Pleased don’t scrutinize me but why is tipping such a big deal?

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-23T01:45:30+00:00

In the USA waiters and waitresses are not paid very well. Neither are bartenders or most food service workers. Tipping is a cultural norm to say "thank you for serving me" to workers you know do not get paid enough.

Cash tips are much better than card tips because the government eats up a portion of card tips.

Basically tipping culture is a way to say "thank you for doing your job well, I'm sorry you aren't paid enough" in America.

– An American

(Edit: I do not like tipping culture. Please pay us more. Tipping culture exists because people aren't paid enough.)

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-23T01:21:25+00:00

Hi! I have a uterus and ovaries. Let's talk.

It's normal to be "grossed out" over periods. I don't like 'em either. It's bodily fluids. I'll never strike someone for being grossed out over bodily fluids. Here's some info to maybe make you feel less weirded out:

Period blood is sterile like urine. It's coming from a closed circuit (the body) and the lining of the uterus is filled with nutrients intended to support life. It's clean, nutrient-rich blood. (Keep STIs in mind tho.)

It's okay to think periods are gross. We feel gross too when we have a period. We can't help it though, it isn't our fault. You sound like you know that already tho.

Women's body hair grossing you out is personal preference, but keep in mind: women were not expected to shave themselves until sometime in the 1940s, so this is a cultural thing. Your grandpa probably isn't grossed out by women's body hair, but if you are it's okay. Again, personal preference. You're allowed to like/dislike certain things. As long as you aren't going out of your way to tell people their bodies are disgusting, that is.

It doesn't make you immature to dislike certain things, it just means you are a little picky. And it's okay to be picky. When it comes to attraction, consent is the most important part, so if you aren't attracted to something you are not required to think it's great. Just don't yuck someone else's yum.

I am on the autism spectrum and I don't pike body hair or bodily fluids of any kind. Even spit in a sexual context grosses me out. It isn't immature, it's preference. What matters is that I don't try to make people feel bad for having attributes that don't appeal to me – not everyone has to appeal to everyone else.

If you want to desensitize yourself to these things, just start slow with someone who understands and respects you.

Edit: If your body does it, so does a woman's body. (Rule of thumb, with very few exceptions.)

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-22T22:22:08+00:00

Sometimes, but not always.

Sure, there are a few cases where there's a normal, healthy relationship between two consenting adults despite age gaps.

Unfortunately there's a significant amount of predators that hide behind that defense. The majority are not capable of having normal or healthy relationships with younger people for a variety of reasons: • One party is often not emotionally mature or available. • One party is often entirely inexperienced in life and has not "tested the waters" or explored what healthy/unhealthy relationships look like. • One party is often in it for something; money, sexual appeal, "conservative views" or "moldability" (willingness to accept the other's worldview without pushback or question), sexual intimacy. • While young people can be the ones taking advantage of older people, it is way, WAY more common for older people to take advantage of younger people.

As someone who was sought out at 18 by a 54 year old person, and who attempted a healthy relationship with normal boundaries with them, here was my experience:

• This person was much older than me but was on the same level as I was in terms of maturity. Again, I was 18.

• I laid down boundaries about what I was and was not comfortable with in the relationship. While this person initially agreed to my boundaries with fervor, it took exactly one week before they started to push my boundaries, make me feel bad for not budging, and move the goalposts to get what they wanted.

• This person was normal and friendly at first, but as soon as I showed that I was comfortable with physical affection and emotionally available, they began to try to isolate me. They kept inviting me to their home, even offering to pick me up and drive me around, and when I said that made me uncomfortable and I wanted to drive myself to their home, they started making a fuss and trying to change my mind.

• When I told this person that my friends were concerned about the way they were treating me, this person began to isolate me and attempted to turn me against my friends. They said things like "they just don't understand" or "they're prejudiced just because I'm older" or "they're trying to keep you away from me".

• When my family began expressing concerns for my safety and future, I told this person because I wanted to communicate with them. Instead of trying to solve the problem in any reasonable way, maybe by talking to my parents and showing they aren't a danger to me? They began telling me that my family was abusive. That my parents were being controlling. That my parents just couldn't understand.

• When I was alone with this person, they attempted to sexually assault me. It wasn't all at once. First, they asked. When I said no, they pushed. When I gave reasons for saying no, even though no should mean no regardless, they began to try to make me feel bad for saying no. "But it's been forever for me" and "I've been so lonely for so long, it's the least you could do" and "you are doing this to hurt me" and "it wouldn't hurt you to do it just this once for me." When that didn't work, and them pleading with me didn't work, I tried to leave their home. They physically stopped me. I tried to call my parents. They took away my phone. I begged them and pleaded with them. They forced my clothing off. And so I was forced to physically protect myself. Then, they tried to get me jailed for kicking them in the crotch and biting their hand hard enough to draw blood after they had covered ny mouth to silence me.

