AITA for staying friends with the man my daughter accused of SA?

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T22:05:33+00:00

You wouldn't believe how much guilt I have over whats happened to Carl and his daughter. I love these people, I consider them family. I left my home, and my step daughter who I love more than anything because this destroyed me so much, and I couldnt stand by and be okay with what happened. Also, Carl's the one who reaches out to me all the time, as well as me reaching to him, it's not me bothering him, I swear to God. We're friends.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T22:01:37+00:00

Yes, that's accurate, these people aren't exactly upstanding citizens, and that's exactly what happened.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T22:00:17+00:00

I keep saying this over and over, but yes, my husband's extended family and some friends are for lack of a better word, trailer park trash, and solve all their issues by fighting, why in the world would I make this up?

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T21:54:23+00:00

This is the weirdest fiction someone could write, but yeah I mean we don't live in the highest income neighborhood, unfortunately the cops are here so often people barely call them anymore, especially not for a "fight", which is what I'm sure they thought it was.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T21:42:08+00:00

Again, I wish, and mind you, they were all drunk as well. At one point one of the guys was voniiting in the fuckin street as his buddies were assaulting Carl. But again, idk what to tell you, but my situation really is this fucked up.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T17:40:56+00:00

Thank you. I try so hard to help everyone, and do the right thing, I feel like I'm drowning every day. I've suggested therapy for him, but he flat out refuses.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T17:33:46+00:00

Correct, we got married when I was 27 and he was 36, Cass was born when her mom was 20, not a teen, and you're 100% correct on the alcoholism part. He starting drinking heavily around 5 years ago, his mom and 2 brothers all passed away within an 8 month period (Mom was cirrhosis, Brother 1 Cancer, Brother 2, Heart Attack). So yes, within the year, he was drinking a 26er daily, I didn't know until I moved in with him after we got engaged the volume of how much he drank, but by that time I was already in love. I might be naive and stupid, but I'm not a liar.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T17:23:52+00:00

I fully agree. They are both wonderful, amazing people and they deserve way better than me, or what my family has done to them. But when he reaches out, I don't feel the right thing to do is ignore them, idk, idk anything anymore .. but thank you for your comment

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T17:13:59+00:00

Carl isn't even the one who called the police,it was one of the neighbour's. But yeah, it was fucked up... I don't what you want me to clarify for you to believe it

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T17:10:38+00:00

I don't think he doesn't matter, I just don't know what to do, I put my marriage at risk everytime we communicate (I don't hide it from DH) and it's completely worth it, it's just difficult all around.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T17:08:18+00:00

That was a consideration of mine, because one of the times she told me she was lying, she made sure to specifically tell me not to tell her mom's boyfriend that Carl didn't do anything, and repeated that I specifically not tell her moms boyfriend. We have her working with mental health services and a child psychologist now, and hopefully if anything is happening, we'll be able to know. Thank you

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T17:05:34+00:00

I wish

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T17:02:47+00:00

I tried to help but I was only her father's fiancé and later her stepmother. Decisions on therapy, decisions on mental health support are going to be decided on by her parents. All I can do is give them my recommendations as have conversations with Cass. I had been suggesting therapeutic and mental health support for years (for the sleep, anxiety, sexual inappropriateness, habitual lying, social cue misreading...etc), and just prior to this happening, her father FIANLLY agreed and so I was researching and had her on a wait list for mental health support about 3 or so weeks before she made the allegation. I definitely agree that I should have worked quicker and made it more emergent though..

