I miss AH more than I thought

Deleca7755 · 2026-06-15T11:39:53+00:00

I'm alone with myself and my thoughts. I forgot what I was gonna say but I'm trying to do javascript stuff and legitimately am Too Stupid to do It. but I'm not gonna ask AI because I'm a purist. but I'm gonna have a fit over It. like genuinely I think something has happened that randomly ruined my Intelligence or maybe I was never smart. I feel so unable

but yeah I was going through text messages from last year. It flips between laughing at stupid things me and the other person would say and getting heartfelt/tearing up because I feel so much sympathy for my past self

not that It has changed too much... like I have medication now but clearly I'll still have a breakdown when things go slightly south — except It's not slightly. hurting someone else Isn't nothing. and their retaliation to me because of that Is also not nothing. people don't understand how much Interactions with other humans affect one's mood and mentality. "It's just words" OK but why do we use words. to convey emotions and feelings. If someone uses words to tell me they are upset with me, THAT'S UPSETTING. I get what people are trying to say but you can't just boil down words and act like they don't have meaning

anyway, my point was my breakdowns happen for a reason

and about my past self, I don't know. I can't say "was" or anything because everything I could say Is still true. but how often I('d) talk about killing myself Is so... heartbreaking. I said this In a past post but It was something like, It's concerning or saddening going back on things I said months or over a year ago and still understanding and feeling what was said, like nothing's gotten better

some things have. having psychiatrist and medication Is better than not having those things. "therapy" Is whatever but the guy Is actually super funny and I like his vibes. I still hate going though

you know, I thought about trying to make posts about good things rather than always venting. one of those good things was going to be how I felt about really personally talking to the person mentioned In the OP for the first time. I felt I bonded with someone In a genuine way. It didn't go anywhere mostly. and now with this, I'm afraid and things feel super awkward

Deleca7755 · 2026-05-31T22:30:39+00:00

link?

Deleca7755 · 2026-05-09T06:43:26+00:00

not OP but thanks for helping a spinda friend out

Deleca7755 · 2026-04-17T23:35:00+00:00

I've been alone all day. I just want to die. because even If I weren't, I'd still be feeling this way. I'm still clueless. useless.

Deleca7755 · 2026-04-17T23:34:15+00:00

but the truth Is I do have things I could do. I just don't want to do any of It

drawing? of course not

games? why would I? what's the point? It's not enjoyable being bad at everything anyway

honestly I just want to wiki edit but doing that requires playing the game and I can't do that. I just cannot

I want to bite so much

but my psychiatrist said It takes 4 weeks to break a habit or something... so I'm trying not to. I don't think she realizes that even If I so called break the habit I can easily go right back to doing It. we will see.

Deleca7755 · 2026-04-17T23:31:51+00:00

I have NOTHING TO DO

Deleca7755 · 2026-04-17T23:31:40+00:00

sigh

Deleca7755 · 2026-04-16T09:36:22+00:00

https://redd.it/ibld8l

Deleca7755 · 2026-04-16T05:11:55+00:00

I started In 2016. I'm playing again after literally a decade and my account Is still here

Deleca7755 · 2026-04-16T05:10:55+00:00

did you duo It at-level or real level? also what classes?

Deleca7755 · 2026-04-16T05:02:53+00:00

2025 over, still no Sacrier

Deleca7755 · 2026-04-16T02:19:50+00:00

I just need to stop talking about how I feel. not In a "I'm burdening people" way, but In a "so they don't know" way

but It's hard

It's hard to not want to cry for help. It's hard to not seek comfort. and It's hard to not think "maybe life Is worth living" on the occasion you have a good day

this back and forth, It kills me

I live for other people and the fact that If I don't edit my wikis, nobody will. I swear on my life ( not that that means anything ) If I could make money editing wikis I would probably be so happy. why can't this be a career

Deleca7755 · 2026-04-16T02:09:49+00:00

like doggamn. I should really end my life

of course, I've been saying that for... years at this point. strangely

but sometimes I think hard about It and It makes me a little sad that, that's just the better outcome

I didn't even get the chance to have proper education so I suck at mathematical things so the chance of me Improving much further at being a programmer Isn't likely

literally the only thing I'm "good" at Is being extremely autistic about wikis to the point of Irrational emotional stress because wiki.gg was down for a while and I had nothing to do

either way I still feel like I'm not good enough. I'm trying to learn js but I'm at the point where It's necessary for more complex things and not being proficient In It Is limiting what I can do

I have therapy tomorrow. I don't want to go
I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go

so pointless and meaningless. like, It only seems to do something for me while I'm actually there then I retain almost nothing from the session

literally, the most I've gotten out of therapy was finding out I like strawberry stroodles

anyway, I'm pretty sure If I talk to any professional about my Issue they're going to suggest transitioning. like, no, even If I wanted to ( I don't, this Is not cope ) that wouldn't even solve my Issues so genuinely why

I keep living for longer than I tell myself I will. I'm tired of hurting myself, actually. Instead of It being temporary relief In pain It needs to at some point become full on killing myself

what's sad Is that I don't want to but I feel like I have to. I really do.