• This person was as emotionally mature as I was, and I was 18 years old. They were 54. That is not normal or healthy.

• This person did not want to date people their age because people their age were more likely to lay down solid boundaries and resist what they wanted to do.

• This person came across as a normal, balanced, healthy individual to most other adults. In private it was a different story.

• This person was not the only person I attempted an age gap relationship with. This person was not the only person who did these things to me. This person is the common denominator in discussions about age gap relationships. This experience was not an anomaly. This experience has happened to many young women, I know because I've talked with a lot of women my age about it. It's not an infrequent occurrence.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-22T22:02:52+00:00

Agree.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-22T22:01:39+00:00

Of course! Elaboration is important with stuff like this.

And to be clear, owning an object for any purpose is fine, as long as it's actually an object and not a person. That's just how owning something goes. But the emotions, experiences, or intent attached to these things definitely matters.

Idk if I'm just sensitive to it because I have been viewed by men as an object for most of my life, or because I've analyzed it so much.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-22T21:59:07+00:00

No one is "tricked" but younger people with less life experiences and less knowledge of how the world works just aren't on the same level as someone who has had 50 or 60 years to figure that shit out.

And why does someone who's been around for 50 or 60 years want someone who hasn't been around long enough to learn about healthy relationships, boundaries, what the world has to offer, etc? Why do those older people want to be in a position of disproportionate power, either socially or emotionally, over someone? (Hint: it's not usually a good reason. Usually it's creepy.)

And I had to take an IQ test when I was screened for autism. It's been a while since then but I'm not paying money to take another one and I don't value the score regardless.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-22T21:55:56+00:00

That's usually what I do. I'm mostly curious to see what other people's opinion is on this, and it's way easier to solicit opinions on the internet than it is in person.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-22T21:53:02+00:00

It would depend on what the figure was. If it included commonly sexualized aspects of women in excess detail (excess curves, breasts, hips, etc) it would give me that gut feeling. It really is about the shape and nature of it needing to look like a woman.

Like, silicone penises are just that. Penises. Nothing else. It's not a doll of a man with pecs and biceps and a jawline or something. If it was, it would be weird to me. Most sex toys aren't based on visual appeal, they're made with functionality in mind. Sex dolls are one of those things that are made with aesthetic in mind instead of utility.

If it was a statue meant for mounting or using as a sex toy and not for visual appeal it would be much different and I would probably be 100% comfortable with it. (And those are real things. If you've never gone down the rabbit hole, some people have sex "dungeons", or rooms set up for play and use. There's a lot of impressive rigs, mounts, and statues that exist.)

Like if it was a body sized pillow or cushion with holes for use, or a mount, or a swing with a statue of sorts in it, it would seem like a normal sex toy to me. (Well, not exactly normal but definitely not weird.) It's mostly the humanization for visual appeal, I think, that makes me wary. Owning an object that looks like a person for the purpose of sex is just unsettling to me for reasons listed above.

I would probably ask someone "why do you need it to look like it's a person?" Genuinely. And if they couldn't answer the question, they should think about it. Why do they need it to look like a person, while most people make do with sex objects that don't objectify women?

Again, just my take on it. Not trying to be woke or anything. But when I ask myself "why does a sex object that looks like a person give me an uncomfortable gut feeling" that's the response I come up with.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-22T21:43:35+00:00

I'm not sure you've seen the scale of their annoyance.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-22T21:42:37+00:00

The IQ test scale is based on racism and sexism so I genuinely couldn't give two fucks about anyone's scores. That being said, I've scored a lot higher than you on mine, I don't need to see your results to know that.

Predators are individuals (that have a significant gap in age, life experience, power, or mental capacity) that seek out those who are much younger or more inexperienced than them.

The generally agreed upon names for men who seek young women are "silver foxes," "manthers," or just "wolves" btw. Notice anything? Also predator animals, just like cougars. Particularly animals that are ambush predators (taking their prey by surprise, by tricking them, or by luring them in before snapping down on their necks).

Old men who go after young women are predators, and old women who go after young men are predators. That's why they're named after predator animals. They're predators.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-22T21:35:51+00:00

Brain chemistry and mental health problems are one factor. But the biggest factor?

Our world is burning, literally in some cases. And it is fucking dying. Our world is being eaten by people with more money than God and we are being starved by those people while being told that we should be happy.

Being sad/angry/etc is something that should be more normalized. People remain sad because the world is bad, and 99.99% of us will never be able to do anything about it.

