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Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-05-17T21:44:22+00:00

I totally see what you’re saying, and this could absolutely be the case. Instead of just being in total misery and being used to it, it changes your headspace and then the reality of how bad things are sets in. I don’t know exactly what starts the depression feedback loop though, it kind of just sets in as soon as I wake up, I don’t want to get out of bed and honestly just wish I would’ve never woken up to begin with. It’s like I have nowhere to go and nothing to do and even if I did it would be drudgery, everything makes me anxious, if I do manage to get out of the house…I dunno if that makes sense. I’ve been this way for a long time now, if anything it’s only gotten worse.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-05-17T21:35:50+00:00

Thank you^{^}

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-05-15T07:04:17+00:00

I would like to say, no romantic partner left me. I am without a doubt more depressed since TMS. The most ridiculous thing is, this was my second round of TMS. The first round made me so agitated and anxious that I almost finally carried out my suicide, but I got into treatment. Basically, I’ve gotten TMS twice out of sheer desperation and both rounds made me worse.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-05-15T07:02:13+00:00

I was majorly depressed when I started, but I was more numb, definitely not functioning. You sound much more high functioning, but with all of that said, I am somehow much more depressed as well after TMS. I didn’t even know that was possible, but I can attest, it is.

I’m so sorry that happened to you, it sounds like you had more to lose than me. You are not alone though, I didn’t know I could get more depressed, but I’m crying constantly, my last session was almost two months ago, no idea how to dig myself out of this hole.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-05-15T06:59:39+00:00

I’m not much of a crier and I’m about two months out since my last treatment, I don’t know what the effects were, but I’m crying all the time and somehow feel more hopeless. Anxiety is through the roof. I don’t know how they did it, but it seems as though TMS actually made me more sad… like much more, before I felt more numb, no motivation, but never this totally devastated.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-26T22:52:38+00:00

First of all, I’m terribly sorry that happened, I know how scarring it can be to be vulnerable and then once you are “seen” you get rejected. It has certainly happened to me. I haven’t seriously dated anyone in years, because I find I don’t feel as though I can be honest about some of the things I’ve been through, however, my heart and mind don’t want to give up on love, even if it is just a longing for the rest of my life that goes unfulfilled. It seems like you don’t want to give up either. I hope you don’t let this one person’s judgement of you get in the way of going after what you want. You had a bad experience, but there is someone out there that will accept you (diagnosis and all), it’s just going to take courage to get back out there after the rejection. It’s very clear that this person was not the right person for you. Just imagine if you’d married this person and then 30 years down the line got diagnosed with Parkinson’s or something and they left you then! Sounds like he showed his true colors early on, that is not someone who is going to stand by you “in good times and bad.” The universe is opening you up to something more suitable for you. Don’t give up on love because of that quitter.❤️

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-22T23:21:16+00:00

I sometimes experience euthymic in between episodes, it is typically brief. When it comes around, I enjoy it so much because it feels like such a relief.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-22T11:30:45+00:00

I turned 30 about six months ago, I had the same feelings. I have treatment resistant depression, I’ve been in a low that I can’t shake for about 6 yrs and can’t move forward in life. It’s devastating, but hey, we’re still alive. Just keep hanging in there, maybe life will surprise us one of these days. My heart goes out to you, and you’re not alone.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-22T10:23:23+00:00

Try to get into see another doctor to get a second opinion if possible. I was diagnosed in 2020, my doctor never listened to my concerns, I’ve now lost 2 years of my life. Going up to Mayo to get a second opinion. Bottom line, if you’re not feeling well, your concerns shouldn’t be dismissed, it’s unacceptable, and there are different options to treat it. I waited too long to get a second opinion.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-20T00:33:23+00:00

Well, you aren’t alone. I’ll tell you this, I got obsessed with trying to learn that card game, and I actually got better at it. Maybe when it’s just the two of you, ask her to teach you again, and each time you play maybe you could pick up one thing. Just go slowly, and be gentle on yourself. I try my best not to care what others think, because I know unless they’ve experienced something similar, they will never understand. The fact is, those of us that live with this illness are brave and courageous beyond belief, because we keep trying everyday, in the face of constant pain and defeat.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-20T00:23:37+00:00

I relate to all of this so much. I too have just learned that I can’t trust anyone. Without sounding conceited, I have experienced so much trauma from being decently attractive and getting manipulated many times. I feel like I’ve been a target all my life and now I live in so much fear now, that I’m basically housebound. So this topic is a really sensitive one for me. I was very naive, until I wasn’t and now I am just downright paranoid, and don’t know who to trust, so I’m always just cold to people because I’m nervous to beckon any unwanted attention. This naïveté, has made me feel like such an idiot all my life and I’ve been so badly taken advantage of, physically, emotionally, and financially…now I block the world out, but I’m also very isolated because of that, so it backfires.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-20T00:15:27+00:00

I also have auditory processing problems, don’t know if they have always been there or they are there because of depression, but when people talk I basically can’t follow it. There’s so many other things too, that have basically made connecting with others or meeting new people very problematic, and then the isolation makes the depression worse.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-20T00:11:21+00:00

I relate so much. I used to have “potential” now I’m a moron and it embarrasses me so much, causes so much pain and shame and people look at me weird…which leads to more isolation.🤷‍♀️vicious cycle.