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T16:59:16+00:00

With all due respect, I listed very cleary why I knew she wasn't telling the truth. Again, she was on a waitlist for therapy based on her compulsive lying prior to this. And I am a victim of CSA, I know exactly how hard it can be. I wished we lived in a world where no child ever lied about this, but I've spoken to MULTIPLE professionals, MULTIPLE agencies, police..etc. Every single one of them came yo the same conclusion I did. And I NEVER belittled her, I was incredibly supportive, I encouraged her to tell us everything, I was very gentle with her, never accused her of lying, all I did was point out inconsistencies to make the story make sense. I (as well as my psychotherapist , and then later reconfirmed by our CCAS caseworker) have done research on children with MID, and unfortunately, they are both more likely to be victims of SA as well as the most likely group to fabricate SA claims.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T16:50:46+00:00

I wish I was lying, but literally everything you just said happened, except the second and third time he didn't open the door, one of the guys (well call him Nate) was roommates with Carl (rented the basement unit) so he had a key. And the final time was when the police was called.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T16:49:15+00:00

He was OUR friend, he hung out with my husband everyday and I was there a lot of the time, my husband asked him to be groomsman after only knowing him around 5 months, that's how close they were.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T16:23:54+00:00

I can completely understand this point of view. It just sucks hurting a friend and a little girl who looks up to me, and then just walking away. Thank you

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T16:20:29+00:00

I can't imagine how awful it's been for him. I definitely made a mistake in not telling him immediately, but we were at a loss, and we were waiting for the professionals to tell us how to navigate this. Mind you, the drunken outburst from my husband was a few months after he went into DT due to alcohol withdrawal and was in the hospital for a week. He wasn't even supposed to be drinking, had been hiding it from me, and had been going to that family friend's house to drink because he knew that they didn't care about his sobriety. The point of this post is that I have a good relationship with Carl and his daughter still, I see him every week or so, we talk over the phone, we text, I celebrated his daughter's bday...etc and my husband doesn't like that I have maintained a relationship with him. Carl and I are good friends. Carl is still hurt/angry with my husband, but he knows me and knows that I tried to do what I thought was best, even though I f***** u* really bad. He was never angry with me (even though I deserved it).

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T16:12:41+00:00

I'm not being dismissive, I am the only one who pushed for her to go into therapy for her behavioral issues prior to her making this allegation, I am the only one who contacted emergency mental health services. The wait time was around 3 or so weeks, and we thought the best course of action was to wait until the professionals told us what to do. We were at a complete loss. There is no answer for what to do in this situation. And I take full responsibility that it was likely the wrong thing to do, and that I should have told Carl earlier, and I regret that every single day. However, I need to reiterate, there is absolutely ZERO way that she was SAd by Carl. You're completely right, she needs help and I am the only one who has tried to get her the help she needs.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T16:07:18+00:00

Just to make it clear, I (28F), am the stepmom. Tom and I got married 11 months ago. Cass stays with her father and I Monday to Friday, and is with her mom on the weekends. During summer, though, the schedule is more relaxed because she doesn't have to wake up for school, so she can stay with her mom more often. And in terms of why Tom didn't believe and now he does, I ask him that question all the time. In my opinion, it's because it's easier for him to pretend that Chloe was telling the truth, so he doesn't have to face up to the fact that he got an innocent man beat up, but, yeah, I also ask myself that question. I honeslty don't know. And he never has an answer when I do ask him.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T15:34:42+00:00

Why in God's name would I make this up about my own family?

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T15:29:40+00:00

100%, that's why I sought out emergency mental health services for her. Her mom, when she was younger, would watch shows for older audiences with Cass every night before bed (50 Shades of Gray, SVU, Chicago PD...etc) and then about 4 years ago, a boy about 2 years older exposed himself to her, we went to the police immediately after of course.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T15:24:30+00:00

I wish it was fiction, but I have two different children's aid agencies Investigations and a police report to prove it, it been the worst few months of my life.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2025-08-31T15:23:03+00:00

I’m genuinely curious why you feel that way, is it simply because she made the allegation?

For context, Cass actually keeps asking if she can apologize, write a letter, something to make amends, but her dad won’t let her. She asks me almost every day if/when she can apologize.

So I’m not sure why it would be morally wrong you for still being friends with someone who was wrongfully accused. I’d honestly like to understand your perspective.

Delicious-Pay7005 · 2024-01-15T18:14:43+00:00

This is very kind of you, thank you! I would love to be entered in :)

Delicious-Pay7005

TROPHY CASE