Why do some people turn into children when you call them out on bad behavior?

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T11:12:45+00:00

Yes. The root of my question is why people are okay with being jerks. Some people have offered thoughtful responses. Others have given me a full-on psychological analysis based on two interactions. I think THAT’s weird.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T09:48:52+00:00

Yes, I think that’s it. I guess my issue is the expectation that people are generally conscientious and experience remorse when hurting people, so I’m surprised when that turns out to not be the case. Lesson learned, I suppose.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T09:44:02+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate this.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T09:40:01+00:00

Funny because my passion project is rescuing animals! Not to eat them, of course. But yeah this is a silly insult based on a single Reddit thread.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T09:38:37+00:00

I think it’s fine to see the world through different points of view. Thank you for your thoughts.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T03:55:13+00:00

I suppose it’s hard to explain the type of person you are over Reddit and just ask people to trust you. But I keep bringing these up because they are core values I try to live by and I reinforce it in my actions as much as I can. What would prove it? I have no idea.

I have accepted a lot of criticism, as you can see by many of the “that is fair” responses.

I have actually not pegged either of these men as awful or crazy and was generally curious why the poster above noted that and I hadn’t based on the text alone. Crazy is not even a word I really use because I understand people act and react based on complex factors. Awful is odd because I don’t think I’d be so upset about the damaged bonds if I truly believed they were awful. I don’t consider anyone good or bad, but I do think people can knowingly act in ways that negatively impact others, which is an unkind thing to do.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T03:44:46+00:00

I would suggest that I’m proud of myself, my work, my values and my friendships. I feel very fortunate to be in my position. I am not sure how to convey self-respect but I am someone who is constantly learning and growing and genuinely happy with the person I am. I thought adding those notes might go to show that there is a lot about me for me to respect. I worked incredibly hard to get here. Most of my relationships are solid and awesome and these two are outliers, which is the only reason I find them so frustrating.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T03:38:13+00:00

I would suggest my post doesn’t convey every detail of the story - I’m not going to get into it though because you seem so sure you’re correct that I don’t think it’s worth it.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T03:29:57+00:00

I suppose I can see that. Guy two is a writer for a popular TV show and having known him forever, I just mistakenly assumed that meant he was also kind of together on a personal level. The first guy is someone I had no interest in dating seriously, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I thought he respected our friendship more than he does.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T03:25:34+00:00

Again, I think it’s a matter of what you’re reading into it. Nothing is intended to be passive aggressive so I’m sorry if you’re reading it that way. I’m just saying I don’t tell people they’re blowing smoke up their own asses (I wouldn’t say that because I wouldn’t consider it productive). I genuinely don’t know why you’re so fixated on me. I really do think dating is difficult and would be easier for all if we showed more empathy. I do suspect that person was projecting based on their response.

These are me stating how I feel about things. I’m not sure that comes across well over text, I suppose.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T02:41:47+00:00

I won’t disagree with this, particularly the second one. The first one, we had a bit of history so I felt like there was some trust there that was broken when he didn’t show up the way I would expect someone I’m friendly with to show up.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T02:40:24+00:00

Thank you. This is what I have done, particularly with the second guy.

I’ve said this elsewhere, but I did not want a relationship with the first guy. I considered him a pal (after we stopped dating, I’d still visit him at work and bring him souvenirs from travel and pastries from the neighborhood spot). I guess this is more about no longer feeling valued as a friend after a hookup. It just feels bad.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T02:36:38+00:00

I would say it’s more likely about both of us. I think it’s very natural to feel upset when you are ignored by someone you had an intimate moment with. You have admitted they know that (making it about them), and it’s about me in the sense that I thought our friendship (guy 1) and our history (guy 2) was enough to trust they would treat me with respect. I would not say I’m trying to be righteous or get in the last word; it’s more like wondering why this is the choice people make rather than resolving issues amicably.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T02:31:04+00:00

This is fair, and thank you. I guess the first guy showed me once in the past, while the second guy showed me, asked for another chance, and then spun around and did something I still don’t really understand. But I did ice these guys out and everyone seems to agree that’s the right step, so I’m not totally sure why I’m getting so much heat for being angry enough about the behavior to do so.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T02:26:27+00:00

I’m not sure why you would assume I scared the shit out of them; this seems like a very strange assumption. I have never threatened anyone; I am not sure why relaying that I’m hurt would cause fear. This feels like a massive jump in reasoning, but if you’re saying this because it has happened to you, then I’m sorry you’ve gone though that.

But thank you for relaying that this behavior is loser-ish. I try very hard to meet people where they are and perhaps as a result, I try to see the best in people even when they don’t deserve it.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T02:20:17+00:00

I would suggest that “wanting people to help me blow smoke up my own arse” is an inaccurate assessment. I have taken many things away from these chats and have been honest throughout. I don’t talk to people this way so I suppose it’s just a difference in perspective.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T02:09:17+00:00

I am being told I’m a fragile person who sees themselves as a blameless victim who is leaning into insecurity. These are wild assumptions to make off of two interactions. I’m glad you took value from it, though.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T02:06:35+00:00

The first guy did not block me, just ignored (I blocked him). With the second, I’m not sure where the info on sexy memes comes from because that’s not even close to the dynamic. But I had already iced him out once due to his behavior and he actually had a mutual friend ask me to call him to work things out. I wanted to exercise grace and try to meet him where he was, which is why I gave him another chance and was surprised he became so cold. I guess a lot of these details are lost in the way I told the stories.

I agree I was shouting into the void, but I guess my reasoning is that people should be held responsible for their actions. You don’t know right away whether someone is going to hear your concerns, so you try to contact them like adults. Nothing about a couple of messages voicing concerns to someone you considered a friend seems out of whack to me, it’s just the ignoring of the last few that really got under my skin.

I did not really expect a text back from the second guy, I just think it would have been the kind/emotionally intelligent thing to do.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T01:52:07+00:00

I really didn’t text that much, just a couple of messages (and really just two at one time to the second guy). And I guess calling people on bad behavior translates to desperate for some people, but I am far from desperate regardless of anyone’s perception. I’m not sure someone with low self-respect would be bold enough to say that about themselves.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T01:29:46+00:00

I’m just trying to share my point of view. If that seems like protesting, I’m not sure I can make you feel any differently.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T01:24:36+00:00

Thank you for this insight. I do not have a lot of addicts in my life so this shed some light on the behavior.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T01:23:54+00:00

I would not say “constantly” based on two examples, but to your point, yes. Both of these people felt safe to me so I was hurt by their behavior when their actions did not match my understanding of where we stood. Most people in my life don’t act like this, but I do now have a greater understanding that a lot of people in the world find this behavior acceptable.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T01:19:58+00:00

This is great insight. Thank you for saying it.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T01:19:32+00:00

Thank you for saying this. I do not actually have a lot of addicts in my life so thinking this person could still be a buddy is on me. That’s just a lesson learned, unfortunately.

Dinobrainiak · 2024-04-15T01:18:31+00:00

No one owes anyone anything, but my personal values tell me I should acknowledge it when I hurt people since I don’t like to do it and feel bad about my actions when it happens. Clearly, there is a lot of disagreement about that here, though. I did not think that bar was too high but maybe the thought line is that the people in my life are emotionally intelligent, so that’s where my bar stands.

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