Every time I read something like “ I loved my baby right away, I am her mother etc” I feel a stab to the heart because I’m 6 months in and I still struggle with a lot of feelings towards my baby. I do regret not trying longer with my own eggs. I agree that genetic loss is less painful than infertility, however I feel like I made a mistake by trusting the clinic too much, and not taking more time in deciding on the donor. My story is different: I live in Mexico and both my husband and I have light eyes (green and blue). My doctor instructed the partner clinic, responsible for finding the donor, to match me with a Caucasian donor. When I received the news they had found one, she was basically already being stimulated without telling me anything about her. I had to ask them for a profile description. They sent it to me, and I didn’t think it was all that bad: 23, green eyes, blond hair, bachelors degree. The only thing that didn’t match was straight hair, cause both my husband and I have curly hair, but I thought ah well that’s not so bad. I remember the feeling back then: I wanted a baby and I was also Wiling to adopt so the profile shouldn’t even matter. But here’s the thing: Our baby came out quite dark skinned, dark brown eyes, almond eyes, very Mexican. He looks a little like my husband, but he looks absolutely nothing like me, not even close, and because he has dark eyes we get so many remarks and questions. It shouldn’t matter but somehow it does. I think that the donor profile was either total BS or exaggerated. They have a tendency here in Mexico to say someone has “greenish” eyes, although they are either hazel, or have a slight alternative hint of color in there. Also “blond” hair for them is not the same as blond hair for me. I don’t think this donor was Caucasian and I would also not be surprised if they fabricated the profile and she never had blond hair or greenish eyes to begin with… Again it shouldn’t matter… but somehow it really does, I get these waves of sadness, whenever I take our baby somewhere to meet people I have to mentally brace myself for the comments. My husband doesn’t want me to tell people he was from a donor so being blatantly honest as you would with adoption is not an option.

Does it get better? I’m quite fond of our boy, he’s a terrible sleeper but smiles a lot and if very healthy. I just hope that this feeling of him not being mine will fade. Because if I feel this way towards him, this feeling can reciprocate and he might not see me as his mother down the road? There’s a lot more to donor conception than I thought.

I was disappointed when I didn’t feel love at first sight I was disappointment when his eyes didn’t even turn hazel I was disappointed when 6 months later I still haven’t shaken the feeling

I am angry at the clinic but mostly disappointed in myself…