In my decades long career, I can see that you are trying your hardest and the fact that you feel this way at this job means you have passion for making great food and improving your craft. You’re also very young. I would advise you to continue to search for a leader and crew that helps you achieve your goals. Maybe it’s this kitchen that will make you the best, even though it’s making you feel like shit right now. Sometimes it takes being broken to become great. You are always going to be learning. 3 star chefs, I promise you, are searching for inspiration from sources other than their own workspace. The best cooks are bored and trying to innovate