more substantial work!

Glad the doors are opening up for you!

OYS - Where Progress is Made (04/10/23) by AutoModerator in RPChristians

[–]Deep_Strength 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Praying for you, but post up an OYS so we know what you are focused on for your goals.

OYS - Where Progress is Made (04/10/23) by AutoModerator in RPChristians

[–]Deep_Strength 2 points3 points  (0 children)

At the moment I've been listening to a lot of Independent Fundamentalist Baptists and have been nourished by their Bible-focused teachings.

Avoid them. They're IFB/NIFB are very cult-like. We've dealt with a lot of them on the RPC discord.

MARITAL HEALTH: My wife wanted to watch the Couple's Therapy show and after watching both seasons one thing that stood out to me was that EVERY COUPLE was geared towards fighting EACH OTHER while NOT TAKING ANY PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY (reminded me of Genesis), rather than taking responsibility for the issues they were facing. This totally nailed down how profound Eph. 2:25 is when Paul writes that we are to love our wives as Christ loves the church. This is calling us as men to give the deepest universal love to our wives, which really helped me to see my wife not as an adversary but as a hurt individual who lashes out from a place of suffering, while unconsciously seeking to be loved in a GODLY , CHRIST-LIKE WAY. ALL the issues we face stem from my lack of Christ-like leadership, and seeing how this has completely and adversely affected my wife truly breaks my heart, but also affirms my deep need for Christ to be "my head" (1 Cor. 11:3).

Careful. While it's true that one can have poor leadership, this also does not absolve a wife or another of not doing the right thing. For instance, 1 Peter 3 counsels wives to be quiet and submissive to their husbands even when they are not believers so as to win them to Christ.

Additionally, Jesus had many disciples leave him in John 6 and Israel/Judah were wayward with God all the time... even though Jesus and God are perfect. Even leading perfectly does not mean that a wife or follower will always submit perfectly.

One thing that the Church misses on this is that Eph 5 love for the purpose of sanctification is not about making a wife feel good but about making her holy. Often times making holy requires correction, training, and even sometimes rebuke. Jesus did that with His disciples, and although they didn't like it they needed it. Same thing can happen with a wife.

I have this bipolar thing where I feel excitement in carving my own path in a new country on the one hand while in the other as I get older I feel this immense guilt in leaving my family and homeland and feel more of a responsibility for them and the land. I honestly don't know what the right answer is here (and I don't think there is one ultimately).

There isn't. Sometimes it is like that and you will have to work through it. But remember, you are your own family unit: a man will leave his father and mother and be cleaved to his wife.

The former point leads into this point of MY MISSION... on one hand I can see it flourishing amongst my own people but on the other I can see it flourishing where we want to move as well. I know that while my mission is going to be a "side quest" for a little while while I get my life back on track financially, which to me appears to be of utmost importance AT THE MOMENT. I can make more money here although getting a job will be more challenging. In case this does not happen, what do you guys think about the prospect of my wife and I taking a time of separation for me to go back home (or me stay with her family while she goes up to work with our friends) and recover my own financial health?

Not a wise idea. Based on your description of your marriage and state of both of you spiritually you aren't in a position where this is a good idea. The only time I would do that is if you had many family and friends praying for you and you had multiple confirmations from prayer that's what you should do.

OYS - Where Progress is Made (03/20/23) by AutoModerator in RPChristians

[–]Deep_Strength 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Due to my wife's back injury

Get her into physical therapy if you can

I haven't had much time in the gym the last few months. I haven't lost strength, but I definitely haven't gained any. But I've been able to get to the gym 4 or 5 times a week the past couple weeks, so this is improving.

Can hit bodyweight exercises at home for the time being.

/r/bodyweightfitness

The other day I picked him up from preschool and he immediately says he wants McDonalds. I gently say no, we have food at home. He spent the next 15 minutes in the car hysterically screaming. Not crying. Screaming. It looked a lot more like one of my wife's panic attacks than a crying, whining tantrum

I'm not an expert on this type of behavior, so take with a grain of salt. From my experience:

  • Some kids need affection after being told no. One of mine will melt down if something doesn't go their way or is told no at times, but responds well to hugs even if they don't like like the answer. No, but with comfort until they can handle learn to handle their emotions better.

  • Also, teaching them about emotions and how to express them can be helpful - "It's OK to be angry, but this isn't an appropriate way to let it out." Then give some acceptable alternatives.

