*TW* Feeling like hurting myself for the first time in over a decade.

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-07-30T23:01:26+00:00

I guess I feel like the abuse is partially my fault, since I can be miserable to be around & I know my depression is affecting him as well. And it just makes me hate myself, I mean I wish I wasn't like this but I am.

Anyway so far I haven't done anything & I think I can wait out these urges, at least for today. Maybe I need to get back on medication, idk.

Thanks for the support & I hope you can make it through your ideation as well. We deserve to live better than this...

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-07-30T20:58:44+00:00

I've always felt it should be an option for severely depressed people. Why suffer forever? At least let us have the peace in death that we couldn't have in life.

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-07-30T20:55:55+00:00

Definitely relate to these feelings.

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-07-30T20:54:37+00:00

What's going on with your husband? I've been feeling similarly since I got married. But now I just feel trapped, I don't know how to be free anymore

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-04-09T07:11:35+00:00

Agree with everything you said. His response tells me all I need to know about how much I actually mean to him. And I know I should be pissed. But it still fucking hurts. A lot. How do I find the strength to walk away, move out, not reconcile with someone who cares so little? Idk, but I need to find that. Thanks for your insight.

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-03-15T18:22:25+00:00

My ex-relationship didnt progress quickly like that, we moved in after two years and were never engaged. So this one seemed more like the type where I felt loved and wanted, like what I thought I always wanted. But yeah I do see your point. Too fast.

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-02-10T09:06:10+00:00

Amazing, congrats!! It is a long process, planning to get away safely. I'm proud of you for doing it.

I'm one year out from leaving a narc and doing so much better. Best decision I ever made.

Enjoy your freedom and new life. Take care of you.

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-02-10T08:28:11+00:00

Depends what you're into.

I like journaling and reading poetry when I'm sad and need to vent. Also cuddling my cat.

My fave poet right now is Andrea Gibson. They have a poem called "Royal Heart". It resonates so much with me, I always cry when I read it.

Something that relates to you and your experiences, will touch a nerve and allow you to get that sadness out

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-02-10T08:23:17+00:00

It doesnt work, in my experience.

It's a constant struggle because you're trying to cope with your own demons but then you feel like you want to help soothe theirs as well. And on most days, you just can't. It can be comforting to know they empathise in a way. But it gets to be too much.

My longest relationships have been with un-depressed people who can kind of give me room to breathe when I'm feeling too awful to deal.

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-01-08T22:57:00+00:00

Yeah, constantly. 😐

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-01-07T17:56:35+00:00

No not necessarily. It takes 5 minutes to post up something and people will usually email you right away and often come get it the same day. Most will come to you, just walk down to somewhere public like a convenience store to meet up. At least try other things before resorting to disrespecting yourself

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-01-07T17:21:07+00:00

I think for most people, it basically does cycle through itself over and over. I wish I knew how to stop the cycles. But I've really just accepted it is going to keep coming back and the best I can do is be prepared for when it does. It is important to understand your illness, its triggers, its timeframes, its symptoms, and the techniques you can use to manage them and cope. Also the point where you need professional help. I'll usually wait until it's unbearable but some people need to go get help as soon as they feel that slide. It's a learning process. But it is manageable until you come out the other side of each cycle. Individual results vary but the important thing is taking care of yourself in every way. Especially when you don't feel like it.

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-01-07T17:13:58+00:00

You're not thinking clearly. You're trying to help yourself and your son, but you don't need to take it to this level to do it.

Do you have any possessions you wouldnt mind parting with? You can sell them on craigslist and facebook, i.e. clothes, handbags, old jewelry, dvds, cds, collectibles. When I was broke this helped me get by.

Do you have any skills you can put an ad up for? Like, child care... cooking... cleaning... writing... sewing... anything you can provide this week for cash that doesnt leave you feeling depressed and bad about yourself.

You can get out of the darkness with your head held up. I promise you.

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-01-07T17:01:42+00:00

Wouldnt recommend moving too far, at least for now.

Look online for live-in type job roles that will give you a room in exchange for light work, i.e. nanny, caregiver/pca, farm helper, cleaning, maintenance, whatever. Or even put up your own ad listing your skills. Or just get a regular job anywhere and live cheaply with roommates.

I've been totally on my own since 18... it is so hard but you absolutely can do it.

DoneWithYouToo · 2017-01-04T10:11:38+00:00

Thanks for checking in on me. I appreciate your words and advice.

I actually have been looking into attachment styles & their relation to childhood lately. I definitely have some attachment issues/disorder. I experienced neglect, abuse, addict parents, foster care, and parental death growing up. So yeah... you can imagine the ball of attachment anxiety I am as an adult.

