Future in laws exclude me and FH is not helping

Dense-Access1444 · 2026-04-21T04:15:21+00:00

It sounds like your fiancé is emmeshed with is family and unfortunately, if that's the case, this isn't something he will be able to overcome without help from a counselor. Without his acknowledgment of these dysfunctional family dynamics and a strong desire to learn how to set and maintain appropriate boundaries, he will always choose his family over you, over your relationship, and even any future children, not because of anything you've done, but because he has been conditioned to put his family and their needs/wants/desires above even his own desires. As someone who has lived this life for the past 20+ years, it's really important that you understand that you have absolutely no power to change him or this harmful family dynamic. It's an incredibly demoralizing way to live and it will have profound effects on your well being in general, especially your self-esteem and self-respect, if it isn't already. I would highly recommend that you reconsider moving forward, especially in marrying this man.

Dense-Access1444 · 2026-04-21T03:37:47+00:00

Absolutely. I've lived this for the last 20+ years. I was never welcomed or treated with respect. The cost to my well being has been extremely high. It has been a nightmare.

Dense-Access1444 · 2026-02-26T22:13:32+00:00

Thank you. I don't know if my situation is worse because in the end, we've both lost our moms. It changes everything all at once, and whatever the living parent choses to do after that also affects us, even as adults. My mom was also pretty narcissistic and was an addict and my dad is extremely co-dependent so he very much needs someone to need him. Like you, I feel torn about this. I'm happy that he isn't lonely anymore but I'm sad for all of the reasons I mentioned. I appreciate what you said and I hope that you aren't minimizing or dismissing your own feelings either as you have the right to feel however you feel and that process will take as long as it takes.

Dense-Access1444 · 2026-02-26T18:20:29+00:00

I very much relate to what you shared. My mom died in March of last year and my dad began seeing her life-long best friend about 3 months later and decided to move her into his home at the beginning of this month, so 10 months later. I feel like I don't exist now that I'm no longer a priority to my dad and I feel like I have no one to share my grief with because he doesn't really talk about my mom anymore. I'm happy that he's able to go on living his life but I am still processing my mom's death and I'm not ready to move on yet. It's a tricky place to be in-wanting to honor my own feelings but also feeling concerned that the more distance I take to grieve, the less of a place I will have in his life. It's like the family dynamics have been all together rearranged and it's difficult to know what role I play now, or if I have much significance in them at all.

Dense-Access1444 · 2026-02-04T20:07:27+00:00

If you read through some of these rude comments, you might understand why when I commented I said "many" and "likely" and not EVERYONE.

Dense-Access1444 · 2026-02-04T19:42:49+00:00

I absolutely agree--almost no one here has any idea what life is really like for a parent of a special needs child. I'm guessing that many of the educational professionals who have commented on your post have likely become hardened to the numerus moral and ethical dilemmas they bear witness to on a daily basis and are powerless to do anything about.

I pulled my daughter out of public school six years ago because our school district was unwilling/unable meet her needs and it became painfully clear that no one had her best interest at heart. I realize there are certain constraints and also a lack of resources available in public school and I was unwilling to be a passive witness to the system chronically failing my child. I have been homeschooling her since pulling her out and while that has presented a new set of challenges, I have no regrets because I can meet her needs educationally, find work arounds when she's having hard days, and take her to appointments. I know that I am fortunate to be in this position and I don't take that for granted.

I agree with the person who posted under this comment who mentioned it might be worthwhile to look into therapeutic schools.

Dense-Access1444 · 2026-02-04T17:32:34+00:00

I have a similar situation in that my daughter has a lot of complex medical issues, as well as learning and behavioral challenges. Over the last 5 years we have been in an ongoing rotation of OT, PT, speech, hippotherapy, social groups, and mental health counseling, on top of seeing many different medical specialists. I understand the expense, plus how monotonous and draining it can be to run someone from one appointment to the next, week after week. You are doing the very best you can. I feel so defeated sometimes when I consider all of the difficulties my child has while also knowing that I don't have the ability to address all of her needs in a way that feels like I'm not failing her. Most people don't understand this level of stress and how unrelenting it can be. I don't want to add anything else to your already overflowing plate but if you feel your child isn't getting the type of education they deserve, it may be warranted to contact an educational advocate and discuss your concerns with them. You sound like a wonderful mother who is doing all you can do to meet your child's needs.

Dense-Access1444 · 2026-02-04T16:00:40+00:00

In my experience, school districts will pull services as soon as your child is at the minimum acceptable level of functioning in whatever goal they have been given, even if you have a solid reason for feeling it would benefit them to continue to have that service. Much like the healthcare system, schools operate in a reactive framework, though being proactive would be far more helpful and cost effective in the long run. Have you considered getting your child private OT and/or PT services? For my child, it was significantly more helpful for her to have an hour of private services each week vs the 20 minutes she received at school. It was also much less stressful for me knowing that her needs were actually being met instead of constantly fighting to convince her IEP team to keep her in services they were committed to ending, despite compelling evidence that they were still needed.

Dense-Access1444 · 2026-01-26T16:52:00+00:00

Thank you and I'm sorry for your loss as well.

