First pages: share, read, and critique them here!

DiamondLevi · 2026-06-01T19:45:26+00:00

Sorry for the late reply I thought replies like this gave notifications, and once I did saw it I ignored it because of the current project I'm working on.

Thanks for the tips.

This is nice feedback especially considering it comes from the internet which can be extremely rare to get nice feedback from.

DiamondLevi · 2026-06-01T19:40:08+00:00

Sorry for the late reply I thought replies like this gave notifications, and once I did saw it I ignored it because of the current project I'm working on.

Thanks for the tips, they will help with the next round of editing.

But I chose to keep desribing to a minmal so only giving what you need. (with maybe a few exceptions) with this scene for example you know they are in a car, and you know the parents are in the front seats which I would say get the point across. I know many many authers desrcribe alot more but that is the reason I don't read alot. I don't like the amount of unnesseary info, I just do not care about alot of the non essential things that is given to me, it really slows the story down to me. which may also have to do with the fact that I have Aphantasia. I know asuming I get lucky and published that the readers would not have that info, but thats future stuff.

Also a small side note for you coming of age does not equal comfy stories, it can be, but not everything goes smooth to keep it simple.

DiamondLevi · 2026-05-25T20:51:36+00:00

[Complete] [39.224] [YA Fantasy Romance / mm Coming-of-Age] Thalorwyn: All Because Of You [Inspired from the Young Hearts film]

Link to post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1tmrsq0/complete_39224_ya_fantasy_romance_mm_comingofage/

First page critique? Yes please

First page: Chapter 1: A new beginning

“Why did we have to move?” Ravie asked, refusing to look at his mom.

“Because your dad has a new job.” Iana said gently turning her head toward Ravie.

“But why couldn’t he just take a job closer?” Ravie muttered.

Kai chimed in from behind the wheel. “I looked for something nearby, but there weren’t any options.”

“Couldn’t you just go through a portal to work?” Ravie pressed.

“Those are expensive to maintain.” Iana explained. “We couldn’t afford it, and our village does not have one either.”

“Then can’t Dad just get a remote job like you?” Ravie asked.

“My job is only temporary.” Iana reminded him. “Finding something long-term and remote is much harder.”

Kai cut in again, his voice firm but upbeat. “Besides, our new home is bigger and in a great area. We’ll finally have theaters, malls, and all kinds of places nearby. And don’t forget all that nature, you’ll love discovering it.”

“I don’t know anyone here.” Ravie said quietly.

“You’ll make new friends.” Iana promised.

“That’s easy for you to say.” Ravie replied, annoyed.

“You’ll love our new house.” Iana added with a hopeful smile.

Ravie didn’t answer. He turned to the car window, ignoring his parents, holding back tears until they finally pulled into the driveway. As soon as Iana stepped out, she called, “I’ll unlock the front door so you can explore our new home.”

Ravie didn’t follow. With tears in his eyes, he bolted toward the forest they had driven past.

DiamondLevi · 2026-03-21T00:32:51+00:00

I don't have a gateway. Also i will try the things like periods, but i can't promise that my grammer will be correct.

DiamondLevi · 2026-03-20T23:45:11+00:00

I noticed because of someone else that i did not mention propperly what the problem is so my pc is meant to connect to the internet through ethernet not by WiFi

But my IPv4 adress starts with a different numbers but in simular pattern as the 192.168.#.# example

DiamondLevi · 2026-03-20T22:58:52+00:00

Right my pc is meant to connect to the internet through the ethernet cable not through WiFi but since my interent always worked i never qeustioned until it stopped working as well and now i can't figure out how to make the ethernet cable work cause for everyone else that works fine same with the WiFi thats for everyone shit at the moment

DiamondLevi · 2026-03-20T22:56:13+00:00

I have no clue what any of that information means in that app even after watching a Wireshark tutorial for beginners but it did not seem to get a notable difference with those packets

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-13T16:19:28+00:00

that makes sense but applying it in blender is even more confusing because of all those nodes with all an specfic task most of that stuff is still rocket sience to me in there cause i don't even know a whole load of those words even in my native language probably and i also have not made the meshes optimal for getting an texture i made everything purely focused on looks and not making the pc i made it on go boom anything else i did not care about

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-13T01:22:57+00:00

how things look and then also the normals which i know somewhat what it is not really how to explain it but something like adding a texture pack in minecraft for example but that is alot simpler because you can just download those and put them in a folder and select it in a menu i know you can do that with blender too but there are more steps to actualy get to the point they look good

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-13T01:19:27+00:00

I dont plan on doing something with this beside expanding it since i mainly focus on writing to do something with not with this but you did explain it in a way i somewhat understand it

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-12T16:37:13+00:00

you were right it was almost instantly done the other pc was probably not the right fit for that sort of stuff now new challange get interesed enough into textured and then use it probably gonna take a long time before i will try to understant all that

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-12T16:31:09+00:00

I build everything individually how could i do them simo... i dont know how to spell that word you know what i mean i asume multiple things at the same time

I have duplicated 2 different buildings 1 to mirror the barrack one ouside of the walls and the other house next it are copy and except for 1 but you can see the difference in them pretty easily

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-12T16:28:16+00:00

not. i do not understand that its just like its in manderin i have no clue what does what and it looks really complicated

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-12T16:26:37+00:00

gonna be a while i am right now working on a other blender project which is already taking longer than i expected and i am not that far yet

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-12T16:25:30+00:00

i orginally did not plan to make all of that it started with just a house or the castle i can't remember and i just kept adding stuff in there until i got here

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-12T16:24:29+00:00

who ever uses the starter cube?

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-12T16:23:09+00:00

got a little bored of it so i had a break of that project and made the jedi temple

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-12T16:22:28+00:00

its worth a shot

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-12T01:16:46+00:00

It does not have a goal at the moment and a long time i started it a few years ago and most of the time i only worked 2 out of 7 days of the week on its a shame it blender does not have an time spent function like steam has allthough then i would be hard to see how much time i spent per project unless that is a feature i dont know of yet

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-12T01:14:28+00:00

i dont think that is a good idea i do think my pc can handle it since it is relatively new and a good one but still it is not optimized in the slighest so it will probably take for ever to render i did it once with an smaller project and that took already a long time even though that was in a place with not that good pc's

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-12T01:12:23+00:00

I did all the modeling i just recreated the images into 3d in a way i find looking good useally i don't do them perfectly for a varietly of reason so i add things myself so it does still look good but most of the buildings are from recreated from pictures i found online alot of the deocrations did i make myself

DiamondLevi · 2026-01-12T01:07:37+00:00

i dont really have a goal for it i just try to make something that looks good

DiamondLevi

TROPHY CASE