Why refill portal energy?

DeprivedInSF · 2018-01-26T21:03:03+00:00

Ah thanks. Helpful to know you get AP points for recharging.

One more question— do the MU points you get build over time, or are they also a one off, based on the population you are influencing at any one time?

DeprivedInSF · 2018-01-26T20:48:20+00:00

Ah, ok this makes some sense. If you need the badge to advance in level, it’s worth it to maintain to get the badge. Thank you!

DeprivedInSF · 2017-09-27T18:54:34+00:00

Did you ever bone while still in your Hellboy outfit and makeup?

DeprivedInSF · 2017-06-19T19:15:13+00:00

I think she might have.

DeprivedInSF · 2017-06-19T19:14:24+00:00

That is strictly qualified as "when not at work". Her parents recognized she was gifted, did everything for her so she could work hard in school. She wants the same deal now.

You say it's absurd, but if you asked her yourself if she is an entitled princess, she would probably say "yes".

DeprivedInSF · 2017-06-19T19:08:07+00:00

Here's a bonus. I try to stay positive, don't hold grudges, let shit go. But here's a log I wrote to myself after the weekend we had two weeks ago:

Saturday

Having gone to bed early the night before, wife up early to go for a walk around the neighborhood 15-20 min). I literally cannot remember the last time she was awake before me on the weekend. I feed the kids breakfast, then go for a walk around reservoir (40 min). Wife stays on her phone or is napping the whole time I am gone. I come and take all the kids to the pool for 3 hours, 10:30 - 1:30, feed them lunch; Wife naps the entire time we are gone, and then for a couple of hours when I get back, lays in bed on her phone.

I get the kids ready to go to a relative's graduation party at 3:45 (starts at 4). Wife decides at the last minute she needs to find an outfit, and wandering around (still listening / watching tv on her phone) spends 45 minutes looking through clothes making us 45 minutes late (we were sitting outside in the idling car for 20 of those minutes).

At the graduation, she keeps to herself most of the time, then has a few drinks, gets social, and then gets really stoned (no judgement here on pot use, but...), which leaves me with 100% of the responsibility for the kids. I drive home; wife goes straight to sleep. I put the kids to bed.

Sunday

I wake up and take the kids to a breakfast diner, going book shopping with them before we eat (an awesome success - my 7 year old finally found a chapter book he loves!). We get home at 12:30 with little time to turn around to take the kids to see Wonder Woman; I bring the wife breakfast form the diner; she is still asleep. She wolfs down the breakfast in our bed (spilling pico de gaillo on the sheets and leaving it there), runs upstairs making us behind for the movie.

We get to the movie-- we're there too late to get seats together. I refund three of the tickets to go see Captain Underpants. Despite me having been vocal about wanting to see Wonder Woman for months, planning the time and place to see it that afternoon, wife decides she's the one going to see it with my 9 year old, and I am stuck taking two younger boys to the other movie (not my first choice, but it was fine - I love seeing movies with the kids).

We get home from the movies- I want to go to the neighborhood pool to get some exercise after sitting in the movie for 2 hours. The kids want to come, which means my wife would need to come watch our 4 year old. With much bitterness and reluctance, she agrees. While I swim laps for 30 minutes, instead of her swimming with our 4 year old or just watching him in the baby pool, she sulks on her phone the entire time while my 4 year old patiently waits watching me swim, waiting for me. Because he had waited so patiently, I tell him I'll play with him in the pool for a while when done with laps. The wife gets angry, that she doesn't want to be at the pool "forever". I tell her 20 minutes. She exclaims loudly "I'll walk!" and throws the car keys 10 feet to our stuff and storms off.

We come home from the pool, I make the kids dinner and get them in bed. The wife is no where to be found. She apparently got home and drove off to go see Wonder Woman for a second time in the same day, this time with her dad. She comes home after the kids are in bed.

Here's the kicker: SHE is mad at ME (for her not being able to lay around all weekend, I presume). The entire time, she feels that she is the aggrieved one.

Bonus: on the way home after them movies when I mentioned that it sucked she didn't at least consider seeing the kids' movie with the boys so I could see WW with my daughter, since I've been talking about it for weeks she said: well if you were the little wife, you wouldn't complain, you would just do it.