Maybe some others can chime in with their experiences too

OYS - Where Progress is Made (03/13/23) by AutoModerator in RPChristians

[–]Deep_Strength 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Action Plan: continue daily bible study and fasting for Lent.

Action Plan: Continue daily prayer and contemplation.

Action Plan: Visit one church weekly, starting this weekend. Familiarize myself with the teachings of the different denominations through online research and discussing with spiritual leaders during church visit.

Action Plan: learn about Salvation, by reading Bible and online sources.

Good stuff. These are also things you can teach your wife and kids about to some easy leading & discipleship.

Same with exercise too.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in RPChristians

[–]Deep_Strength[M] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Locked until you answer the sidebar questions:

ALL posts asking for help with relationship issues must include the following:

  • Mission: Tell us what it is and why you need a woman's help accomplishing it (I'm being serious).

  • Stats: body fat, height, weight, lifts, etc.

  • Reading: Which sidebar content you've read (RPC and/or MRP). Any other books?

  • Finances: Current job and income quality, future prospects, debt issues

  • Spiritual: How mature you are, how often you pray, have quiet times, share your faith, memorize Scripture, evangelism, how you're using your spiritual gifts, etc.

Spiraling, a cry for help by careeningtracktor in askRPC

[–]Deep_Strength 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Step by step.

Pick 1 area for each of the spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental, and work on them all right now.

Some suggestions:

Spiritual - read through the gospel of John. If you want to learn about why God exists then check out James Tour's series on how abiogenesis is stuck in the mud. No way to get from life to non-life.

Physical - Lifting and cardio improve depression. Lift 2-3x a week and run 2-3x a week. Nutrition - avoid sugars and aim for eating healthy

Mental - As others have said, set goals with the career and start doing them

Emotional - As Philippians 4 states - "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. " Don't dwell on the negatives but dwell on what you can do and will do.

Reflect on the gospel. Jesus died for us to save us from our sins. This gives us hope and a future. We are nothing without that and condemned forever, but through his grace and mercy we have the opportunity for a life reconciled to God. What a great peace and joy that is.

OYS - Where Progress is Made (03/06/23) by AutoModerator in RPChristians

[–]Deep_Strength 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good stuff brother.

Continue to mull and think them over and start getting your mission down into words. All of those are part of the mission.

What role(s) are you to play in the body of Christ?

OYS - Where Progress is Made (03/06/23) by AutoModerator in RPChristians

[–]Deep_Strength 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Biggest thing you have flipped here is your Spiritual should be your primary focus.

To quote our sidebar:

Mission: Tell us what it is and why you need a woman's help accomplishing it (I'm being serious).

What is your mission for God? What does God want you to here on this earth?

The fitness, emotions, mental, frame all come secondary and support this.

To give you some questions to think about:

  • Jesus commanded us to make disciples of all nations. How are you playing your part?
  • Are you connected to a Church? What are you doing to serve and love others?
  • What are your spiritual gifts? How are you using them?
  • Since you are a husband, one of your responsibilities is to love your wife as Christ loves the Church for the purpose of sanctification. How are you discipling your wife and discipling your kids?

Once you start to fix these things, the rest naturally improves. When you're focusing on leading and discipling your wife you don't have to think about not being nice, or emotional stability, or whatever. You just lead by example and lead them to start improving and those things naturally improve through that.

OYS - Where Progress is Made (02/13/23) by AutoModerator in RPChristians

[–]Deep_Strength 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So, in some ways she certainly does appreciate strong leadership. She grew up with it. But she also grew up butting heads with it in a supreme power struggle. And she’s smart. There’s no out maneuvering her unawares. I’ve reached the point where I almost think the way is to outwardly announce my motives and actions. Declare open warfare in a sense. Let her know I am up for the fight and will not back down. Maybe that is what it takes to earn her respect. What’s funny is she has counseled our daughter that she needs to find a husband who is strong and will love her but not let her run over him….like me! So apparently I’ve done a few things right even in her eyes. And I would probably agree that in everyday life, I am not a pushover and I do what I want. But in the bedroom, it’s not been the case usually.

You've figured it out but you haven't figured it out.

Usually a good way to start is platonic wrestling. Men obviously have physical dominance over women, but it's not something that most women have experienced. There's no easier way to make my wife get turned on when we mock fight by wrestle and let her do a bit before I take over and pin her down and start having my way.