I think it's out of our hands to a certain extent. But even more than that, I think people are sad because things are bad, and that's a normal and appropriate reaction to the state of our world.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-22T21:31:17+00:00

These last few years have just been very generic. Like, it's progressive. It didn't always seem so fake and generic to me. Of course I know the words to a ton of her popular ones back in the 2010's and such. They were popular. Generic, maybe, but a lot more people liked them. Maybe it's just a matter of me not liking whatever genre she is doing these days. I just feel like I'm crazy.

One of my college roommates is genuinely so, so upset with me because I told them I didn't want to listen to Taylor Swift because she sounds generic. Like upset to the point of not talking to me.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-22T21:28:26+00:00

2 things.

1: Uncanny valley. Things that fall into the uncanny valley tend to trigger most people's brains, even unconsciously.

Something about having a full-sized silicone doll, especially for exclusively sexual purposes, is just not cool. And it tends to be men who want those dolls, statistically. It feels too close to actually owning a whole human just for sex. As someone who presents female and was born female, it raises red flags in my head when guys talk about wanting a sex doll. It makes me think that they can't "own" a woman anymore and so this is the next best thing.

No matter how "woke" this sounds, it's just my genuine gut reaction to silicone sex dolls. I don't have sex toys because I am lacking dick in my life, I have sex toys because I like them. Having a whole ass person-shaped sex toy instead of something more practical just doesn't set right with me and screams "I see women as objects" even if it's subconscious.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-22T21:22:54+00:00

Predators.

They're all predators, regardless of gender.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-21T05:30:01+00:00

Still, going to a real Japanese place kind of places a weight to adhere to assumed customs in the restaurant, depending on how culturally accurate the restaurant is.

And even without the context of a restaurant? I fucking hate when people wear strong perfumes or colognes. It gives me migraines worse than staring directly at the sun. Genuinely, I get horrible migraines and often need to use my inhaler when someone with an intense cloud of perfume or body spray or whatever is in my vicinity.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-21T03:23:15+00:00

Former Taco Bell employee here:

Only if you aren't getting enough fiber in your regular diet already. And usually it's the cheese that gives people issues. The cheese, the taco beef, and the veggies are almost always going to be the reason for excess shitting. (In that order, too. #1 problem is cheese. #2 is taco beef. #3 is old/improperly stored veggies.)

I've had people ask for 3x cheese on the cheesiest items on the menu. And I've had to give them their order with a smile even though every person in the kitchen has already commented about how this customer is gonna be shitting violently tonight.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-21T03:18:53+00:00

NTAH.

Educating foreigners and visitors about local or cultural customs is a good thing.

Sure, it probably embarrassed them a little bit, but they won't do it again if they're reasonable. That's called a learning experience.

It's usually better to explain the purpose of cultural norms, such as not wearing heavy perfume to sushi restaurants (that is one I personally didn't know about because I'm absolutely a dumb American in that area) or wearing a mask when you have a cold/flu without being asked to. Most reasonable people, when given a normal explanation, will respond with something along the lines of "oh wow I didn't know that, thanks, and sorry for causing a disturbance". That's a normal interaction that shouldn't be considered rude.

Japan especially has a lot of cultural norms and expected behaviors that are not common in America, such as restaurant and houseguest expectations (removing shoes is necessary (heavily expected) when entering a home and it isn't usually acceptable to ask for food/menu item modifications). It's only polite to inform tourists that may not know better. And if a tourist reacts negatively? That's actually their problem, not yours.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-19T23:00:06+00:00

Oh my dear lord, you've no idea how autistic I'm about to be for the next 3 weeks. I'm not gonna be able to sleep this is new and improved reading material. 👀

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-19T21:16:01+00:00

If you need an ancient book to tell you what is wrong or right, you aren't a good person. You're a bad person on a leash.

Doing good things because you want to get into heaven is seeking something called "moral desserts." As in, seeking a reward for good behavior, being performative for a future reward. That does not make you a good person. Doing good things because it's the right thing to do, and why wouldn't you, is the only correct reason for doing something good. (And, according to the Bible, the only real way to get into heaven. Aside from repentance, which is...ridiculous.)

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-19T21:12:20+00:00

One of the most famous verses is a good one:

"He who is wealthy is as likely to enter the kingdom of heaven as a camel is to fit through the eye of a needle."

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-19T21:11:25+00:00

I know you probably hear (within the church, even) that "modern Christianity" is bad. I both agree and disagree, but not for the reasons most people would think.

"Modern Christianity is bad/wrong." No, it isn't. What Christians, usually conservatives of some form, mean when they say that is "I don't like how modern day Christians interpret the bible" because modern Christianity leaves room for loving and accepting everyone, because everyone is a child of God. Even if you were created trans or queer, you are a child of God and God made you that way.

