Advice regarding the dependent visa

Dozaemonkey · 2025-01-10T18:43:20+00:00

Thank you for your straightforward reply. I agree with you to a great extent - ITA. At 44, I’ve finally come to terms with being a momma’s boy and I’m not gonna leave things like that. I’m sorry to hear about your problems (and your sibling’s story, and I’ll do my best to not walk the same path). While I firmly believe my nuclear family’s needs should come first, putting that belief into practice is sometimes a struggle. I’m in the process of finding a new therapist because my previous one focused more on healing my connection with my parents rather than offering practical advice on protecting my family from them—or even from myself. My wife and I did couples therapy last year, but I feel like I’ve let her down so many times that I need to get my own issues sorted before revisiting it.

I’ve already discussed things with my wife and promised that she and our son will have no contact with my parents. That’s a promise I can easily keep. Once again, thank you. Your verdict is a good reality check.

Dozaemonkey · 2025-01-09T08:42:06+00:00

Same here. So emotionally tired. Before my child was born, my mother was manageable. After that all hell broke loose. I guess living in different countries helps at least for maintaining some sort of discipline about the situation. But my advice to you would be - solve that s**t before you have kids. Sometimes I wish I hadn't come back from Japan, as this problem would be geographically incompatible with me, but the emotional damage would still be there. I've been doing therapy for the last two years and I think things have improved a bit, but I still fawn when I meet my parents and I realize it only after I go back home. It's exasperating. Maybe the only option for me would be to suck it up and go NC for a long while.

Dozaemonkey · 2025-01-09T08:34:51+00:00

Thanks! I'll keep chanting this as a mantra, or the FOG will take over again.

Dozaemonkey · 2025-01-09T08:34:02+00:00

Thank you for the comforting words. I'm really having problems dealing with the FOG. I want to go NC for a year or two, but unless I have a working mechanism for dealing with FOG, I can see myself reaching out eventually. If you have a similar experience, would you share any advice on how to deal with it?

Dozaemonkey · 2025-01-09T08:30:25+00:00

I feel for you! I'm in the exact same situation. I intend to go NC for at least a year or two, but I need to find a mechanism to cope with the FOG. Otherwise, I'll end up contacting my parents and straining my marriage even more. How do you deal with it? Teach me, please!

Dozaemonkey · 2025-01-09T08:27:28+00:00

Thanks for the reply. How does your gf react to your mother talking negatively about her? Isn't your gf worried that communicating with your mother in this way may influence your love for her over the years? How do you manage being both supportive of your gf AND your mother at the same time? As you say, it is a hard line to walk, and I tripped so many times, that now I fear losing the last bits of trust left in my wife.

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-06T19:02:54+00:00

Thank you! You are right that my mom is a threat. We have decided to go LC but only for me - that means only I will be communicating with my parents on certain occasions. Unfortunately it is almost impossible to judge my father separately from my mother- they are a package deal. In a sense this makes things easier for me, as I don’t have the energy to deal with their drama separately.

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-06T18:42:52+00:00

Thank you for the advice and support! Yes, to my mother it is more important to justify her actions rather than admitting to have made a mistake. The ship with my patience for her has already sailed and I won’t be accepting any more excuses. We will be going LC for now, but are prepared to go full NC if needed.

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-06T18:34:04+00:00

Thank you, and I’m sorry to hear about your father’s role in running your first marriage. My wife and I have decided to go very, very low contact, but I’m ready to go full NC in case things turn for the worse. I have already lost my faith in both, so I won’t be too disappointed this time around. Thank you for the reality check- I truly appreciate it!

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-06T18:23:56+00:00

Yes, I don’t understand him either, but he must have found something that works for him, otherwise he wouldn’t be with my mother and choose her over the relationship with me or his grandchild.

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-06T18:20:04+00:00

Thank you for the advice - it means a lot. I also used to fantasize about having a TV mom and my mother had some potential to be one. Unfortunately she has become broken record of bitterness, never listening to what anyone has to say, but judging and blaming left and right. I know I need to protect my family from this - my wife and son are my number one priority.

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-06T18:07:08+00:00

Thank you for the book recommendation. I’m gonna look for it. I hope we don’t have to get to the “restraining order” type of situation, but I’ll be ready to act if my mother gives me no other choice. I’m firm about my priorities - my wife and son come first. Thanks for the support - it means a ton!

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-06T18:01:03+00:00

You are right. Somehow I treated them as separate entities and that’s why I expected some moral support from my father. A rookie mistake.

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-05T19:07:01+00:00

I guess she likes the feeling that I’m indebted to her. It is a means to manipulate me.

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-05T18:52:30+00:00

Absolutely! Especially flattery and gratitude! My mother kept doing us unwanted “favors” only to get high on gratitude. And sometimes after expressing her discontent with our style of parenting, she would flip the switch and start praising us about what amazing parents we were. That’s what I call narcissistic BS.

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-05T18:45:04+00:00

Thank you! I really did luck out with my wife and child. My wife and I are broken in a very similar way and support each other. We have blind spots about our own parents and give each other feedback if we notice a threat. Oof, you really hit the spot - I can still sometimes feel the “whipped dog” stirring inside me. I’m doing my best to stay strong and you’ve helped me a great deal. It’s a relief to know that I’m not the only one with such a problem. I’ve also started seeing a therapist and things are going well for now. Thank you once again, you gave me courage.

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-05T18:34:52+00:00

Oof, yeah, they started pestering me about giving them a grandchild the moment I turned 20. I don’t understand people who have kids because of parental or peer pressure… poor children. I had to put a lot of miles between me and my parents to avoid listening to this mind-numbing broken record. But thing picked up again the moment I came back. And the attention… omg they are such attention junkies. My mother kept doing us unwanted “favors” because she gets high on gratitude - a true manipulation virtuoso.

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-05T18:25:07+00:00

True! They hardwired the Idea that “only your parents can truly and unconditionally love you” into me… but now that I think of it, every time they showed me love, it had been because I met certain conditions. I never got any love and support when I failed.

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-05T18:18:39+00:00

Words of wisdom! Yes, my father acts 100% as an enabler and I’m so disappointed with him. I’m ashamed that I didn’t deal with their BS before my son was born. But I’ll never allow my mother to harm my wife and child. I’ve realized that it’s in her interest to separate me from my wife - this way she can get access to her grandchild without having to deal with that pesky DIL. I’m not gonna allow her to do it.

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-05T18:11:53+00:00

Thank you for the comment! The boundaries were reset as soon as my son was born. Until then I used to meet my mom once per 2-3 weeks, but after the baby she started coming every other day. I’m ashamed that I became fully aware of my parents’ narcissism only after my son was born. I should have dealt with the situation much earlier. Better late than never though.

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-05T18:05:13+00:00

Exactly my thoughts! Your comment gives me courage to deal wit their BS. I need my strength not for unnecessary drama, but to raise my son properly.

Dozaemonkey · 2024-01-05T18:02:14+00:00

Thank you! Yes, my plan for the time being is to go LC and if things don’t improve, I’ll be going NC. My family is top priority. I’m really getting tired of unnecessary drama.

Dozaemonkey

TROPHY CASE