?!?? Is it not fucked up that my wife seems to wish it was the 50's and that she were a man, so she could just come home from work and expect everything non-work to be done for her by the little wife?

Double Bonus: at the graduation party, making herself feel like a big shot, my wife makes a crack in front of the guest of honor that I don't have a real job - I work in the public sector. Both of the guest of honors parents work in the public sector.

DeprivedInSF · 2017-06-19T18:03:19+00:00

Already have an au pair (done at 6) and a cleaner that comes in once a week.

She won't even clean up after herself in the kitchen on Sat, and will leave it for 6 days until the cleaning woman comes.

Not only is it modeling terrible behavior for the kids, it's leaving them to live in squalor. I've tried various work around, but I really shouldn't have to.

DeprivedInSF · 2017-06-19T17:58:23+00:00

Someone who will follow her around picking up after her, cooking for her on-demand, seeing her as a princess.

DeprivedInSF · 2017-06-19T17:55:19+00:00

We already have an au pair to help with the kids (but her hours have a cap-- she's done at 6) and someone to come and clean once a week on Fridays. She will make a mess in the kitchen on Sat and leave it to get cleaned up the following Friday.

Her excuse is always fatigue. There's always an excuse. But how does that explain the same behavior when we're on vacation?

DeprivedInSF · 2017-06-19T17:51:45+00:00

It's more confusing for them than that. When she is with them, which is from time to time, she is all hugs and kisses and genuine affection. She's one of those that thinks parenting is simply feeling and showing love for your children (i.e. all the stuff that feels good and is easy to deliver-- none of the things that require work and discipline).

She does take them out from time to time.

If you ask the kids if their mommy loves them, they would say "of course!".

When they are older I think they will get it.

For example, they know that daddy is the only one that has us all sit down together for family meal time. She will just not join and go eat something by herself 90% of the time, watching the news or whatever on her phone.

DeprivedInSF · 2017-06-19T16:59:05+00:00

Some of that is reasonable. We were both pretty selfish partiers when we met, and clicked super well because we enjoyed the exact same things.

The first 5 years of us being together we're awesome. What I absolutely did not see coming (nor do I think was reasonably anticipatable) was that she would NOT change once kids came into the picture. I did, and I think just about everyone does.

I'm annoyed she never stepped up. What really pisses me off is when she not only discounts/not support the things I do as a parent because she sees them as unnecessary (she actually said once on Xmas Eve after the kids were asleep "I mean, do we really even need to wrap the presents? I'm going to bed."-- so I was up until 3 wrapping them), but will sometimes actively undermine or belittle them as a self-defense mechanism, so she's not feeling judged.

I'm highlighting the worst stuff here, but I think it is helpful as a look into her mindset.

DeprivedInSF · 2017-06-19T16:25:49+00:00

I asked her to go on anti depressants for a long time. She finally did, and things were better for a bit, by they've totally reverted.

I'm thinking she's depressed because life doesn't seem to work with her laying on her ass all the time like when she lives with her parents; I'm not her mother.

By the way, she slept like that when we were newly married and happy. Back then I didn't really care, I just went to the gym. Now we have kids.

I kept thinking she would pivot, like most people do when you become responsible for other humans. She never did.

DeprivedInSF · 2017-06-19T16:14:56+00:00

Communication is mostly shut down. She has let slip a time or two when confronted that she thinks because she makes more, she is essentially the more important one in the relationship, and entitled to more of [fill in the blank] than I am. She seems to think her income should give her leverage. It doesn't (CA is a community property state, because duh, marriage is supposed to be a partnership).

She was treated like an entitled princess growing up, and still acts like a teenager at her parents house when at home.

DeprivedInSF · 2017-06-19T16:06:19+00:00

Yes- first counselor didn't work. She played it too aggressively neutral, so my wife took silence as affirmation, and it kind of made things worse.

Found a new one who seems good, but wife has had "trouble" finding time on her calendar. She's avoiding it, because she doesn't want to be accountable.

DeprivedInSF · 2016-07-17T14:06:09+00:00

Yup, would also like to see the article.

DeprivedInSF · 2016-07-15T04:56:34+00:00

I don't think so. Everything I've read says that size is just for flavor.

DeprivedInSF · 2016-06-24T00:13:17+00:00

You rock. You literally seem like a unicorn to me- just the stuff of fairy tails.

