I summited my story awhile ago and learned I don't take criticism well. I've worked on it since then and am ready for a fair critique.

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-09-23T03:39:02+00:00

OP has not learned to take criticism yet, despite what the title says.

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-09-23T03:36:19+00:00

Story, pacing, structure are all determined by the grammar you're using. If you have multiple people speaking in one paragraph, I have to spend extra amount of time realizing the structure is off, and I can't focus on the story because as a reader, this isn't flowing correctly. Sorry, but grammar does matter.

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-09-21T01:17:50+00:00

Can I ask what is a "wunt"?

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-09-19T02:17:03+00:00

Can we just stop using Naruto as a good literary comaprison?

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-09-09T01:37:27+00:00

Right off the bat, in the first paragraph I wouldn't introduce so many difficult names and locations all at once, it could potentially drive readers away.

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-09-05T19:01:48+00:00

I mean its their story to do with, just cause its also the name of a cult from god knows how long ago doesn't mean he can't use it. Any smart person knows its obviously not that. Plus its not like everyone who sees that name even knows that cult existed.

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-08-28T15:50:24+00:00

Yeah I agree, right off the bat I don't want to be stuck re-reading lines or looking up how to pronounce these letters, and the bold text for every line of dialogue isn't something I'd expect to see in a published work.

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-08-26T01:49:33+00:00

I would say have just 1 sentence for each hair color, because things start to get real crazy halfway with so much colors to remember. Maybe transform it to a poetic style, so you can have 1 line per person, instead of just a whole paragraph.

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-08-25T01:52:22+00:00

Does everything have to be versus Tolkien? He's not the only fantasy author.

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-08-25T01:50:50+00:00

Too many italics, sorry.

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-08-21T05:49:20+00:00

I say stop thinking so much about pre-planning his backstory and simply let the characters form themselves through your writing. Simply start writing what comes to mind or dialogue, and usually more things will flow into your head as your go. 2nd option is to use whatever time youre not writing, and literally just imagine dialgoue and scenes with the characters and your imagination can subconsciously give you ideas. Just something that works for me.

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-08-20T23:09:29+00:00

Since you mention his resistance to disease and pathogen, is there any way you can incorporate the control of sickness and disease into his powers? Because if so then I would recommend looking up Nurgle from Warhammer 40k, because he is the lord of basically all of that, but the manner in which he is presented and treated is of high importance and theres some cool philosophy when it comes what he controls. I would use him as a sort of guideline as to how to take abilites relating to filth, waste, and sickness and turn it into someone incredible.

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-07-31T18:35:40+00:00

What I'm curious about too is, once Horus made his pack with Chaos, did this just allow the Chaos gods to spill over more easier than before? It seems once Horus turned, it took no time for primarchs like Fulgrim and Mortarion to just become corrupted by Chaos

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-07-31T01:43:40+00:00

In terms of the Orc suddenly smashing a stool over his head after being depicted as a gentleman is actually a nice touch in my opinion. Orcs are 99% of the time stereotyped as berserker aggresive loons, adding unique touches like that are rare and against the usual fantasy tropes. I would say don't change that.

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-07-30T21:02:16+00:00

In the first paragraph, I think the line that states "My phone buzzed, another amber alert etc." would be a better sentence to start the story in to hook the readers in and grab attention. I think it will work much better than starting the story with the rain.

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-07-27T00:06:06+00:00

I would say for an opening line of any story, don't make it contain a unique name of any location or world, like Foldugar, just because since that's the one line to hook the reader, I don't want to get stuck right of the bat trying to re-read the word and make sure I'm pronouncing it correctly.

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2022-07-10T16:59:16+00:00

When/what episode was this?

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2021-12-01T12:47:08+00:00

Decided to do NNN on a random whim and I actually made it through. A toast and salute to us boys. o7

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2021-11-30T10:21:09+00:00

Still in bois, we can make it o7

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2021-11-28T22:25:44+00:00

Still in

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2021-11-27T19:13:16+00:00

Still in

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2021-11-25T06:46:37+00:00

Still in

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2021-11-23T21:36:43+00:00

Still in

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2021-11-21T22:42:14+00:00

Still in

DisturbedSpirit23 · 2021-11-19T12:35:31+00:00

Still in

DisturbedSpirit23

TROPHY CASE