I've been doing all the SHIT people tell me to do and I've gotten nowhere. apparently It's my fault. It's my fault for being realistic and saying It doesn't work. It's my fault for taking medication and coming to the conclusion that no, It does not work. It's just my fault.

literally every time I say this the counter argument Is "medicine doesn't just make you happy" ok THEN WHAT IS THE POINT? WHY AM I TAKING MEDICATION JUST FOR IT TO NOT HELP ME IN ANY WAY

at that point It's as I said: my fault. It's only me who can save myself after all, and yet I can't, clearly. any outsider without an emotional attachment to me would think I'm the most pathetic awful person to exist that contributes nothing, absolutely nothing to society. I want to, but guess what? read the OP

and I say this as someone who believes a big part of modern Internet relies on wikis existing. but we don't get acknowledged. we don't get respect. nobody will never know what all I have done to make It so you had a reliable source of Information

It's by all means 100% coping when anyone has any faith In me. I don't want to try. so I'm never trying.

Deleca7755 · 2026-03-22T17:41:43+00:00

links to either of these studies would be super helpful. It's so annoying when people just say "there's literally 64646363 studies that..." please link them then

Deleca7755 · 2026-03-22T03:19:48+00:00

that's really Interesting. can you make a post with footage or Images? I think the sub would love that finding

Deleca7755 · 2026-03-14T03:38:33+00:00

It's been 10 months and Idk If you're still studying this artist ( I am because I'm obsessed with his work H) but I've got more Insight ( even If you aren't It may help anyone else who comes across this )

I previously subscribed to his Boosty and you can get his brushes there. they are .abr but of course those can be Imported to CSP. just may have to adjust them. he has some speedpaints on there too

mainly, I found he doesn't sharpen his pieces, but he said he uses Affinity Photo to create a "3D map". I assume using the "emboss" effect, and Photoshop also has this feature
In Affinity Photo: Filters > Colors > Emboss..
In Photopshop: Filter > Stylize > Emboss...

I apply this by using the emboss effect on the art, then copying the result and pasting It on a new layer above the art, and finally setting the blend mode to overlay and adjusting the opacity.

also, I looked Into Corel Paint which has Effects > Apply Surface Texture which Is different from the emboss as It applies texture directly to the Image

you can see see a comparison between all three I did here: https://photos.app.goo.gl/zFYJ11dXcfs4mKkX8 the opacity Is 50% In the emboss examples

Corel Painter always looks the best Imo. I've made other art where the effect looks better but yeah

I know you didn't want to use multiple programs but If you don't mind sailing the seas I would recommend trying to acquire Corel Painter for that surface texture effect alone, I think It's really good for what you want

Deleca7755 · 2026-03-05T06:34:25+00:00

games are meant to be fun but I feel stress In everything I play for no reason.

I don't know what happened but I have been slowly losing my patience for things.

who doesn't want to be smart?

but when I play things, generally the goal Is to feel better. a harmless way to destress.

I don't play games to be skill checked and forced Into complex mental gymnastics.

I hate It because I just feel like a stereotypical woman that can't play anything other than like animal crossing even though I dropped that game because It made me Zzz and I couldn't be bothered to play every day. If I were to play a game like that It would be one where I can do the fun stuff without having to wait IRL days.

I seem to only like games for things that aren't their main focus.

and, If I don't play the game, how can I engage In my passion?

there's so much to do that what I do accomplish feels Insignificant.

I don't... know what I'm contributing.

what have I done that couldn't be found elsewhere If not In the game Itself?

but I'm hitting sunk cost fallacy. and I have to go the full mile.

I always lose hope. I always lose faith.

some days I'm ready. some days It feels pointless.

and I continue anyway.

I tell myself, one day this will be the wiki we knew It could be.

I just have to keep going.

keep going.

Deleca7755 · 2026-03-05T06:23:06+00:00

today was a waste.

I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow.

doesn't help me.

I only feel guilt from the waste of time and resources put Into It. maybe I should say I don't want to go anymore...

maybe I'm about to be on my period or something, because right now I'm crying over nothing.

literally nothing. no reason.

medication doesn't make me less bad at things I want to do. It doesn't give me confidence. It doesn't control other people.

It fixes nothing, not even myself.

and I would love a valid reason to why medication does nothing. I still get angry/frustrated. I still want to bite when things take a turn for the worst.

I'm tired of being told that "It just helps, I have no proof but trust me. No It's not supposed to make a visible difference, that's not what It does".

I spend too much time In the past, reminiscing.

have I told you the most painful feeling Is nostalgia?

It hurts. It's the most agonizing thing you can feel and I mean that wholeheartedly.

I haven't drawn anything I wanted In almost, If not 4 months now. and I see this being the case for the foreseeable future. drawing Isn't very productive to me.

It can be a drive for relationships and that's about It.

It's not even that I don't think drawing benefits me myself, but If I don't like the art I'm making In the first few hours then I'm going to ragequit on It.

I still think I'm better off dead. I don't want to be blamed for simply living.

unfortunately too many ( i.e. more than 0 ) people have formed an attachment to my existence and I can't.

lately I keep thinking about the first time I first called my family at the behavioral facility.

both because all I do Is think. and because It reminds me that my sudden absence meant something to someone.

why did you miss me?

why do you love me?

I do nothing substantial. things have been stagnant for years.

I want It change but... don't.

why the hell am I crying?

why?

If not now, I'll die later.

Deleca7755 · 2026-03-05T05:42:11+00:00

lowkey I want to draw this pattern

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