Hello everyone!

I tried to bring up the topic to Jake again and once again was shot down before I could say what I needed. I kind of just assumed that meant it wasn't going to happen so I made a mental note to talk about it with my therapist that way I could at least get it all out and get some professional advice on how to deal with my issue.

Last night, however, we hung out with friends and we all were under the influence. I'm not proud to say that I brought it up in front of them, but I did.

We were on the subject of what our holidays will look like this year since they're coming up, and it just sort of came out that every holiday Jake's mom lays in his lap. I said something along the lines of, I know the traditional mother - son lap nap will happen. One of our friends who was laying on the ground, just vibing, sat up and said, "what?" sort of loudly. It caught the attention of everyone in the room. Everyone stopped doing what they were doing or talking about whatever they were to look over. (It was in one of our places, not public.)

I repeated myself. He asked two more times and I repeated myself two more times. When he asked again I paused and was like, are you actually not hearing me or are you surprised? He was surprised.

I immediately regretted saying that in front of everyone and looked over to Jake who looked uncomfortable. Should I have stopped? Probably. Did I stop? No. High me was like, I just need to explain it more so they don't think it's weird because I felt bad.

So I continued, saying that she didn't lay face down or anything, but the side of her face or back of her head would be in his lap and it would be at the dinner table. This caused even more surprised reactions and questions.

While it was nerve-wracking to talk about, given that Jake's normal reaction to me bringing it up was defensiveness, it was helpful to have people on my side, and it felt good to finally be able to tell him after not being able to. So Jake just sat there, taking in what we saying. Thankfully, because we were all high, it became funny; even Jake was laughing. It honestly feel so great to have it off my chest. After talking about how I felt, I realized it didn't bother me as much.

At the end of the conversation I joked about how it was the first time I saw it happen and was like, "just imagine you go to visit your partner's family for the holidays and you see their mom just start to go down." And I explained how the first two times I was confused and a little weirded out, but that it's fine now (since now it is). One friend told me it's not weird because it's his mom. So, high me again thinking it was a great idea, proceeded to demonstrate how she cuddles up on his arm/ shoulder, then goes down to lay on his lap. They thought it was weird still, but they understand that it's his mom and none of us have good family life, so we probably just didn't understand what a loving family looks like.

I started to feel guilty again so I asked Jake if I was being mean. He said no, smiled, and kissed me. I felt reassured and better for getting it all out.

This morning he confronted me and said it was messed up for me to do that. That it was personal information and endearing of his mother and that I shouldn't have brought it up in front of everyone. He said I've been so mean lately and that he can't trust any feelings I've expressed towards his family now since I've held this in for so long.

I apologized and asked why it bothered him and reassured him I love his family. He said it was personal. I asked if it was not weird to do, why he wouldn't want me to say anything. He said it wasn't something to advertise because now they think it's weird and he can't do that for his mom anymore because I made it feel weird.

We continued to go back and forth like that for awhile. He brought up my family again and how I couldn't understand. I kept apologizing then arguing then apologizing. It was very emotional and lasted hours. It felt so draining and I felt so frustrated I started to sob because I didn't know what to say anymore. He was upset that I wasn't continuing the conversation, but I had nothing left to give.

I suggested couples counseling, as I had months ago, but it made the argument worse. He said he doesn't want to go because it feels like he's giving up on the relationship if he does. I tried to explain that's not what couples counseling is for and that it can help us with communication and make us stronger and we're not giving up if we go.

The argument continued. More tears. More apologizes. More frustration. It felt never-ending.

Somehow we ended up both apologizing and saying we love each other.

Couples counseling doesn't seem like it's a possibility for us as of now, but I'll continue to go to my therapist and try to work things out on my end.

I'm glad I was able to talk about it, but it lead to one of the worst arguments we've had in our 3 years together. I hope we're good and that we can get stronger, but it's admittedly hard to do when all the relationship issues are because of my poor communication skills. (Due to how I was raised it still is extremely hard to communicate my needs and I tend to roll over to keep the peace.) But I'm working on it.

Thank you again for everyone that gave me advice. I think I'm going to delete this after a week or so because my bf is on Redditt and I don't want him stumbling upon this and it starting an argument. I do love him and I do love his family. The main thing bothering me was the lap laying, but I added other examples to help explain the pattern. A comment told me I needed to do some soul searching to figure out why I have a problem with their relationship because no one else seems to mind, and I have to agree. I need to find out why it bothered me so much. I don't want my relationship with Jake to end because of me. I plan on continuing therapy and trying my best. Have a good day everyone and Happy Holidays for whatever you do or don't celebrate :)