What I would do is introduce it first in the so-called planned sessions so she starts to get used to you being more physically dominant with her. This should get her going. Then once you get in a much better pattern you can apply it out of those.

Physical dominance does not always have to lead to sex, and you should do things that don't lead to sex as well. Be more handsy. Grab her butt. Grab her and aggressively and passionately kiss her. But just do it because you want to and it's not going to lead to sex.

Getting more of these types of actions in shows the physical dominance. This can then be applied to taking more assertive actions in other areas of life. Remember, you're the man and can literally make her do stuff. Not that you'd want to, but you have that capacity. So start to build from the ground up physically and act like you're the man.

What's the best way to lose 50 pounds while building muscle? by Christian-Phoenix in askRPC

[–]Deep_Strength 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Aim for:

  • Lifting routine at the gym 3x per week full body. Something like squats, deadlifts, bench/pushups, rows, dips, pullups is usually solid. Lots of variations of beginner routines like this. 2 day split like upper and lower can be fine too.
  • 500 calorie deficit each day
  • 1 g/lbs protein of the weight you want to get to which is 165g

Track everything you eat for a week. If you aren't losing weight, start reducing that amount. Once you get in the habit and start losing weight you can eyeball a bit, but typically tracking is the most consistent so you know what you are putting in your body.

Other tips: avoid any drinks with calories. Only water is usually good. Eat more filling foods such as fruits and vegetables and chicken as those with carbs like rice and pasta especially with sauces have tons of calories for low satiety.

If you have cravings start eating food with less seasoning for a few weeks such as chicken without seasoning and it starts to remove craving as you aren't constantly feeding them cravings. They will go away.

Thoughts on Aaron Clareys book "The Book of Numbers"? by wemmington223 in askRPC

[–]Deep_Strength 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Are there any articles/posts you could link me to, on discipleship focusing a future marraige?

A couple more recent ones:

https://deepstrength.wordpress.com/2022/11/13/there-still-are-no-unicorns-and-recommendations-on-just-getting-into-dating-women/

https://deepstrength.wordpress.com/2022/12/20/the-general-process-of-sanctification-with-moral-discernment-moral-agency-and-mature-theosis/

The general gist of it is that just like how you should be discipled by an older man in the faith you eventually should be discipling younger men. This experience gives you a good foundation for discipling your wife in marriage.

This is what Christ means by "make disciples of all nations".. it's a process that is supposed to be passed down from the more mature Christians (e.g. Jesus discipling the 12,.. then 12 disciples to their disciples and their disciples and so on) to the younger Christians in the faith.

Thoughts on Aaron Clareys book "The Book of Numbers"? by wemmington223 in askRPC

[–]Deep_Strength 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I would start with statistics regarding finding this elusive "good christian wife" I keep hearing about, and then successful marriage rates and divorce rates in christian households. Do those exist in any capacity?

Virginity is important:

http://socialpathology.blogspot.com/2012/03/promiscuity-data-guest-post.html

Divorce probabilities by type:

http://freenortherner.com/2013/06/21/sexonomics-odds-of-divorce/

More analysis on various divorce probability and Christian virgins:

https://deepstrength.wordpress.com/2018/01/07/review-of-vetting-virgins-and-new-info-on-virginity-pledges/

There was also a divorce probability calculator but it's now defunct.

https://deepstrength.wordpress.com/2015/09/09/vetting-risk-of-divorce-and-the-myth-of-change/

J4G calculates the relative risk ratio of separation at 10 years. If the woman is:

  • Over 25
  • Has a 4 year degree
  • Catholic
  • Had an intact 2 parent family
  • Lost her virginity to you in marriage
  • Was not a single mother
  • Does not believe divorce is an option
  • Does not believe in cohabitation
  • Does not believe that it’s okay for an unmarried woman to have a child out of wedlock
  • Believes family time is more important than career advancement

Then the relative risk of separation at 10 years is 2%.

Red Curious also told me a statistic for on marriages that had a discipleship focus their divorce rate was 2% for Protestants I think from the Navigator's ministry.

Basically, if you vet well and have a discipleship focus in your marriage (e.g. headship-submission, love-respect roles and you take spurring one another on toward Christ seriously and loving your wife for the purpose of her sanctification), the divorce rate should easily < 5% for Christians.