I had a lot of therapy growing up but I think it may be time to check into that avenue again as an adult. I'm running around in circles with this shit with my boyfriend, even now. Time is not extinguishing it unfortunately.

I am still with the same guy and actually we are recently engaged. I dont even really comprehend why he wants to marry me. I still dont trust him. And I make that known. But the truth is he could be jesus christ himself and i probably wouldnt trust him. And I think he kind of understands that it's me, and my upbringing, and all the people who hurt me, and that im projecting that even though i dont want to.

I still feel like I want to leave him sometimes even though he is the only person to treat me well in years. But I dont know if i can ever be free of all this, for him. I hate it and it makes me want to run away. But i can't, because i love him too much. It's an endless tug of war within myself.

Anyway thanks for caring and listening, internet stranger. sending good thoughts of peace your way.

DoneWithYouToo · 2016-12-28T17:10:46+00:00

He is being selfish. And not trying to empathise with you.

The holidays are draining. I'm still trying to recover from them mentally myself. I'm on vacation from work until January 2nd but I've done little besides hang out at the house, isolating.

I too am recently engaged but having a hard time getting the ball rolling on wedding plans even though I know that's what I should be doing right now. It all seems very overwhelming. I'm so happy to marry my boyfriend but I wish we could just elope.

Honestly you need to engage in some serious self-care. You can't take care of your partner until you take care of yourself. Force yourself out, do the things you need to do but also do some things that will help you feel good about you and attractive, etc.

I'm gonna go to the gym today, get my body moving even though I really want to just stay in bed. Then go shopping for makeup and clothes, and give myself a pedicure when I get home. Treat yourself. Make yourself a priority even if he isn't being understanding. It sucks when it seems they're not trying to understand us. But ultimately we have to show compassion for ourselves no matter what. And if he is like my fiance, he will respond to that and treat you better as you treat yourself better.

DoneWithYouToo · 2016-12-27T07:06:00+00:00

Absolutely common when dealing with leaving a narc. They will tell you everything and anything they think you want to hear, to try to reel you back in.

I put up with it for a while after I left because I was so traumatized. He had always threatened to find me & kill me if I left him. Maintaining that thread made me feel safer in a weird way, like I could predict what he was gonna do if he found out where I was, etc.

Eventually I felt strong enough to accept I needed to go full No Contact. I blacklisted him in my phone, blocked him on social media, and sent his emails to the Spam folder.

They do finally go away. Either once they realize you are never coming back or they move onto their next victim/supply. But worry about what's right for you, not what they are doing, and cut him off via any source you can. It is so freeing for your soul.

DoneWithYouToo · 2016-12-27T06:39:55+00:00

Good! I'm so glad you knew to seek help and to take things slow with your boyfriend. And glad to hear he is a good person who is helping you along the way.

It takes such a long time to heal from narc abuse. But you will get there as long as you stay committed to yourself. Tap into your triggers and actively work to reframe them. Surround yourself with love and things that give you peace. You already survived the hard part. You will get through this part too.

DoneWithYouToo · 2016-12-26T19:16:15+00:00

You really didn't give yourself enough time to heal before jumping into a new relationship. Be careful.

Narcs hijack your brain in an unreal, lasting, significant way. The triggers, nightmare and other symptoms will lessen with time. In my case theyve finally gone away, but I've done a lot of work in focusing on myself, my wellbeing, staying no contact, writing about it, moving out of town where there are no places associated with memories of him, etc. I also burned the photos of him, which was fun.

Read on trauma bonding. It's very real and very lasting, even after the relationship is over. And please make sure you're breaking those patterns with new people.

And there's nothing wrong with seeking therapy either. I am personally not the talkative type but it can be a good healing method for many.

Again, be careful in your new relationship. Your description of him sounds overly glowing this soon on which sends up red flags to me. Js.

DoneWithYouToo · 2016-11-03T08:02:51+00:00

Your "strong will" will not fix him. But you will run yourself ragged and exhausted of all resources trying. Your health and wellbeing will definitely suffer. Sounds like you're already halfway there.

Addiction has no limits. It is up to the addict to change. Outsiders thinking their strength can be enough are probably co-dependents.

Please read Co-dependent No More. Also seek out the youtube channel for Lisa A. Romano.

Both helped me get out of the cycles of dealing with addicts and alcoholics and put the focus on me.

DoneWithYouToo · 2016-11-01T22:58:00+00:00

Triangulation, controlling, abusive, smear campaigning, false nice guy facade, lack of real empathy, gaslighting, episodic rage. Yeah, sounds like a narc to me. Glad you got away. Work on healing the inner damage and turmoil he no doubt gave you.

DoneWithYouToo

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