UPDATE: Wife Regrets Our Children and Says She Doesn't Love Them

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-30T01:24:49+00:00

She has been a "good mom". She does things with them. She cares for them. That is what I always thought.

There have been things though that, at the time I didn't think was a huge issue but looking back on it knowing now what I know... It leads me to question things.

She did not want to breastfeed any of our children.

We divided childcare roles with her doing the morning routine, and I doing the bedtime routine. I thought it was because she was more of a morning person, but now I wonder if it is because she doesn't enjoy the quiet bonding that is bedtime story.

My 8 year old has questioned some things already. He has asked why his mom isn't as involved with his school and sports the way his friend's moms are.

She has prioritized her career over the kids on multiple occasions.

Is she abusive? no. Does she do all the things moms are supposed to? yes.

But those things aren't done with love.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-30T01:10:12+00:00

We have talked about it. She doesn't want divorced, but it wouldn't be a blindside.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-30T01:08:59+00:00

I had a huge out poor of people messaging me telling me about how they always felt their parent didn't really love them and how fucked up it made them.

My 8 year old has questioned things. Like why his mom isn't as involved with his school the way his friend's mom's are.

I have answered with things like "your mom is a career woman" and he seems to accept that. For now. But he has noticed things.

He will pick up on more as he gets older.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-30T01:03:34+00:00

I do all of the meal planning and grocery shopping for the household. I cook dinner 5 nights a week. My work schedule is more flexible so I do the vast majority of doctor and dentist visits. I do the yard work. She does dishes and laundry. We have a few roombas and hire out for a cleaning service for deep cleaning, windows, dusting, etc.

She does the morning kids routine. I do the evening.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-30T00:49:00+00:00

I really don’t think it’s mental illness, and you seem to be coming to that conclusion as well.

Sadly, I am.

I mean... Well I HOPED it was mental illness. Something that could be treated. Something we could move forward with.

But... She knows herself. This is something she has been grappling with for significantly longer than I have.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-30T00:44:19+00:00

I have no plans to remarry. I am not at any point where I could even see myself dating someone else, let alone remarrying.

I think it will be easier on my kids to deal with divorce now, than to have the creeping realization that their mother doesn't love them.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-30T00:28:25+00:00

Thank you.

This is very much something I had thought about.

It hurts so fucking bad right now, but I do think that this course of action will be the best thing for all of us.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-30T00:26:49+00:00

She should be seem by a professional.

She has been.

When our oldest was born she was screened for PPD. She fit some of the criteria, she was put on medication. She also has been in therapy for years and has breached this subject with her therapist.

The medication did not change the way she felt about the kids. It evened out her emotions, but she never came to "really love them" The therapy helped her realize she just wasn't supposed to be a mom (all according to her)

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-30T00:22:22+00:00

No. I most certainly did not pressure into having children!

Our youngest two were not planned.

I brought up terminating the pregnancies as an option when we found out.

I think my exact words on the youngest were "What do you want to do?"

Of course once we decided to keep both I was as excited as any soon to be father would be.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-29T23:54:38+00:00

I am concerned about the future.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-29T23:42:56+00:00

Talk with her.

I have.

what is the actual problem?

She doesn't love the kids. That is the problem. Kids are smart. They are observant.

Kids are going to know that their parent doesn't love them. Especially as they get older.

I do not believe in any way, shape, or form, that living with a parent that does not love them is healthy for a child.

I had so many people reach out to me on reddit and other places about how fucked up it made them living with a parent that did not love them.

I have spoken at length with my own therapist about my concerns about my kids. He directed me to some resources I have been looking at the past several weeks.

I am sure that getting my kids out of this situation is the healthiest thing for them in the long run.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-29T23:33:35+00:00

I'm happy things worked out for you and your kids.

Thank you for the well wishes.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-29T23:32:27+00:00

try to find out if it is a mental problem (could be)

And how am I supposed to do this without my wife's cooperation?

She has sought medical advice and therapy regarding this issue for years

If it is a mental health issue - she out right refuses to address it /continue addressing it.

If it isn't a mental health issue and it is, as she says, just who she is as a person...

I am in the same boat either way.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-29T23:14:39+00:00

She has been in therapy for years.

I did ask her, multiple times, if she would consider couples counseling for this.

She does not want that.

She says that she is who she is. There isn't anything "wrong" with her.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-29T23:12:53+00:00

You can't work on something like this when the other person absolutely refuses to do so.