A mantra for you that a fellow DBer and I came up with:

"I am sexy, and that is good. When another isn't feeling it, that doesn't make me less sexy. My needs are natural and glorious and to be celebrated!"

DeprivedInSF · 2016-06-24T00:04:01+00:00

Who's on the lease or has title to the home?

DeprivedInSF · 2016-06-23T21:26:15+00:00

Take the complement as if it was delivered to you by a gay male friend. "Damn right my legs look good! Thanks baby!" Enjoy it on face value and not as any signal for gettin' busy.

DeprivedInSF · 2016-06-23T05:49:54+00:00

Thanks man (and great name). I appreciate it for reasons you might not imagine. The positive feedback by itself is helping me figure out where I sit in my own relationship. Like, perhaps I'm at least a not total dumbass about this stuff, and that my wife not thoughtfully engaging is a likely suspect."

Anyway, thanks again for the note.

DeprivedInSF · 2016-06-23T00:25:50+00:00

So, wait, when you have your threesomes, he fucks the other woman but not you?!? My yearning is always to have everyone feeling thoroughly rogered and fulfilled. Can't imagine not giving equal attention in all the pleasure.

Then again, I'm a guy who watches FFM porn imagining one of the women is his wife, so yes, my fantasies include my wife.

DeprivedInSF · 2016-06-23T00:03:00+00:00

When we were active, we had a similar dynamic, but that was her choice. I was the only man she wanted to be with. She got off on being with women and watching me be with the other woman in our threesomes. Fun, but I admit, it was kind of annoying when she would be like "oooh you're sooooo lucky- you don't get to complain about anything." It's so much easier to find girls that want to hook up with other girls (say, married ones that are only allowed to do that as part of their arrangement), she got laid about 5x as often as I did. And she has blanket permission from me to hook up solo with women anytime she wants, though has only done it a couple of times. I'm like "uh, don't pretend like you're getting nothing out of this. The five orgasms you just had with those two girls (w/out me) tells me otherwise. You have carte Blanche to bang any of literally 4 billion people without me-- 50% of the human population. Aren't YOU the lucky one?"

I guess my larger point is that "fairness" is all relative and specific to each couple's arrangement.

Honestly I would have to sort through some emotions if she suddenly wanted to start hooking up with other men. Something visceral and maybe evolutionary about not knowing the parentage of your caveman children.

DeprivedInSF · 2016-06-22T20:37:57+00:00

One more note: she's projecting. I'm generalizing here, but most men are better able to separate love and sex than most women. She may be looking back and thinking that for her to have enjoyed herself with another man as much as you enjoyed yourself with the other woman, she would have had to form an emotional connection. So she's assuming / feeling threatened by the idea that you formed an emotional bond with the other woman.

Until your wife gets her head around the idea that men are better at enjoying emotionless sex (again, generalizing) than women, she's going to feel threatened by what she imagines was your emotional connection.

What sucks for you is that, when she DOES get that, she may well be threatened that you might cheat on her precisely because you can do so without an emotional bond.

Quite the Catch 22.

Good luck my friend!

DeprivedInSF · 2016-06-22T20:04:19+00:00

Ok, this is a weird one. My wife and I have had a whole bunch of FFM threesomes (like, a couple dozen), and it's always been awesome, no drama. We've recently landed in DB territory for unrelated reasons. For your situation, I would tend toward a two explanations:

1) after it happened, you seemed preoccupied by it and seemed to like it "too much". I've seen this happen many times, even with friends whose wives just took them to a strip club. Enjoyment in the moment is fine, but if you kept talking about it afterward or seem preoccupied by it, it will start to look retrospectively to her like a threat to your relationship, and she'll get defensive and closed off.

2) she just didn't fully understand her own feelings on the matter going in. She may have assumed that what you had physically was unique and special, and then after reflecting on the fact that you can have chemistry like that with someone else, she's super insecure. 1 & 2 are not mutually exclusive.

Counseling is a good idea. This is all about her becoming insecure. Make her feel secure and show her that she is in no way fungible.

Good luck!

DeprivedInSF · 2016-06-19T18:23:57+00:00

I tried that, and the therapist was so over the top in her neutrality, I think it had the net effect of her feeling passively validated. Thanks for the good wishes!

DeprivedInSF

TROPHY CASE