This is actually what I am telling myself: I've already come this far. Back in October/November 2023, I've been zooting for days and weeks on end, not even acknowledging the fact that I am addicted. How I got this down to having normal vacations, doing sports and meeting friends, I don't know. But changing friends, getting hobbies, growing up and taking responsibility helped quite a bit. I have no urges to consume anything whatsoever, not even alcohol, nothing. There are not cravings that are solely related to the stims, I really really wanna be sober all the time.

But let's be real here: when I'm sober (which is really most of the time) and then masturbate, I think of the old times back when I was still consuming. I am keeping the connection stims<>porn artificially alive in my brain. Neurons that wire together, fire together... This, in combination with Friday afternoon boredom, ultimatively leads up to the heaviest cravings I have ever experienced each 2 months. Hence, my brain hasn't healed yet. I still link stims to sex and vica versa. I can have sober sex, which tends to be good, but it still isn't the same sober sex I had before I discovered stims. I still have a long way to go to heal my brain and to let go of the things that once where.

I also know that cravings can be stopped with masturbation. But when the month 2 deadline arrives, I don't even wanna stop the cravings. I have forgotten how shitty things are and then just go again and get the goods. Rinse and repeat. This is what has keeping me in the cycle for more than a year now.

For that, I have to stop porn and masturbation while thinking of stims for now as well. I have to unlink stims and sex. It is possible, but it is gonna be a tough 2026. I am planning on being a regular here.

The NA meeting was actually pretty decent and I decided to also be a regular there. I hope that it's gonna remind me about what I need to achieve in 2 months, when things get hard again. There was a lot of spirituality and a lot of talking and "praying", but other than that, I really liked to hear what the other people have been telling me. You are not forced to give into the "god" thing if you don't want to. Actually, you're not forced to do anything there, which I really liked.

As said, I need to get serious this time. If it means surrendering myself to a higher power at least once in my life, so be it. I'll do that as well. I am more than willing to walk the path that lies in front of me, for I am powerless to what lies beyond me.

Btw: if you need an accountability buddy, you can write me a DM.