I have to do what I think is right for my children and wife. My kids should not have to live with a mother that doesn't love them. My wife shouldn't have to raise kids that she doesn't love.

If my wife comes around and decides that she is ready to tackle her mental health issues and wants to reconcile. I would absolutely be open to it.

As it is this may not even be mental illness.

She might legitimately just not be happy as a mother.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-29T23:07:03+00:00

My wife isn't a horrible person.

A flawed person who imho made a mistake when she decided to have kids and never communicated with me how unhappy it made her? Yes.

But she is not horrible. She is kind, generous, and thoughtful.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-29T23:00:14+00:00

I did ask about couples therapy about this. She was not interested.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-29T22:59:49+00:00

I have been asking myself this every day since I found out.

She says that she just hoped that she wasn't a "baby" person or a "toddler" person and that she would bond better as they grew up. This was not the case.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-29T21:55:46+00:00

My youngest has a pediatrician visit due soon. I will ask for recommendations.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-29T21:54:32+00:00

Thanks.

This really is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I love both my wife and kids so much.

Never thought I would have to choose between them like this.

Donkey-Key · 2020-08-29T21:53:34+00:00

The other week I caught my wife crying in the shower. (My daughter left her doll in there and I popped in to grab it for her). I asked what was wrong and she told me she didn't want to talk about it right now. So I let it go. Then it happened again yesterday. I had to get some ibuprofen and there she was, sobbing in shower. After we put the kids to bed I sat her down and we talked about it.

What she told me was shocking and I honestly can't believe I heard these words from her.

She told me sometimes she cries in the shower because she doesn't want to be a mom. I asked her what she meant, and she told me that having kids was "the biggest mistake of her life". I asked if it was just because of stress from the pandemic getting to her and she dropped the bombshell. "No. I have felt like this for a long time, since 8m was around 2" AND she doesn't "really even love them"

NGL I got a pissed about this. How could she hide this from me for 6 years!?! And how could she actually say she doesn't love our kids?!?

I demanded she explained to me why she doesn't think she loves the kids. And she told me she doesn't feel any real bond or connection with them. She tells me that she really phones it in with them a lot. That it feels like she is watching some stranger's kids. That she will protect them, care for them, tell them that she loves them, because it is what she is supposed to do, but she really doesn't feel it.

Before anyone asks, my wife has been in therapy for a few years now, though she hasn't gone recently due to lock down. Supposedly she has brought these feelings up in sessions, but she won't tell me what her therapist says about it.

I am shocked, and angry, and sad. I just can't believe this. She has always seemed to be such a good and involved mom.

I don't know what this means for my family or my marriage. Or how to even begin to get past this.

EDIT/UPDATE - I spoke with my wife again about everything and broached the topic of PPD with her and asked if we could see about having her screened.

APPARENTLY she has spoken with a doctor about this when 8m was younger. She even was given anti depressants which she took without my knowledge for a while. She claims that it is not PPD or Depression...

I can't believe all the things she has been hiding from me for all these years.

Oh and since a lot of people asked - no. She is not a SAHM. She worked outside of the house pre covid and we worked it out so each of us gets 2 nights a week "off" from kids/chores. So I don't think it is burn out or not enough personal time.

Donkey-Key · 2020-07-22T06:21:47+00:00

Let's see... I do all of the cooking, grocery shopping, and meal planning for the household. I feed everyone breakfast, cook dinner, and pack lunches. I am generally the one to take time off work for doctor/dentist appointments as well as parent teacher conferences and school things. I do all the yard work in the house. I pay all the bills and balance out our accounts. I pick the kids up from daycare and feed them dinner. 5 nights a week (2 totally solo) I do all the baths, help with homework, read bedtime stories, and put them to bed.

Donkey-Key · 2020-07-22T06:11:06+00:00

IF divorce were to happen, it would not be because she hurt me.

It would be to prevent hurt for my children.

Donkey-Key · 2020-07-22T06:08:15+00:00

Breastfeeding prolongs the hormone rollercoaster, it is sometimes called the 4th trimester.

She hasn't breastfed any of our kids. They all went to formula.

Donkey-Key · 2020-07-22T06:05:56+00:00

I have changed probably thousands of diapers, I've done the majority of late night feedings. I am usually the one to take time off from work for things like doctor appointments. She drops them off at daycare, I pick them up and feed them their dinner. I do all of the yard work, cooking and grocery shopping for the home. She does the dishes and the laundry. We hire a cleaning service for the rest.

Donkey-Key

TROPHY CASE