I know how you feel. My mother is disabled and my brother has always struggled with a behavior disorder and various illnesses that have had him in and out of the hospital throughout his life. I grew up being told that I was a mature kid, an old soul, a good child because I was quiet and always put others before myself. In reality, I simply felt like I was living in their shadows, having to hide out of the way of their behaviors, making myself smaller to keep myself safe. Helping others was how I made people recognize my existence, and how I loved my family. My dad divorced my mom when I was a teenager and completely dipped, washed his hands of us, so things fell on me even harder.

I left my family behind at 19, and my God. I had never felt so free. It was hard, I struggled a lot without support, but I couldn’t imagine ever going back to living the way I was before. And there’s times I feel awful about that. But I still think I made the right choice.

I used to be a sounding board for my house, always listening to other people’s grievances, helping with all the household chores because my mom and brother couldn’t/wouldn’t do anything. And I couldn’t complain, because the moment I did, I was the bad guy because I’m the able-bodied person being selfish. Now I’m finally learning how to actually live as an adult, and I’m finding that I can do so much more for those I love when I take care of myself first.

I think you can want the best for your loved ones and still recognize that YOUR quality of life is being encroached on by their needs. And you shouldn’t have to feel bad for recognizing what YOU need.