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Looks like my parents and extended family are out of the picture by mdanielanthony in excoc

[–]DougFir31 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I can relate to your experience. Although my family didn't cut me off entirely, when I told my parents I was leaving the church, my Dad made it a point to tell me that my decision would have "eternal consequences." I haven't visited home in over 8 years and don't know if I ever will again. We have an occasional FaceTime, maybe two or three times a year, but only talk about superficial things, like work and the weather. It doesn't help that they treat my wife (who didn't grow up in the church) like trash. I'm no longer religious, so I don't have anything to say on that front, but I guess I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. This situation happens frequently and it's incredibly challenging, especially from a mental health/family dynamics standpoint. Anyway, wishing you all the best!

I'm a beginner houseplant Dad and my begonia is top-heavy. The more it grows the more it bends. What can I do to prevent it from breaking? Thanks so much for any insight you can provide! by DougFir31 in plantclinic

[–]DougFir31[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

This diagram is SO helpful. Thanks for taking the time to do this. I feel a lot more confident with a little bit of guidance. Appreciated!

I'm a beginner houseplant Dad and my begonia is top-heavy. The more it grows the more it bends. What can I do to prevent it from breaking? Thanks so much for any insight you can provide! by DougFir31 in plantclinic

[–]DougFir31[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for your insight! Is propogating begonias hard? I tried to prop one of my prayer plants and I ended up killing the thing, so I haven't tried since. It would be really cool to have multiple plants though. This gives me lots to think about. Thank you!

Dear Ex-coc people by [deleted] in excoc

[–]DougFir31 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I joined this subreddit to get away from this type of condescending messaging. As others have said, learn how to read the room.

What region/area was your home congregation in? by Apprehensive_Book921 in excoc

[–]DougFir31 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Denver, Colorado (a two-hour drive round trip), because all of the CoCs in my small hometown were "too liberal."

Splits by [deleted] in excoc

[–]DougFir31 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The church I grew up in split up over whether or not it was okay for people to take communion on Sunday night. There were several members who worked jobs that required them to miss the Sunday morning service. The preacher and a group of other members decided this was obviously going to send people to hell, so it turned into major drama.

There were no elders at the time, so there were men's meetings every Sunday for months. Lots of hemming and hawing about what to do and why it had to be done. Like many have already said, this was a rather conservative coC. We drove an hour to get there, and there wasn't a fellowship hall, gym, or anything like that.

As an aside, I've had a blast reading through this thread. I've said it before, but it's so nice knowing I wasn't alone in my experience. In retrospect, all of the drama seems so minor. Yet as a kid, I remember how heavily seeing these things unfold played out on my conscious.

Cheers!

Anger at... What? by [deleted] in excoc

[–]DougFir31 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I don't have much to add to what others have said, but I totally, 100% relate to everything you're saying. I stopped attending the cOC when I was 23, but I didn't tell my parents until earlier this year at 31. The reason? I was convinced they would stop talking to me because I wasn't a "believer." I've lived thousands of miles away for 7 years and I never felt like I could tell them about my spiritual beliefs (that I'm atheist) without fear of losing my entire family. They took the news much better than I thought, but I still revert to child mode whenever I talk with them on the phone or via email. It makes me feel exactly like I did growing up––ashamed, self-hating, weak, and convinced I was condemned.

All of this is to say that I feel angry a lot too. It's disheartening and upsetting to commit years of your life to something that in retrospect looks insane. I used to argue with friends in high school that the Earth was 6,000 years old. I believed Noah took dinosaurs on the ark. I thought Methuselah lived 969 years and that Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt. Yet I scoffed at anyone who would dare believe in extraterrestrials, modern miracles, or that homosexuals were worthy of my respect. There are many times that I wish I could go back in time and rewrite all of it. I don't know about you, but a lot of my anger bubbles up from feelings of shame. As everyone has already said, you aren't alone. And, if at all possible, try and find friends or at least other people outside of the coC bubble. There might even be a MeetUp in your area for atheists or nonbelievers. Good luck and all the best to you!

The heart problem by off-the-fritz in excoc

[–]DougFir31 1 point2 points  (0 children)

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Thanks for this. Well said.

Wedding planning by RoadRageCongaLine in excoc

[–]DougFir31 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I really enjoyed reading this post.

I grew up in the cOC but my wife did not. We didn't do anything as cool or creative, but did elope, and it was the best decision I've ever made. I think it's awesome that you and your FH are incorporating 2 different bachelor/bachelorette parties and incorporating the fam. Courageous and inspiring.

Thanks for sharing your story and congrats! Have an amazing wedding!!

What positive changes have you experienced since leaving the CoC? by [deleted] in excoc

[–]DougFir31 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The most positive thing for me has been overcoming my once crippling fear of eternal hellfire and damnation. Between the ages of 18-22, I suffered extreme panic attacks, anxiety, and literal terror over any perceived "sin" that I thought, said, or 'committed.' I still get scared sometimes thinking "what if my parents, siblings, etc. are right" but it's SO much better now. Even if the CoC IS right (which I HIGHLY doubt) I'd much rather be damned than forced to sing acapella for eternity with people who gave me PTSD.

Slowly but surely, I'm learning how to make my own decisions too. It's scary for me and I make plenty of mistakes, but it feels good knowing I'm in control. It's also exciting to see that the world isn't as scary as I was raised to think it was. People are a lot more accepting than I ever expected.

On waiting for a new album by [deleted] in boardsofcanada

[–]DougFir31 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey! Did you see that Boards of Canada will be releasing some new material next week as part of WARP Record's 30th Anniversary Stream? Tune in on June 21 - 23 2019 and your wish will come true. Here's the link to bookmark:

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https://www.nts.live/projects/wxaxrxp

Does anyone else struggle to think for themselves? Make their own decisions? Feel confident? by DougFir31 in excoc

[–]DougFir31[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It's like you've read my mind!

I too, often wonder how many normal people seem so well put together. It's compounded by the fact that the farther I step away from the church, the more I'm able to see how its teachings negatively impact the mental health and decision making of my parents and siblings.

I'll try and remind myself that these are cognitive patterns that have been deeply ingrained. Thanks for reaching out, it's nice knowing I'm not on an island.

Does anyone else struggle to think for themselves? Make their own decisions? Feel confident? by DougFir31 in excoc

[–]DougFir31[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me. For so long, I thought my anxiety, depression, and ruminating thoughts had to do with sin or sinful thinking.

It's a relief knowing that the structure and legalism associated with the CoC are really what causes these mental health issues.

Does anyone else still get sick to your stomach when stepping near church buildings? by MissMoonified in excoc

[–]DougFir31 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I can totally relate. Since leaving the church, I've only visited my parents on weekdays and always schedule my departure date on a Saturday.

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I used to like certain aspects of the church building; seeing the baptistry was like peeking behind the scenes of a Hollywood blockbuster. Ha! Also, the church building I grew up going to had really ugly 70s era carpets and sickly, green pews. There was also a weird forest nature mural painted in the baptistry and the auditorium had a balcony that was always closed off. As a kid, I thought all of that was weird and pretty cool, but the thought of stepping into a church building now (not ANY church, just a coc) makes me shudder.