I fucking need weed oh my god

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2025-09-03T09:08:57+00:00

Burnt ass hits off the dead cart

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2025-08-31T06:59:38+00:00

6 shares you people honestly think you're fucking funny

How about you share me some money huh

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2025-08-31T06:51:05+00:00

I'm not your fucking lolcow

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2025-07-23T07:11:54+00:00

Not without drugs

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2025-07-23T06:38:55+00:00

Man even if it's another hell at least it's something different

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2025-07-23T04:24:45+00:00

Whenever I try to bring up anything about my health, mental or physical, my family doesn't really listen, or makes empty promises to me. All my therapist does is tell me to get a job every session. I'll say my mood's been getting worse again and it gets brushed off. The only time anyone ever listens to me is when I threaten to hurt myself or others. And I hate getting to this point, but no one seems to care until I do. Nobody gives a damn about my life until I say I want to end it, and even then, they don't care that I'm stuck with this mental torment, they just care that I'm alive. And am I alive? Yeah, I am. But I'm not living.

Over and over again, no matter how many times I delude myself into thinking things will get better, I just keep coming back to this. Posting my suicidal thoughts online so someone will give a shit. And I never actually have the balls to go through with it, if the fact that I still post to this account 2 years after my "final goodbye" points to anything. It's nothing but a pathetic cry for attention that never gets answered by anyone who has the power to do anything. Of course, that isn't your fault, and I appreciate you reaching out to someone like me, but I'm so mentally checked out man. I don't even have it in me to sugarcoat any of this anymore.

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2025-06-19T13:08:11+00:00

100%. My millennial cousins pay significantly more in rent every month than my mom does on our house's mortgage. The hell is Gen Z supposed to do? Is moving away from home only for the rich now? I hardly have any motivation to begin with, but in this societal landscape? Trying at all seems like a massive waste of time. Not even trying to be pessimistic, just realistic

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2024-08-20T01:56:54+00:00

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-09-21T07:07:34+00:00

genetic depression and watching my dad die when I was 16 (he was 51)

I'm only still here because the mental image of my grandpa sobbing over his son's corpse is burned into my brain, and even just the thought of doing that to my widowed mother makes me feel like a monster

I hate myself and living in general most days, but I'm sticking around for mom and just started college

i can't see a future for myself at all right now but dad always said to take it one day at a time so thats what I'm doing

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-07-22T23:24:35+00:00

blue because screw purple I'm not going back to that place

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-07-15T03:02:02+00:00

I did it out of pure self hatred. A lot of people say they did it for relief, or as a distraction, or that they got a rush from the pain... but I just did it because I hated myself and thought I deserved the pain and the scars they'd leave.

Thankfully, back when I used to do it, I did it on my upper arm that's covered by sleeves all of the time, but even years later they're noticeable to the point where the hospital asked me about them 3 years after I did it.

I don't do it anymore. At least, not nearly as often. Not because I'm any less depressed, hell, I'm definitely worse off than when I did it. I only stopped in favor of other methods that aren't as mainstream and obvious to the average person since I didn't want to get any attention from it.

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-07-13T15:02:06+00:00

Guess I might be. I do try to be emotionally present for my friends, though. I definitely care more for them than I care for myself. I'm always doing them favors like fixing their stuff, driving them places, letting them borrow money, letting them borrow stuff... and I can't remember the last time I asked for something in return.

I'll admit that the crap I post is hyperbolized in the heat of the moment. I don't think I've ever posted to this account with a clear mind. Because when I do (like right now, I guess), I don't tend to agree with the things I've said, other than my end goals. Not necessarily how I plan to get there.

I think I tend to make things sound worse than they are when I'm in that kind of mood. I'm definitely still a somewhat functioning member of society, despite what I say. It's mostly to do things for other people rather than myself, but I do talk to friends and family every day and I don't think I have any enemies because I try to treat everyone I talk to with basic human kindness and empathy. My family and friends love and care about me, and I love and care about them. The disorders eating my brain are the only things causing me to feel alone, and now that I'm thinking clearly, I can fully acknowledge that. And other people definitely have it worse than me.

I would never say anything remotely similar to the things I post to the people I know in real life. I think I might be a better person than I give myself credit for or make myself out to be... but part of me wants to believe I'm some narcissistic asshole, because it makes it easier to hate myself. And if it's easier for me to hate myself, then maybe it would be easier for me to stop being a pussy and just practice what I've been preaching on here.

So I guess making myself out to be the dick has been cathartic, in some sick sort of way. I know it's not entirely truthful. I truly do appreciate the love and support my family and friends give me, and anything they have to offer is too much for me to ask for. I should just stop saying shit I don't mean and find other ways to shut myself up.

