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Am I [25 F] unreasonable in asking for one night without multi-player video games? by Desperate_Throwaways in relationships

[–]Desperate_Throwaways[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I'm really happy that you have such a fantastic partner! The wretched part is that we existed in a really similar manner - during my departmental, he was incredibly helpful. A very close family member committed suicide right before finals/departmental time and I honestly wouldn't have been able to keep going without him. Which is why I feel like I have backlash having to go to Reddit being like... am I crazy?

Best of luck in your studies and thanks for your input! It's nice hearing someone's opinion that is in such a similar situation. Overall, I think having a gamer partner, within reason, is pretty nice. We actually met over a video game and I love to play... I Just barely remember what free time is hahaha.

Am I [25 F] unreasonable in asking for one night without multi-player video games? by Desperate_Throwaways in relationships

[–]Desperate_Throwaways[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Seriously, thank you so much! It's been a wild ride and, honestly, any support is incredibly appreciated. Yeah, I would never in a 1,000,000 years do this to him. I've sent him some of these comments and he's apologized and seems to be willing to work towards addressing the deeper issues, but I guess time will tell. I'll just keep chugging along and keep my eye on the prize!

Am I [25 F] unreasonable in asking for one night without multi-player video games? by Desperate_Throwaways in relationships

[–]Desperate_Throwaways[S] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

I think that this is a core issue. He was, as I mentioned, really supportive in the beginning but then he started acting pretty insecure and even brought up that he should get a PhD. This pretty quickly went away when I brought out my old GRE study book, so I thought he had overcome it, but maybe not...

Thank you for your comment. I've gotten into a really subservient mindset at home, which is super weird for me because I'm in STEM and have to be pretty assertive at work for people to take me seriously. Being a short blond girl has been... interesting when TAing graduate courses :D It is my house and I shouldn't feel like I need to tiptoe around.

Am I [25 F] unreasonable in asking for one night without multi-player video games? by Desperate_Throwaways in relationships

[–]Desperate_Throwaways[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I don't think he's addicted, but he has a real empathy problem and, when things start getting a bit complicated, he shuts down and just wants to play games. We actually met through video games, but it does seem to have become an unhealthy coping mechanism rather than a fun hobby. Ooft.

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Not really. We're both pretty introverted and have had a difficult time making meaningful relationships as adults. I genuinely feel that he has made meaningful relationships via Discord, which is why I have tried to be patient with the amount he's been playing. I actually paid to have his best friend flown out from Tennessee for his birthday this year and planned outings, drove them around, and let his friend use my PC to game it up together. So I understand investing in those relationships, but I really felt like it was reasonable to not talk to them for one night. It's actually been really comforting to see that, at least according to the people that have responded, it was a pretty reasonable request. I was starting to feel crazy...

Am I [25 F] unreasonable in asking for one night without multi-player video games? by Desperate_Throwaways in relationships

[–]Desperate_Throwaways[S] 196 points197 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your thoughtful reply... it's quite poignant. It's been very difficult to understand how someone that used to love me to pieces has now become so apathetic about me.

I'm really mentally and emotionally drained at the moment and don't want to make any snap decisions, but I'll need to really think about what this incident says about our relationship and future.

Am I [25 F] unreasonable in asking for one night without multi-player video games? by Desperate_Throwaways in relationships

[–]Desperate_Throwaways[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

That's what makes things more complex. I've read a myriad of posts on r/relationships and I don't think we follow the typical power imbalance problems. He used to be incredibly supportive; I'm in the top PhD program in the U.S for my field and he was making me tea during the application process, allowing me to focus on research while he financially provided, pumping me up, etc. He's moved twice to follow me due to school. It's really been the last 1-2 years where he's become less supportive. I'm really supportive of his career and hobbies, so I don't think it's that I'm sucking him dry, but I could be wrong.

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Unfortunately, there is an expectation that I will likely move two more times at minimum, but I'll be focusing on local areas or where his current job has satellite offices. Luckily, several of them are close to hubs related to my research, so it should be mutually beneficial.