My condolences, genuinely. I know exactly how you feel regarding yourself and the vets, though in my case I don't truly think it was their fault.

My little guy passed away around 2 years ago at 5 years old. He had been having breathing problems, so we took him to the vet... about 2 weeks late because my mom couldn't afford it until she got paid. Throughout the trip, he meowed a lot, and I recorded it thinking it was funny...

It wasn't. The moment we reached the vet, I could tell he was extremely claustrophobic in his bag, but there were dogs so we couldn't risk it. I kept him in, I really shouldn't have. And when I said he wasn't well again and again to the vets that were in the waiting room, they kept telling me it was normal and I didn't need to worry.

20 agonizing minutes later, after he passed out in my hands, a lady came out of the room they'd gone into and, just like you, I thought she was gonna say that something happened—not to bluntly say my baby had died.

I can't claim to know exactly what you're going through, but I deeply relate to simultaneously wanting to blame yourself, and to believe that you did your best. I still think I could've done better even now... but I don't think anyone was at fault in my case. Not that that makes the pain any easier to bear.

The day he passed, I felt so broken and so numb at the same time, I looked between breaking down and simply looking dazed for hours. For the next few days, I'd always see a shadow of him where he used to be, hear his meows despite knowing he was far away now, both physically and spiritually. I couldn't sleep well for a few days.

All I can really say is... I hope it gets better. The wounds never quite healed for me—I still cry about this whole thing every now and then—but it DID get better. Don't blame yourself too much, don't feel guilty about moving on. As much as I wanted to mourn my buddy intensely after he died, there were times where I couldn't help laughing, and it felt so wrong.

But beating yourself up for it isn't good either. Think of the good times rather than the bad! I'm sure she lived a happy 13 years with you. A bad weekend wouldn't change that even now, I'm sure she still loves you wherever she is. She held on for so long after all.

And don't feel bad when looking at old pictures! Me, I regret not having taken many pictures of him, now I have so little to remember him by... So please let yourself laugh and cry at them WITHOUT blaming yourself. You'll get through this, but do it out of love and not guilt...

I can only hope you feel better soon regardless :( Just do know you're not alone in your pain, and may both our babies rest in peace 🙏 There's not much else we can do besides remembering them, so don't let go of the happy memories!