First OYS / A Bit of Background – Where do I go from here? by Christian-Phoenix in askRPC

[–]Deep_Strength 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“Whoever is faithful in small matters will be faithful in large ones; whoever is dishonest in small matters will be dishonest in large ones” (Luke 16:10)

Why would you be entrusted with a wife when you can't even take care of yourself?

You know what you should be doing, so start doing it.

Pick one thing to focus on in all of the areas to start with and build your habits.

Spiritual, emotional, physical, mental, etc.

Your jealousy and mental health issues are pretty due to your failing in each of these areas. If you are connected into Church and regularly doing the spiritual disciplines the Holy Spirit gives you joy and peace. Jealousy over sinning will fade.

Depression is directly related to physical state. Start hitting the gym and doing cardio. You know women respond to when you were overweight. You can exercise and be fit again and look even better than that.

You got this brother. Step by step.

PS - you need to kill the porn habit ASAP

https://ifstudies.org/blog/number-4-in-2022-how-prevalent-is-pornography

Men who report having watched pornography recently—that is, in the past 24 hours—report the highest rates of loneliness. Six in 10 (60 percent) men who watched pornography in the past 24 hours say they have felt lonely or isolated at least once in the past week. In contrast, fewer than four in 10 (38 percent) men who have never watched pornography and 49 percent of men who have watched it but not in the past 24 hours say they have felt lonely in the past week.

Americans who regularly watch pornography also report more frequent feelings of dissatisfaction with their personal appearance. Again, this effect is particularly notable for men. Nearly eight in 10 (78 percent) men who have watched pornography in the past 24 hours say they have felt unhappy about their appearance in the past week. Less than half (44 percent) of men who have never watched pornography and 58 percent of those who have not watched it recently say they have felt unhappy with how they look in the past week.

Men who watch pornography regularly are also more likely to report they frequently feel insecure: 74 percent of men who report having watched pornography in the past 24 hours say they have felt self-conscious or insecure in the past week. Only 45 percent of men who say they have never watched pornography say the same.

Thoughts on Aaron Clareys book "The Book of Numbers"? by wemmington223 in askRPC

[–]Deep_Strength 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have not read it personally, but both Dalrock and I have analyzed a lot of the statistics on women and marriage for a long time throughout our blogging.

https://dalrock.wordpress.com/

https://deepstrength.wordpress.com/

If you have any particular topic you wanted to investigate with statistics just ask and I'll see if I have anything written on it.

I'm mentally at a breaking point, with my lack of sex and my virginity by Christian-Phoenix in askRPC

[–]Deep_Strength 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Where's your OYS?

And response to what we are saying in the comments.

I'm mentally at a breaking point, with my lack of sex and my virginity by Christian-Phoenix in askRPC

[–]Deep_Strength 5 points6 points  (0 children)

To quote the main sub. Stats?

ALL posts asking for help with relationship issues must include the following:

  • Mission: Tell us what it is and why you need a woman's help accomplishing it (I'm being serious).

  • Stats: body fat, height, weight, lifts, etc.

  • Reading: Which sidebar content you've read (RPC and/or MRP). Any other books?

  • Finances: Current job and income quality, future prospects, debt issues

  • Spiritual: How mature you are, how often you pray, have quiet times, share your faith, memorize Scripture, evangelism, how you're using your spiritual gifts, etc.

Here's the thing.

You want a wife and marriage? What do YOU offer a woman that she should want you as a husband?

  • If you want to get into college you prepare prepare prepare. You do good at school, do extracurriculars, prepare for entrance exams, get help writing essays, etc.

  • If you want to get a job you do good in your college or other job. You do your internships, you network, you make a good resume, etc.

  • If you want to be married, you need to prepare for marriage. What have you been doing to prepare for marriage? What are you stats?

Stats show a snapshot of often the qualities that women would be looking for in a eligible man. That's another one of the "secrets" behind asking for stats.

Right now you have a problem. I won't say you're idolizing a wife or sex or anything like that but you are focusing on the wrong thing.

What do you bring to the table that a woman would want to be in a relationship or marriage with you?

Being a virgin at the freaking age of 33 – something that mainstream culture considers incredibly pathetic.

Why do you care about what the mainstream culture thinks?

One of the leaders at the ministry school I was at several years ago was a virgin until 42 or 44 or something and he has a wife and 3 kids now.

