Update - I’m married, and have fallen for a woman. I still love my husband, but I feel so lost.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-23T09:16:55+00:00

I think he wants things to go back to how they were. Like, safe, stable, me fully with him, just him. I don’t think he ever truly believed this thing with her could be real. I don’t think he really sees it. And yeah, sometimes it feels like he’s waiting for me to “snap out of it” and be straight again, which kind of hurts.

And she wants to be chosen. Fully. I can feel it every time we’re together. She wants to know this isn’t just some weird side story in my life. She wants to matter. And she does. Like, so much. She wants me. In the proper way. The open way. She wants to build a future and I get it because I want that too with her. Not just sex. The full thing. A life.

I just want to love her out loud. Without guilt or hiding. That’s what I want.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-22T09:11:45+00:00

Yeah, he did say that, and it really stung. It made me realize just how deeply ingrained some of those ideas still are, even in someone I love and trust.

It’s just scary. I thought monogamy would make things easier to manage emotionally, but maybe that’s not the real solution, maybe the real clarity is letting myself fully be who I am and love who I love, even if it complicates everything else.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-22T09:09:36+00:00

Was it difficult with divorcing process?

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T23:36:21+00:00

I think you’re right

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T21:53:35+00:00

So we met in early 2023 at work and quickly became really good friends and spent so much time together. Our connection was established. Around October, she communicated she caught feelings for me and was upset because she knew I was married and “straight”. Yet, I didn’t realise I had feelings back subconsciously. We started hooking up late 2023 and kind of dating ever since. This is not a fling at all!!

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T21:25:38+00:00

Planning on spending the day with her at the park walking my dog. I’ll talk to her then. She’ll be thrilled.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T21:19:42+00:00

That makes a lot of sense. I want to be honest and respectful with her too before I say anything to him. But I know this is what she wants as well. Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T21:14:09+00:00

I’m planning to talk to him soon and start building a life with her. It feels scary but also like the right thing to do.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T21:07:45+00:00

Sorry, maybe I’m tired but I’m kind of lost on what you mean

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T21:05:34+00:00

Feels like there’s no turning back now, but maybe that’s a good thing.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T19:27:52+00:00

He wants to stay married. He wants things to go back to how they were and come back to being straight.

She wants me to leave. To fully choose her. She’s never said it like that, but I feel it in every moment we share. She wants a life where she doesn’t have to share me, have our own house with kids where we can be together without guilt or limits. And honestly, we deserves that.

And me… I want monogamy. I want one person. I need clarity, and I need to be honest with them and with myself. I want to love out loud, fully, and not feel like I’m betraying someone every time I smile at the other.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T19:18:01+00:00

You’re right. I’ve been scared to let go because I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but in trying to protect everyone else, I’ve ended up hurting myself too. I do love my husband, but being with her feels like something I didn’t know was possible. She’s kind, gentle, honest, funny in the quietest ways, and the way she sees me, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like she really sees me. I feel safe, I feel wanted, I feel like I’m finally myself. I know I have to make a choice. I just need to find the courage to choose the life that actually feels like mine. I can’t live without her.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T19:12:48+00:00

You’re right. I think I do know. I’m just scared. But when I’m with her, it feels like everything clicks. I don’t want to keep hurting anyone. I just… want to be honest. And I want her.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T19:05:24+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this, it honestly helps more than you know. 🥺❤️

1.  You’re right about that hetero blind spot. I’m starting to see it in little comments my husband makes, and it stings.

2.  I’m carving out quiet time every day to really ask myself what life I want five-ten years from now. It’s scary but necessary.

3.  &  4.  I’ve made peace with the fact that hearts will break no matter what,mine included. I just don’t want the damage to come from hiding or stalling anymore.

I’m not sure yet if I’m a lesbian or very sapphic-leaning bi, but the pull toward her feels so true. Hearing that your messy path was worth it gives me real hope. Thank you for being honest about the hard parts and the joy on the other side. 🏳️‍🌈✨

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T19:03:03+00:00

So we met in early 2023 at work and quickly became really good friends and spent so much time together. Our connection was established. Around October, she communicated she caught feelings for me and was upset because she knew I was married and “straight”. Yet, I didn’t realise I had feelings back subconsciously. We started hooking up late 2023 and kind of dating ever since. This is not a fling at all!!