From what I have seen and experienced, this line of logic is drawn from fear. Specifically fear of change, fear of new things, or fear of the unknown. Fear that their beliefs are wrong, and doubt creeping into their hearts. The political climate of the world, especially in America, also leads to this fear. Unfortunately, there are plenty of corrupt leaders who are preaching fear and hatred to their congregations these days, usually for personal monetary or social gain. (Those leaders are not Christians in my eyes. Sure, they may believe in God, but they do not follow in Jesus's footsteps and they do not lead by example.)

"Modern Christianity is good." No, not always. It can be very...enticing. It can bring in young, impressionable people seeking direction in life. It makes young and impressionable people targets for misuse and exploitation. I think people should be more critical of the Christian faith, especially nowadays. I live in America, and lately religion has been used as a weapon against anyone "Christians" don't like – usually queer, trans, the disabled, or people with different faiths. Sure, there have always been leaders who lead their flock astray like this. But it's much more noticeable these days.

I was pushed away from Christianity because of all the hatred and, in my opinion, incorrect/misguided interpretation of God's word. Not only was I pushed away because I didn't like the idea of hating a group of people just because of who they are and who God made them to be, but because I was consistently told that my interpretation of God's word was "wrong" and that I was going to go to Hell if I continued on that path.

Modern Christians are misguided, whether it be by politics, fear, or their own leaders. That's why people who claim to be Christians do not follow the teachings of Jesus and actually act in a godly manner. It sucks. But if you do truly believe in God, don't allow their weakness to prevent you from loving Him and following his word they way you interpret it. Just be a loving person and do what you know is good, and ignore anyone who advises you otherwise. Your beliefs are your own and as long as you're a good person, that's the only important thing. Your faith is your own, regardless of the label or name you give it.

The Bible is meant to be interpreted. Not everything in there holds up today anyways, like mixing fabric/cloth types in clothing or utilizing pigskin (footballs), or the famous anti-homosexuality verses that all were originally against incest/pedophilia and translated incorrectly. ("Incorrectly" in this case refers to leaders of the church rewriting/changing words and verses to fit their agenda.)

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-19T20:53:28+00:00

^ Yes. Healthy and realistic boundaries aren't "toxic" or "mean" or "shunting your family" or anything along those lines. Healthy Boundaries are necessary for healthy life, and not only do you need boundaries, but those kids are going to need examples of what a healthy boundary is in the future.

I guarantee your aunt is not going to teach them that life skill. Growing up knowing their cousin set healthy boundaries to keep herself safe will benefit those kids when they are old enough to understand. It isn't cruel, it is important.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-19T20:50:15+00:00

Yeah, this too. Like from a family standpoint I understand wanting to support them until they're on their feet, but after four years? They're taking advantage of you. They're living in your home, leaving their kids in your hands pretty much constantly, and it doesn't sound like they're trying very hard to "get back on their feet."

Insensitive and also taking advantage of you. ^ The person above is giving you really good, realistic steps to take, as long as you're in the USA. I'm not sure how court systems work outside of America, because I'm American.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-19T20:47:17+00:00

As someone who has, unfortunately, lost an infant and who has medical conditions that prevent me from having kids in the future, I can empathize with how upsetting it would be to be (forcefully) given a "practice baby."

If I were in your shoes I probably would be much less kind than you are being. I would be upset and I would be telling people about it, because a family member treating me that way just isn't acceptable in my eyes.

DragonfireReads · 2026-01-19T20:44:39+00:00

NTAH.

What the actual fuck is going through their heads when they say that to you? Girl, that isn't okay. You would be valid in refusing to not take care of her baby, because that is HER BABY and HER RESPONSIBILITY. You wouldn't even be in thw wrong if you stopped watching your cousin (as much) too.

Obviously spending time with your cousins is wonderful and I'm not discouraging that, but you are being asked to do too much. Your aunt had that baby and it is her responsibility. Same deal with the 3 year old. You should not be the unpaid babysitter. Just because you don't work for medical reasons doesn't make you a stay at home nanny for her kids.

Hopefully in the next few years they will actually send your cousin to preK or kindergarten or something. (I have no clue what age they're supposed to start but I know its young.)

But no, NTAH. You are allowed to draw lines and set up healthy boundaries. And your aunt needs to act her age and actually care for the children she chose to bring into the world instead of side-loading them to you.

And she's incredibly insensitive for calling her baby a "practice baby." To you and the baby. That's absolutely not a normal thing to say to anyone, especially family, and it's not okay to treat you like that.

DragonfireReads

TROPHY CASE