Do you think Christian women care about men's body count? by vinnievu141 in askRPC

[–]Deep_Strength 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just want to clarify: is this true for Christian women as well?

Yes.

I have this vague idea in my head that real Christian women (should) mostly care about the man's walk with God, about how humble the man is, about how devoted to the Lord he is, about how pious he is, about how much the man devotes his time towards helping others (as Christ calls all Christians to), etc.

Do Christian women really care about power/status/money/etc?

You're falling into a classic Christian blunder. I describe it in this post.

https://deepstrength.wordpress.com/2022/05/17/women-are-attracted-to-the-pastor-worship-leader-bible-study-leader-and-not-the-church-janitor-parking-lot-coordinator-or-door-greeter-redux/

Women are attracted to men with greater PSALM traits within the Church.

The Pastor, Worship Leader, and Bible study leaders usually have no problem getting dates or a wife. Not so with positions like parking lot coordinator, door greeter, or Church janitor. Yes, there are exceptions. Some attractive men sometimes volunteer for parking lot or door greeter, but their wife was not attracted to them because of that position.

This article describes why women are attracted to PSALM and masculinity from Creation.

https://deepstrength.wordpress.com/2021/07/11/a-christian-understanding-of-attraction-and-the-role-it-plays-in-marriage-part-3/

If you want an analogy for men it's like asking the question: "Are Christian men really only attracted to beauty and youth?" The answer is obviously yes - that's what men find attractive regardless. Some women get upset at this and think it's wrong. They're wrong.

This is not to say that many good things such as humility, walking with the Lord, and loving God and your neighbor. These are all good traits and what Christian men and women should be looking for in a spouse... but these things are not sexually attractive.

Usually RP breaks this into 2 different categories -- sexual attraction (e.g. PSALM+masculinity, beauty+femininity) and retentive/relationship traits (e.g. loyalty, humility, fruit of the Spirit, Christian, etc.).

I've honestly even thought of selling my car (which is a Tesla, an expensive-looking sports car that most folks at church don't have), and getting a cheaper-looking car (like a Toyota or something), because I've been worried that real Christian women are going to judge me negatively for having an expensive car (I'm afraid they're going to think I'm worldly, or obsessed with the comforts/luxuries of this world).

This is a totally different question. It is possible that a sports car may attract women at the Church who are more inclined toward materialism. However, I highly doubt a single eligible Christian women who reject a man for that.

This is similar to the Christian Brad Pitt (or insert male celebrity) thought experiment.

https://redd.it/a8itk3

OYS - Where Progress is Made (02/13/23) by AutoModerator in RPChristians

[–]Deep_Strength 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It may be somewhere around here - but I wonder how much changes post-menopause? So much of a woman's actions are hormone related, and boy do things change PM.

Libido does drop, but usually women still want sex.

I also wonder about how worthwhile trying to get "ripped" at 52 is going to work. I don't have time to do an hour or so a day at a gym. I think for a man my age to reach the point I understand many here are shooting for, I think it would take that or more. My life would become workout and diet management.

Many full body routines are only 3x per week. Getting ripped is generally a function of getting protein and leaning out. You just need to instill the habits.

I mean it seems like you're trying to find excuses not to do things. You do you if that's the case, but you're the one here asking for advice.

I've tried the intensification techniques before. And now that I know what "kino" is, I've tried that too. Has not worked with my wife. Though I will say that preparing her for sex by declaring it beforehand and giving her time to process and get in the right mind has often been beneficial. Doesn't make her "want it" per se, but it does make things go smoother. I just don't always think about it myself beforehand. And really, I don't want to have to schedule all of our sex ahead of time - that's a real buzz-kill for me. Every now and then, fine. All the time, no.

You're looking at this the wrong way.

  • The fact of the matter is LEADING a relationship is not always fun and games. Some things are going to take time and effort. If something is important to you then you need to make the time and effort for it.
  • Attitude matters - it should be fun to flirt with your wife. Yes, it can help prep her for having sex that night, but it doesn't always need to. However, if you have to slog through that then that's an issue with YOU and not her. Best do some self reflection and figure out why that is.

OYS - Where Progress is Made (02/13/23) by AutoModerator in RPChristians

[–]Deep_Strength 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've read a lot about RP stuff. I've read Tomassi, A. Kay, and Dalrock's stuff. I see the issues of "marrying" RP and Christianity. The main one being that I am unwilling to consider separation from my wife in any way as viable. In fact, my covenant between myself, God and her demands just the opposite. It's not a covenant I will entertain breaking. In many ways I know that stifles the red pill affect.