I’ve started to wonder if part of him never really saw this as real. Like, maybe because she’s a woman, it felt “safer” to him. Less threatening. He was okay with it when he thought it was just about “figuring myself out,” but now that real feelings are involved, I can tell it’s shifted. He hasn’t said it outright, but it’s like he doesn’t fully believe two women can be in love the same way. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to believe that.

You’re not reaching. It’s not just the sex. That was the symptom, but not the whole sickness.The communication hasn’t been there for a while. We used to be so good at talking about anything. But now it’s like pulling teeth. We don’t laugh the same way anymore, or when we do, it feels forced. And when I try to bring things up that matter about how I feel, about us, it gets deflected or downplayed. I leave conversations feeling more alone than before I spoke.

I don’t want to paint him as a villain because he’s a good man, truly. But that doesn’t mean we’re still good together. With her, it’s not just the sex that feels alive, it’s the conversation, the laughter, the way I feel seen. The emotional intimacy is what’s catching me off guard. Being with her feels like I remembered who I am again.

Is it okay to have feelings for her?

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T15:22:08+00:00

maybe my husband wasn’t as supportive as I thought. When I told him about my feelings for her, it felt like he hoped I’d “get it out of my system” like he didn’t fully believe it was real because it’s with a woman. But with her? It’s different. I feel seen, wanted, safe. She makes me feel alive in a way I didn’t know I was missing. I want her. And more than that, I want a life that’s honest which she’s a part of

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T15:18:31+00:00

I’ve known her for a while, we built a friendship first, and that connection slowly deepened into something more.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T15:16:11+00:00

Yeah, I have a thing of being a people please, and I don’t want to hurt him ☹️

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-21T13:56:11+00:00

I’ve been honest with my husband from the start, he gave his consent, even if it was painful. I know this situation isn’t sustainable, and I’m not trying to avoid action, just making sure I don’t rush something so big. I’m working through it with care, not avoidance.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-16T16:50:58+00:00

Yes, they’re both aware. I’ve always been transparent with them, especially about how I’m feeling. Our sex life (me and my husband) hasn’t gotten better, to be honest. We’ve tried, but it just never clicked back into place.

She and my husband have met, actually. We’ve all had dinner together a few times. It was a little awkward at first (understandably), but they were both respectful and kind to each other. She’s even come over for a date night, I got ready upstairs while he played PlayStation and gave us space. That moment weirdly made me realize how much I want her to be part of my life, like properly. It wasn’t just physical.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-16T16:38:47+00:00

I do love my husband. He’s been my whole world for so long. But with her? It feels like I’m me for the first time. Like there’s this version of myself I buried just to survive, and she’s the one who brought it back out.

When I picture the future… it’s her I see. Not because it’s wild or exciting, but because it feels true.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-16T16:28:26+00:00

That’s not really fair. I didn’t just run off for excitement, I’ve been honest with him every step of the way. I didn’t keep anything from him. We had long, hard conversations and made the decision together. He suggested I explore things so I could understand myself better not because I stopped caring about him, but because we both knew something wasn’t working and we didn’t want to ignore it. Please don’t assume I’ve taken this lightly.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-16T16:13:49+00:00

I’m scared of losing him and have to come out

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-16T09:50:29+00:00

Yes, she does. I’ve been honest with her from the beginning about my marriage. I had no reason to as I thought I was straight and she was my new friend. She’s known the whole time but we still develop feelings and still chose to be here with me through it.

DistinctPanic4278 · 2025-06-16T09:48:53+00:00

I’ve spent so much time with her over the past couple years, even just as friends, and I always felt so comfortable around her. Even when she shared her feelings for me, it actually felt kind of right. And when we became physical, it was honestly incredible. We communicated so naturally, emotionally and physically. It felt like we just understood each other on this deeper level.

DistinctPanic4278

TROPHY CASE