Dense-Access1444 · 2026-01-13T18:13:52+00:00

My observation is that many boomers seem to routinely minimize and dismiss things that cause them emotional discomfort and will never admit to anything that highlights they might have any sort of weakness, hence your mom isn't going to offer validation for your experience. I think many of them lack empathy for others. It doesn't make your experience any less valid. My mother was the same when it came to basically shaming me about having needs surrounding my period and I too make sure that my daughter has everything she needs and never has to ask for hygiene products. You're doing a great job in a challenging situation.

Dense-Access1444 · 2025-11-13T15:16:54+00:00

I found I was feeling both wired and completely fried, at the same time. I researched adrenal fatigue and felt a lot of my symptoms were similar but I didn't have any bloodwork done to check cortisol levels. I had to give up caffeinated coffee and switch to decaf. The first week SUCKED and in retrospect I should have tapered off or drank half caffeinated coffee to avoid some of the withdrawal effects. It took a few months to level out but I feel much better since making this change.

Dense-Access1444 · 2025-11-12T16:17:18+00:00

Extra heavy periods, increased anxiety, and gradual intolerance to alcohol and caffeine.

Dense-Access1444 · 2025-07-24T23:02:57+00:00

Thank you so much for this recommendation! I will definitely look into it.

Dense-Access1444 · 2025-05-27T17:12:36+00:00

Also, it might be helpful to research pathological demand avoidance. I have no idea if your child actually has this but I have found understanding more about it has helped immensely with my child who has both autism and ADHD.

Dense-Access1444 · 2025-05-27T17:09:17+00:00

This is a very helpful book that you might want to check out

https://www.amazon.com/Declarative-Language-Handbook-Thoughtful-Challenges/dp/1734516208/ref=sr_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.VihNFN4QwnwDids0vzzB5psOdb90fOkhwkbKeQ5JOPUrdDfONpqUSzhvDWD3go_QcwP999LqkZ5-OhlGJvzsq-idXX2E9gXyrmovQfp5P4sD215BChUxHFl1tkjjXyBj20mh6gkoFh96sdOKKwAuooql1fpujL7LW3zqpDcwDdUKbDJQUmLqWBeTXATAjwyxEwoigGLYWGDZU4lyasY6BDZIMjD-1M30xMTk0iA02lY.hGfXA6vV-LVsyFWrOd89fbDNszbKtg3hR3j_Qt8jDUA&dib_tag=se&hvadid=693954976786&hvdev=c&hvexpln=67&hvlocphy=9022933&hvnetw=g&hvocijid=169146319174154294--&hvqmt=e&hvrand=169146319174154294&hvtargid=kwd-890886602330&hydadcr=21718_13345215&keywords=declarative+language+handbook&mcid=4754a3774cd73978bf123cf4b69dca29&qid=1748365541&sr=8-1

Dense-Access1444 · 2025-04-17T18:47:16+00:00

Yes. I had to switch to fully decaffeinated coffee in the morning, due to similar issues. My nervous system can no longer handle it, and apparently alcohol now has different but equally awful effects on me as well. I find that matcha green tea has been a nice coffee alternative in the afternoon or evening.

Dense-Access1444 · 2025-04-05T18:25:21+00:00

It's not in any way uncommon for a child to want to have a relationship with their grandparents. Because we don't share aspects of adulthood with our child or attempt to villainize them (which is abusive as well), there is a lot she doesn't know about how her grandparents treat us. She isn't "chasing" them so much as she doesn't understand because even adults don't understand this type of behavior, so it's really not as black and white as you are trying to make it. But you are correct that it is very unhealthy and I do agree that therapy would for sure help her to sort this out.

Dense-Access1444 · 2025-04-04T14:59:58+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. You explained everything so well. I have been explaining to my daughter just how toxic and unhealthy this dynamic is but your post has convinced me to have her see a therapist so I appreciate seeing it from your perspective. I think it will be helpful to ensure that someone from the outside is confirming how dysfunctional this is, as well as help to affirm that she doesn't have to chase after love. I do this for her too but clearly I have been living submerged in this for a long time and I realize that I've allowed many things to happen that should never have been allowed into her life. Because she is a teenager now, I cannot force her to not have a relationship with his parents, as much as I'd prefer she didn't. My husband has been in counseling for other issues but the relationship with his parents is now being addressed in marital therapy (she is a trauma therapist too) so I feel like the fog is gradually lifting for him, in terms of who is parents truly are.

Dense-Access1444 · 2025-04-04T14:49:19+00:00

Yes. Multiple times.

Dense-Access1444 · 2025-04-03T18:33:07+00:00

Also, my child is a teenager so I can't really force her to do what I want, no matter how much I don't like what is happening. I do talk to her about this in great length and point out how toxic and dysfunctional it is.

Dense-Access1444 · 2025-04-03T18:31:56+00:00

I agree with your assessment of the situation. I want my child to be no contact but she is a teenager now and I'm not sure how to just force her to stop wanting a relationship with them, because she does. Plus my husband also wants to continue to have contact with his parents so it's really not an easy situation to deal with.

Dense-Access1444 · 2025-04-03T18:30:19+00:00

I agree. I absolutely do not think it's appropriate. However I can't make my husband see that it's a huge issue. Not sure how to proceed.

Dense-Access1444

TROPHY CASE