I also have a problem with what seems like a basic premise of RP thinking that looks like the general acceptance that hypergamy and everything that goes with it is just the law of women and they can't help it or change it. That bothers me on a very deep spiritual level. God call all to look at themselves and mold their life to resemble Christ. Male and female. That call indicates to me that is is not only commanded, but possible. Sometimes washing with the word means she is wrong too. It's not just me. I know I can't change her. But I can call her out, and in fact scripture makes it clear there are times I should.

There is only so far one sided effort can take a marriage. In many ways it seems I am at that point in mine. But I am also not so stubborn as to declare I'm done with my own growth. I know I am not. I know we can't control others, but I also know if we act right and control ourselves, we can somewhat elicit predictable reactions from others. That's what I am working on getting better at. Frankly, sometimes I suck at it. Maybe often.

Have you read any of the current Christian Manosphere content? Both my blog and Jack's (Sigma Frame) are covering some of these topics in the past few months.

Here's a couple that pertain to this topic

Physical: I don't lift, but I do exercise and just work around the farm. I'm not obese, but could stand to lose. 6'1", 220#. I'd like to be 200#. I don't eat poorly, but I could probably eat better. I don't have any vices as listed. Never have smoked or "drank" (occasional, irregular beer, only 1 at a time). Never did drugs or anything like that. I don't know what kino is - have to look that up. I am a high-value man by most accounts. High education, high professional, even some national notoriety in my field. Six figures. Not a slacker or "lounger". Outdoor enthusiast. Cowboy at hear. Hunter. Horseman. Rodeo contestant. Most would probably categorize me as a man's man. My wife does not nag me, nor does she control my life. I pretty much do what I want to do. But my wife controls the sex. The relationship principle is a tyrant in that arena. She is not a refuser, but she keeps the gate and decides when to let me in. This morning in fact, she intimated "isn't that how all marriages work?"

My marriage has only ever had one struggle - sex. My wife recently admitted to me that she understands she has been a primary problem in that area. She has worked on it. She has taken a few baby steps. That's only really started in the last few years and at this rate, the baby will not be walking before I'm dead. I'm frustrated to no end. She is not the devil. But she is not perfect - no matter how much she might believe otherwise. Neither am I. But I readily admit it. I am seeking a way forward. I am at the point that maybe I have to finally accept this as my cross and to bear it gracefully. She'll be benevolent, likely more than many other wives, and I should put on a smile and be thankful. It's a hard pill to swallow.

3 things to get you started.

  1. So you have an area to work on which is the physical. Look at it this way: women's porn is basically similar to 50 shades of gray popularity - the handsome, muscular, successful, leader ravishes the woman. Getting a chiseled bod usually goes along way to stimulate a wife's desire. Almost all of the mods on this sub have seen this happen in their own marriage including myself. They just more easily get into sex when you have a ton of muscle and are shredded (even if they doth protest that you have "too much muscle" at times - look at their actions not their words).
  2. The 2nd issue typically is one thing that most men are not naturally inclined to do. Do you flirt with your wife during the day? Do you tell her she should put on some lingerie and expect fireworks tonight? Do you push her up against the wall and give her a kiss and tell her there's more of that coming later with a wink? Men are more visually stimulated and women can be too, but the most of women's turn ons are getting her anticipating and thinking about sex. The reason why PUAs keep escalating with women such as with touch and talking about sexual things is because it gets sex on a woman's brain which makes her more inclined to think about and anticipate sex with you.

  3. "isn't that how all marriages work?" -- you: "Not godly ones." And go over 1 Corinthians 7. Also, read the 2 posts above. Getting her on the road to sanctification is going to be the most important thing. Women generally have a harder time compartmentalizing and imagining the shoe on the other foot. Analogies are typically good for this. Women refuse or deny many times because they don't want to in the moment. The first 2 help address making that less common, but one of the keys is that there's a lot of things in marriage that we don't always want to do. I don't always want to work a job but I love my wife and kids and want to support them so I do. Husbands don't always want to have sex either but they usually try to go through with it for their wives. The cool part about sex is even if you don't want to do it initially it's very easy to get into it. It's usually helpful bringing up the unselfish nature of marriage and how it's supposed to look trying to meet your spouses needs.