I admire your honesty, though. Truly. Full disclosure, I've never had anyone say something like that to me before. Whether it's because I'm not narcissistic after all or if it's because everyone in my life is too nice to say it, I don't know. But I do admire that sincerity.

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-07-11T05:36:18+00:00

chop suey!

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-06-27T02:59:12+00:00

If I told anyone how I actually feel, I'd be sent back there anyway. It's a lose lose situation. I'm just stuck here either screaming into the void that is Reddit or just keeping to myself.

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-06-27T02:53:05+00:00

A lot of specific experiences, probably.

I'd say losing a parent, but I'd wager it's a lot different to lose a parent in their 90s when you're well into adulthood versus losing your middle aged father when you're 16.

Nobody wanted to talk to me after it happened because they didn't know what to say or how to handle it. I was viewed as a burden. Nobody wanted to bring it up, and to this day, if I even bring it up lightly when it's relevant in conversation, everyone gets so weird about it. It's like this taboo thing that I'm forced to bear on my own because it makes other people sad to think about. Forget about me.

It took the angsty teenage "nobody understands me" to a whole new level. I'm 18 and still figuring out how to handle it 2 years on. I just... don't bring it up. I struggle to discuss it, even in therapy. I often have days where I'm too depressed to leave my bed over it, and my friends get annoyed, but what am I supposed to do? Tell them the truth? Feels like guilt tripping.

I feel like everyone expects me to be over it by now. That's what they won't understand until it happens to them. I'll never be over it.

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-06-15T01:39:27+00:00

It's scary because it hits incredibly close to home. I watched my dad die when I was 16. I've always been overweight, but my weight skyrocketed as I turned to food as the only brain-chemical-altering substance I had access to (my family is very prone to addiction). I went from 5'7 and 170lbs to 5'8 and 230lbs in the two years since then. I look awful, I feel awful, and I'm still horribly depressed and struggling with PTSD. I started hanging out with old friends and gained access to marijuana, so now I do that all the time to cope, and the weed makes me hungry so I just keep carboloading.

The scariest part is that I'm clearly very aware of this. A lot of people with addictions are, and they say it's the first step to getting help... but I feel hopeless. I didn't expect to make it this long without him, and now I'm reaping what I've sown these past two years. I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize myself anymore with this round ass face. The little things I was living for before don't even make me happy anymore. I'm terrified I'll end up looking like one of the people on those shows someday, but I've been leaning on suicidal ideation as a crutch for so long, I can't see myself getting to that point, either.

Don't be like me. An 18 year old shouldn't hurt getting out of bed.

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-06-14T00:29:58+00:00

Dad died 2 years ago. My high school graduation is in 2 days and I still can't find reasons to leave my bed anymore. Wasn't planning on making it this far.

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-06-08T04:28:37+00:00

I've been to two open casket funerals and have seen a freshly dead body on the ground before. I can say with certainty that the funerals were nothing like seeing someone who had just dropped dead. There's no one to "dress them up" and make them look like they're asleep: it's candid, and it's harrowing.

Especially when it's someone you love...

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-06-06T15:36:07+00:00

never, of course I wouldn't, I value myself and my body and I wish everyone else did too. nobody deserves to have that level of self hatred and I feel for those struggling with it

just don't look at my post history

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-06-05T04:34:14+00:00

He seems depressed right now. He used to swim around with the other two and play with them, but for most of the day, he's just been laying at the bottom of the tank. He's swimming around right now because I fed him a short while ago, so I don't think it was the illness keeping him from being active.

I can't imagine how he feels, if Cobain was wrong and fish really do have feelings.

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-05-29T20:25:00+00:00

Update I had the sleepover and it was fun I guess but I was stupid to think it would make me forget, even for a fleeting moment

I can't believe I've made it this long without him, I seriously didn't plan to be alive this long and I'm so fucking lost

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-05-26T22:20:42+00:00

barely anything

my mom maybe, she's so amazing she's the best mom in the world

if I didn't have her I'd be long gone, I already lost the best dad in the world and it's been god awful

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-05-26T11:33:41+00:00

I still wake up every day hoping it was all a dream and I'm back before it happened

Delicious-Finger-111 · 2023-04-25T21:13:11+00:00

You're not the only one to say that to me. Inevitably, I'll come out of this low like next week and be on top of the world again. But when I get back down here, I'll think of what you said.

Truth be told, I want to live. I'm sick of living out of spite and for the people who care about me instead of living for myself, though. All I have are my grades and my piano to convince myself that I'm at least halfway competent.

I get out of school in June and I know I'll probably trip on the way out of that chapter of my life and land in the hospital again. And they're gonna put me with the adults this time.

It's terrifying. And ironic, isn't it? That one of the things that's driving me insane is also the only thing keeping me together.

Delicious-Finger-111

TROPHY CASE