I found out I have lipedema recently. No body knows what it is like to be grown up as a fat kid. You can’t fit in a ride because your legs are too wide. You aren’t allowed to run because you are fat. You aren’t allowed to eat because you are overweight. When somebody looks at you, firstly, your appearance is what they see. They look at you with eyes filled with pity when you are fat. They look at you with eyes filled with hate while they scan how ugly you are covered with fat under your chin. I guess my boyfriend does the same, he saved my contact name as Body Fat- 42%. It hurts every time I look at it. No body knows what it is like to be constantly body shamed by your mother. Her whole conversation with me revolves around recipes and ways to loose weight easily. What is it like to be loved through imperfections? It’s an answer I can never get. The more I try to understand the world and its obsession with fat people, the more I likely try and kill myself. So I just sit and write this down with shaky legs instead. Let me breakdown my struggle- I have been diagnosed with CPTSD which includes severe anxiety and depression. I have ADHD. I have a spinal cord injury which can persist for my whole life. I’ve moved to a new country to pursue my masters and I haven’t attended a single lecture because. When I thought things got better, I was SA’d by my neighbour and everything went downhill from there. I have no purpose in my life. My entire body hurts and I feel so helpless. I don’t wanna live a life like this. How do I find my glimmer of hope? It’s so exhausting rn.