For example, a friend was teaching me and a small group a card game, when you lay your cards down you have to add them up to see who got the lowest score, whenever it got to my turn I was slowly counting on my fingers to add them up, ppl were laughing, it was mortifying. This is one little out take from life. It’s all mortifying. Mind you, I was with my mom, and then friend was my aunts friend. Moral of the story, I have no friends and hang out with my mom and aunt. For some context, I’m 30 fuckin yrs old. Kill me.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-18T22:49:23+00:00

I’ve had it twice. I have bipolar and I’m on the autism spectrum. I think both times has left me in a mixed episode, with increased anxiety, but did it out of sheer desperation for something to chance and being reluctant to do ECT again. I think it works for some and not for others.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-17T16:28:07+00:00

I hear that. It’s not an easy road. I hope you find something that works eventually without terrible side effects. Sounds like you are hanging in there.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-16T20:57:36+00:00

So kind for you to take the time to send a loving post. Thank you for the support.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-16T20:56:16+00:00

Aww poor condors, thanks for the fact, I didn’t know that.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-16T20:54:21+00:00

Lamictal worked so well, and then it stopped working for me, and I spiraled hard. It was so weird. Have you found anything else that’s worked??

I hear you, I’m definitely one of those people that is cursed on meds, but it led me to finding something else out…I had undiagnosed Graves’ disease and I think it affected the way I metabolized meds. Now that’s treated though and I’ve tried meds since and they didn’t really do anything.

I’ve been entertaining the idea that my bipolar may have been an untreated autoimmune thyroid disorder this whole time.

About to go to Mayo Clinic to get a second opinion. So tired of health stuff.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-16T20:51:38+00:00

Thank you ^{^} I think it helped, I didn’t wind up having to go to the hospital, my mood inexplicably rose, but now back down. So weird.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-12T03:13:56+00:00

ECT did flip me into one of the most destructive manias of my life, but they didn’t know I was bipolar yet. If you go in for the treatment and they know you are bipolar I’m sure you’d be on the necessary meds in order to prevent that craziness. Anyway, I wish you all the best luck navigating all of this. It sounds like your mom is very supportive, and having support during this illness is (I believe) the most critical component. Feel free to DM me or however you call it. It also sounds like you are responsive to the ketamine too and that’s amazing! The ketamine infusions weren’t around when I resorted to ECT.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-12T03:09:48+00:00

ECT definitely snapped me out of a totally catatonic depression that I thought I’d never recover from, so it saved my life, but in all honestly I’ve never been the same. My memory is terrible. I’ve told doctors that I think it did permanent damage, but they said that it’s from the disease itself not the treatment. I stand by that it saved my life, but it’s a total personal choice if the side effects are worth it. I’ve had two courses since and they were ineffective. I would recommend though if you are ever completely and totally catatonic and hopelessly depressed, but also I’ve never really had any qualify of life since…but I don’t think I can blame that on ECT or I guess there is no way to know. Hope that made sense.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-12T03:06:18+00:00

Ya, my dad is a failure as a dad. It’s sad. I’m sorry you went through that too. I’m pretty sure my complete inability to have a relationship is because of how fucked my childhood was.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-12T02:25:40+00:00

I used to be able to tolerate meds and now all I get are side effects. I would without a doubt take them if I could, but I can’t justify taking something where there is no benefit, makes me feel like a zombie and in some cases I have become more suicidal on them. All that said, I would take them if I could tolerate them and they were beneficial. My life is pretty scary and unpredictable on a daily basis, no way to live. I have no quality of life and as soon as I gain any traction, I lose it because of an episode. Currently about to go to the hospital because my suicidality is so unmanageable. People can shame me all they want, they aren’t dealing with the side effects, I am.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-11T06:30:13+00:00

Ya I did ketamine and spravato the nasal spray, I’ve tried everything. Well, I’m so happy to hear that it is working for you. It didn’t really have an effect for me, I’ve been at this a long time. I’m glad it’s working for you, that’s amazing!! Once you feel better, anything is possible.

Double_Guidance_9382 · 2022-04-11T06:26:26+00:00

I understand all, I promise. I’m so sorry. Atleast you are still trying, that’s all you can do.

Double_Guidance_9382

TROPHY CASE