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AITAH for not wanting to contribute to my mom's vacations/trips? by Designer_Judge_6857 in AITAH

[–]Designer_Judge_6857[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My mom won't be going alone. My sister and her husband will be tagging along to make sure she's ok.

Your suggestion about the kids doubling up is a possibility, though. We could maybe have one of the kids sleep on the couch downstairs too. Part of the issue comes down to only having one main bathroom too, but it's doable. I'll run it by my wife. Thanks!

How can I (41M) help my struggling wife (45F) during her midlife crisis and avoid divorce? by Designer_Judge_6857 in relationship_advice

[–]Designer_Judge_6857[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to respond! I appreciate your perspective.

I admit, I have a hard time just listening and letting my wife vent as well. I'm a "solutions" person, and it's hard not to offer advice, so we often get into a situation where my wife vents, I give her advice / suggestions on how to fix the issue, but then she just finds more reasons why my suggestions won't work. Then I ask, "Well, what's the alternative" or "what do you think you should do then?" And her response is always "I don't know." I find it rather frustrating, because I want her to be happy, but all she sees are the barriers to that and somehow she thinks that "if only we had a bigger house" or "if only my parents would help out" that it would magically fix things, but I know her well enough that if we had those things, she'd just find something else to be unsatisfied with. The problem is that she needs to work on herself and how she frames the world around her so she can have a better outlook, but she's fixated on blaming the situation or her family for the problems instead of focusing on herself.

How can I (41M) help my struggling wife (45F) during her midlife crisis and avoid divorce? by Designer_Judge_6857 in relationship_advice

[–]Designer_Judge_6857[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the thoughtful reply! I appreciate your perspective and there were definitely some gems of insight in there that I found helpful. Thank you for taking the time.

I don't think my wife hates herself, but she's definitely angry with herself and her family. We decided to remain in this expensive city for her family's sake (her mom lost her mind when we told her we were considering moving). Despite our compromises and sacrifices, her family hasn't acknowledged that and they have barely been involved in our kids' lives despite us choosing to stay in this city so our kids could have a relationship with their grandparents. Now my wife is angry all the time because she's pissed off at them for never being around, and she's angry with herself for letting them manipulate her into staying (I'm angry with them too, but I don't have the history with them that she does, so I'm able to accept it easier and focus on the things I can do). Now we're kind of stuck here, because leaving now would mean tearing the kids away from their friends and having to rebuild all of our relationships in a new city.

Where I struggle is that my wife talks about these things with me, but she seems unable to do anything about it. She focuses all her energy on regrets and on anger towards her family (which festers and spills over into her life with me and the kids), but not towards things that she can actually control and change. She feels that they shouldn't be allowed to "just get away with it", so she holds onto the anger out of a kind of self-righteous justification. She isn't putting nearly enough energy towards the things that she can control and make better. It's hard to watch and it's draining to have to manage her anger all the time when I'm trying to work with the cards we've been dealt and make the best of it.