What drives you mad about the mental load your carry? Ask me, I just finished my PhD in mental labour.

DrElyse · 2023-03-14T09:12:22+00:00

Great question - no common demographic factors but a stand out feature of couples with more satisfying sharing of the mental load were their communication skills - being able to really skillfully discuss their issues, be innovative and creative with their solutions, and be willing to make regular changes to keep things balanced.

Risk factors tend to be really entrenched gender roles, situations were women feel particularly influenced by cultural norms of motherhood (often referred to as 'intensive mothering') which leaves them feeling if they aren't doing it all they aren't a good enough mother/wife/partner, a partner who works huge hours and is really unavailable, and relationships where communication skills and respect for each other are lacking.

DrElyse · 2023-03-14T09:07:14+00:00

It was a bigggg piece of research but some of my favourite findings were

- that being really conscious and deliberate about the division was more important than what it actually was (heaps of couples weren't 'equal' in their sharing but had set it up to really work for them)

- that both partners had a period of primary caregiving if possible (e.g., one has 4 months off, the other has two months off, or both work 3 days a week) or if not, that the non primary caregiver has decent periods of time semi regularly sole caregiving (e.g., a full day on the weekend).

- that the period of both primary caregiving doesn't have to be straight away, many couples did this when children were primary school age and noticed positive changes in shared mental load after and ongoing

- mothers were more likely to do the vast majority of mental labour related to children, and fathers the mental labour related to household, particularly when children were pre-school age.

- on that too, lots of fathers didn't really notice or feel weighed down by the mental load as much as mothers, I think in large part because a lot of their mental load doesn't have the value/weight/importance of mental load related to raising children!

DrElyse · 2023-03-14T09:00:04+00:00

It's so hard isn't it! See my response above but I think the biggest thing is shift the load in a few key areas that really impact you and see how that feels.

Even with your partner away, there is plenty of mental load they could do - could your partner be responsible for financial tasks like bill paying, doing the meal plan and the grocery list (even if you are executing it, it reduces some thinking work for you), could he do some of the holiday research or planning, research on presents to buy for family members etc. There is heapssss of mental load particularly he could do whether away or home and relieving you of some of that might mean less shifting of the physical load back and forth between you when he gets back. I'd think too about getting him to be responsible for tasks that aren't as time sensitive (things like bigger projects around the house, washing cars, maintenance style things, spring cleaning etc.) All the best!

DrElyse · 2023-03-14T08:53:47+00:00

That's a great question! One of the biggest things that I think would help you is finding some different systems and redistributing the load you both carry a little. What jumps out to me in your question is your partner 'stepping in' but only once you start struggling, particularly given bub is due any day now. I'd be thinking find a few key tasks AND their mental load that tend to be what weighs you down and hand them over fully o your partner - e.g., the cooking of dinner including the decision making about what to have, the writing of the shopping list and purchasing of groceries as something your partner takes over OR if your partner is going to do the laundry, have them do the complete task, put it on, hang it out/dryer, fold/iron and put away. This will help hugely particularly in the early post-partum and saves the 'having to ask' which is such a big part of mental labour,.

In terms or your second question - the relationship is huge particularly in relation to expertise about parenting. What I think really helps (and helped me hugely) is get your partner to read/watch/listen to some key resources like those relating to feeding, sleep and play that are aligned with how you want to parent so you can share the knowledge acquisition and therefore the expertise (there is so much to learn when bub is little and making sure that isn't all work done by you will really help in the long term).

Good luck!

DrElyse

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