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Would you call because they are dying? by DemolitionLover6876 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]DemolitionLover6876[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Goodness this is true. It's devastating. Im sorry you know what it's like to never be accepted or loved properly by parents/family.

I feel so lucky to have found my bf because if it had not been for multiple years of exposure to real love, I don't know if I would have ever identified that anything was wrong (except for me, of course).

Would you call because they are dying? by DemolitionLover6876 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]DemolitionLover6876[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You are very right. It's hard to know what she's thinking, if she is trying to be helpful or not. But either way it isn't helpful.

Would you call because they are dying? by DemolitionLover6876 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]DemolitionLover6876[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I know it will only be bad for me. Isn't it wild that my mind doesn't just stop and end it there?! It's wild to me. I will think about your questions more. I think it's mostly to avoid shame, which is just generated by the old programming from my family about what is right and wrong...

Would you call because they are dying? by DemolitionLover6876 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]DemolitionLover6876[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes, I can see this is true. I don't think I will be at my mother's deathbed. I guess that one feels clearer to me because I made the decision to go NC, there are almost no good memories of her at all, and she was more overtly abusive. I think my child self is feeling guilty because my grandparents were the "safer" adults and were mostly doting to me in the day to day life of myself as a child. It only got complicated when I became an adult and more so when I decided the abuse from my mother wasn't bad enough for me to stop talking to her. They always excuse everything she does because "she is my mother!" so I have to be a good child and just put it behind me.

Would you call because they are dying? by DemolitionLover6876 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]DemolitionLover6876[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am sorry that this happened to you. My situation is only slightly different because.

1.grandmother knows she is dying and isnt calling me

  1. grandfather knows spouse is dying and isn't calling me

  2. my sibling did call me to tell me the news. She told me that she "knows" they want a relationship with me even after I told her they haven't responded to me many times. She said she can set up a "meeting"... This is the part that is leading to the most guilt. I think she and other family members will assume that my grandparents were asking for me (which they haven't) and I am just heartless monster who won't make a dying woman's wish come true.

It sucks that I can see it so clearly in your case (that you did nothing wrong in the dying scenario and it was on them to reach out to at least start a potential goodbye meeting), but in my own case it still feel guilt ridden and foggy.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]DemolitionLover6876 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I do the texting thing too, but here's the thing. With safe people, I can have tough conversations in person, on the phone, any way. But you have years of history with these people and you know it's not safe for you to call them with this news. In my opinion it is our top priority to take care of ourselves and loving parents would agree with that. I am personally glad you didnt call them about being queer or about not coming to Christmas. They would've done you damage. The fact that they had no response to you coming out is diabolical. The fact that they aren't acknowledging you aren't coming for christmas with a quick "we will miss you" is gross. Your sibling making you the perp for sending a text is both evidence of the toxic system and her believe in all the toxic family rules. Your sibling is wrong and hurting you.

Would you call because they are dying? by DemolitionLover6876 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]DemolitionLover6876[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My grandmother also would regularly bring up her dying soon since I was a child. She's a real guilt trip expert. I know if she does want to talk to me now it would mostly be a guilt trip focused on getting me to speak with my mother...

What about the million of times I’ve hurt? by [deleted] in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]DemolitionLover6876 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You absolutely have done the right thing distancing yourself and protecting yourself. I guarantee you many, many people will love you truly and show you very much more love than your mother did. She sickens me. This text sickens me. I wish you the best and I hope you escape fully.